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  • [first lines]
  • Valiant: [reading] "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible fire-breathing penguin. Many brave have attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the penguin's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss." [tears a book page, laughing] Like that's ever gonna happen. [sits on a toilet] What a load of...
  • [the music begins "All-Star" by Smashmouth playing, with Valiant walking out of his room, closing the door, then the title card appears, with characters of cast, then cut to the Axem Rangers walking down, with Valiant blowing fire at the fireplace, with the Axem Rangers lighting their torches, with Valiant looking at the Axem Rangers, then the Axem Rangers walk down, with Valiant walking up to the Axem Rangers]
  • Red Axem Ranger: Think it's in there?
  • Pink Axem Ranger: All right, let's get it!
  • Green Axem Ranger: Whoa! Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?
  • Black Axem Ranger: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.
  • Valiant: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, pigeons, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
  • Yellow Axem Ranger: No!
  • Valiant: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
  • Red Axem Ranger: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  • [Valiant lights the torch, extinguishing like a match]
  • Red Axem Ranger: Right.
  • Valiant: [roars at the Axem Rangers, then they all scream, then he waits until the Axem Rangers stopped screaming, then whispering] This is the part where you run away.
  • [the Axem Rangers scarper off]
  • Valiant: [laughing] And stay out! [picks up a paper, saying, "WANTED FAIRYTALE CREATURES REWARD"] "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." [throws a paper, walking away]
  • [cut to the fairy tale creatures]
  • Guard 1: All right, this one's full. Take him away!
  • Guard 2: Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  • Tank Evans: Next!
  • Guard 3: Give me that! [breaks the broom in half] Your flying days are over.
  • Tank Evans: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
  • Guard 4: Get up!
  • Man: 20 pieces.
  • Guard 5: Come on!
  • Guard 6: Sit down there! Keep quiet!
  • Angelina: [crying in a cage] This cage is too small.
  • Quacker the Duck: [clip from Baby Neptune] Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change! Please! Give me another chance!
  • Birdo: [to Quacker the Duck] Oh, shut up.
  • Tank Evans: Next. What have we got?
  • Duck Boy: [in the rectangle sketch] This little wooden puppet.
  • Neptune the Turtle: I'm not a puppet. I'm a turtle. [paints a picture while growing his nose]
  • Tank Evans: Five shillings for the possessed turtle. Take him away.
  • Neptune the Turtle: [goes in a bubble, flying away] Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
  • Tank Evans: Next! What have we got?
  • Birdo: [clip with Mario Party 9] Well, I've got a talking duck.
  • Tank Evans: Right. Well, that's good for 10 shillings, if you can prove it.
  • Birdo: Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  • Tank Evans: Well?
  • Birdo: [clip with the Bogey score screen in Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour] Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. [clip with Mario Kart Wii] Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
  • Tank Evans: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  • Birdo: No, no! He talks! He does! [clip from the superstar in Mario Party 9] I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
  • Tank Evans: [to Birdo, annoyed] Get her out of my sight.
  • Birdo: [clip from Double Bogey score in Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour] No, no! I swear! He can talk!
  • [the cage lands on Quacker the Duck, flying up]
  • Quacker the Duck: [clip with the blue sky background, watching the green circle drop and bounce] Hey, I can fly!
  • Toad: He can fly!
  • All: He can fly!
  • Tank Evans: He can talk!
  • Quacker the Duck: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking duck. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a duck fly. [laughs, then starts to fall on the ground] Uh-oh. [falls to the ground]
  • Tank Evans: [to Quacker the Duck] Seize him!
  • [Quacker the Duck runs away from the guards]
  • Guard 7: After him! He's getting away!
  • [Quacker the Duck continues running away, hitting Valiant]
  • Guard 8: Get him! This way! Turn!
  • Tank Evans: You there! Pigeon!
  • Valiant: [to Tank Evans] Aye?
  • Tank Evans: By the order of Bowser Jr., I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.
  • Valiant: [to Tank Evans] Oh, really? You and what army?
  • [Tank Evans looks at the shield and spear laying down, running away]
  • Quacker the Duck: [to Valiant] Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!
  • Valiant: Are you talking to... me? Whoa!
  • Quacker the Duck: Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought that they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to show that.
  • Valiant: Oh, that's great. Really.
  • Quacker the Duck: Man, it's good to be free.
  • Valiant: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends, hmm?
  • Quacker the Duck: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit that anybody crosses us.
  • [Valiant roars at Quacker the Duck]
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job well done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...
  • [Valiant covers Quacker's mouth, mumbling]
  • Quacker the Duck: Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt all day.
  • Valiant: [to Quacker the Duck] Why are you following me?
  • Quacker the Duck: I'll tell you why. [singing] Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me, my problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends!
  • Valiant: [to Quacker the Duck] Stop singing! [picks Quacker up] It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
  • Quacker the Duck: Wow. Only a true would be that cruelly honest.
  • Valiant: Listen, little duck. Take a look at me. What am I?
  • Quacker the Duck: [looks at Valiant] Uh, really tall?
  • Valiant: No! I'm a pigeon. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?
  • Quacker the Duck: Nope.
  • Valiant: Really.
  • Quacker the Duck: Really, really.
  • Valiant: Oh.
  • Quacker the Duck: Man, I like you. What's your name?
  • Valiant: Um, Valiant.
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant? Well, you know what I like about you, Valiant? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Valiant. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to like in a place like that?
  • Valiant: That would be my home.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh! And it's just lovely! Just beautiful. You are a quite decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at a rock] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't etertain much, do you?
  • Valiant: I like my privacy.
  • Quacker the Duck: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence, you know. Can I stay with you?
  • Valiant: Uh, what?
  • Quacker the Duck: [to Valiant] Can I stay with you? Please?
  • Valiant: Of course!
  • Quacker the Duck: Really?
  • Valiant: No.
  • Quacker the Duck: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
  • Valiant: Okay! Okay! But one night only.
  • Quacker the Duck: [sits down, getting up] Ah! Thank you!
  • Valiant: What are you... No! No!
  • Quacker the Duck: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm making waffles.
  • [Valiant growls]
  • Quacker the Duck: Uh, where do I sleep?
  • Valiant: OUTSIDE!
  • Quacker the Duck: Uh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and me, so I guess outside is best, you know. [sniffling] Here I go. Good night. [sleeps down] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a duck. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. [continues singing] I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me.
  • [cut to the fireplace, bubbling, Valiant poking out of his ear, lighting a candle, then starting to eat, then Quacker sleeps]
  • Valiant: [to Quacker the Duck] I thought I told you to stay outside.
  • Quacker the Duck: I am outside.
  • [Valiant looks around to see Big Z, Rafael, and Reggie]
  • Big Z: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the home, but what choice do we have?
  • Rafael: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
  • Big Z: [squishes on a slug] What a lovley bed.
  • Valiant: Gotcha!
  • Reggie: I found some cheese. [eats Valiant's ear] Blah! Awful stuff.
  • Big Z: Is that you, Reggie?
  • Reggie: How did you know?
  • Valiant: Enough! [grabs Reggie] What are you doing in my house?
  • [the dwarves push Linda on the table]
  • Valiant: Hey!
  • [the dwarves snicker at Valaint]
  • Valiant: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
  • Dwarf: Where are supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
  • [Valiant looks at Glen Maverick]
  • Glen Maverick: What?
  • Valiant: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying pigeon! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? [throws Glen Maverick outside] Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No!
  • [the witches pass by Valiant, laying down on the ground, flying away]
  • Valiant: What?
  • Girl 1: Quit it.
  • Girl 2: Don't push.
  • [the Pied Piper plays a flute to the mice, then cut to the Mouseling family]
  • Valiant: What are you doing in my swamp?! [his voice echoes] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
  • [the dwarf drops a bowl, then they all gasp]
  • Fairy Godmother: Oh, dear!
  • Dwarf: Whoa!
  • Valiant: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
  • Dwarf: Quickly. Come on!
  • Valiant: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. [tries to open the door]
  • Quacker the Duck: Hey, look at me. I didn't invite them.
  • Neptune the Turtle: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
  • Valiant: What?
  • Neptune the Turtle: We were forced to come here.
  • Valiant: By who?
  • Hammer Bro.: Bowser Jr. [from Super Mario Party clip] He huffed und he puffed und he signed an eviction notice.
  • Valiant: [sighs] All right. Who knows where this Koopaling guy is?
  • [they all murmur]
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, I do. I know where he is.
  • Valiant: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
  • Quacker the Duck: Me! Me!
  • Valiant: Anyone!
  • Quacker the Duck: [clip with the green circle drop and bounce on a blue sky background] Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me! Me!
  • Valiant: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officialy worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Koopaling right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
  • [they all cheer, putting around Valiant]
  • Valiant: [to Quacker the Duck] You! You're comin' with me.
  • Quacker the Duck: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Valiant and Quacker the Duck, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big city adventure. I love it! [singing] On the road again! [spoken] Sing it with me, Valiant.
  • [Valiant shakes the torch, throwing the Dwarf away]
  • Quacker the Duck: [continues singing] I can't wait to get on the road again!
  • Valiant: What did I say about singing?
  • Quacker the Duck: Can I whistle?
  • Valiant: No.
  • Quacker the Duck: Can I hum it?
  • Valiant: All, right, hum it.
  • [Quacker the Duck hums "On the Road Again", then cut to the kitchen, with Bowser Jr. walking in, with Bowser pouring milk in, then Bowser Jr. continues walking, then guards salute their spears, then Bowser Jr. goes inside the kitchen]
  • Bowser Jr.: That's enough. He's ready to talk.
  • [Yoshi coughs from a milk]
  • Bowser Jr.: [laughing, then clears throwing, playing with Yoshi's legs] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!
  • Yoshi: You're a monster.
  • Bowser Jr.: I'm not the monster here. [throws Yoshi's leg] You are. You and the rest of the fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?
  • Yoshi: Eat me! [spits at Bowser Jr.]
  • Bowser Jr.: I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll...
  • Yoshi: No, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
  • Bowser Jr.: All right then. Who's hiding them?!
  • Yoshi: [clip from the Par score in Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour] Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
  • Bowser Jr.: The muffin man?
  • Yoshi: The muffin man.
  • Bowser Jr.: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives in Drury Lane?
  • Yoshi: Well, she's married to the muffin man.
  • Bowser Jr.: The muffin man?
  • Yoshi: THE MUFFIN MAN!
  • Bowser Jr.: She's married to the muffin man.
  • Tank Evans: My lord! We found it.
  • Bowser Jr.: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
  • [Tank Evans brings CGI Clown in, then they all gasp, with the clip of Yoshi the Superstar in Mario Party 9]
  • Bowser Jr.: Cody Maverick.
  • Yoshi: DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING! [clip from Cut from the Team minigame from Mario Party 8] No!
  • Bowser Jr.: Evening. Clown, clown, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?
  • CGI Clown: Well, techinically, you're not a king.
  • Bowser Jr.: Uh, Bowser.
  • [Bowser punches the mirror]
  • Bowser Jr.: You were saying?
  • CGI Clown: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
  • Bowser Jr.: Go on.
  • CGI Clown: [telling Bowser Jr. about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's elgible bachelorettes. And here they are!
  • [shows images of Princess Daisy]
  • CGI Clown: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Princess Daisy.
  • [changes to images of Linda]
  • CGI Clown: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live she is. Come on. Give it up for Linda!
  • [changes to Princess Peach]
  • CGI Clown: And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a firey redhead, from a penguin-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Peach! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
  • Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
  • Bowser Jr.: Three? One? [shuddering] Three?
  • Bowser: Three! Pick number three, my lord!
  • Bowser Jr.: Okay, okay, uh, number three!
  • CGI Clown: Bowser Jr., you've chosen Princess Peach.
  • [the music begins Escape by Rupert Holmes playing]
  • Bowser Jr.: Princess Peach. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...
  • CGI Clown: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
  • Bowser Jr.: I'll do it.
  • CGI Clown: Yes, but after sunset.
  • Bowser Jr.: Silence! I will make this Princess Peach my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Tank Evans, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.
  • [cut back to Valiant and Quacker the Duck, going to Duloc]
  • Quacker the Duck: But that's it. That's right here. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.
  • Valiant: So, that must be Bowser Jr.'s castle.
  • Quacker the Duck: Uh-huh. That's the place.
  • Valiant: [to Quacker the Duck] Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [laughing]
  • Quacker the Duck: Hey, wait. Wait up, Valiant.
  • Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
  • Valiant: [to Duloc Mascot] Hey, you!
  • [Duloc Mascot screams, running away]
  • Valiant: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just... I just... [sighs]
  • [Duloc Mascot continues running away, then they walk down, then Duloc Mascot hits the wall, falling to the ground, with Valiant and Quacker the Duck looking at the Duloc Mascot, then Valiant goes in the turnstile, entering Duloc, then Quacker the Duck flips around the turnstile, entering Duloc, then Valiant sighs, then they enter Duloc, looking around]
  • Valiant: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  • Quacker the Duck: Hey, look at this! [goes up the information booth, pulling a lever, then, after some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop and and they begin singing]
  • Clockwork Chorus: Welcome to Duloc, it's a perfect town! Here we have some rules, let us lay them down! Don't make waves, stay in line, and we'll get along fine! Duloc is a perfect place! Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your face! Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place!
  • [the booth takes Quacker the Duck and Valiant's photo, saying, "WELCOME TO DULOC", showing them stunned]
  • Quacker the Duck: [clip with the blue sky background, watching the green circle drop and bounce] Wow! Let's do that again!
  • Valiant: [grabs Quacker the Duck] No. No. No, no, no! No.
  • [they hear a fanfare]
  • Bowser Jr.: Brave knights. You are the best in brightest in all the land.
  • [they both go to the tournament]
  • Bowser Jr.: Today, one of you shall prove himself...
  • Valiant: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
  • Quacker the Duck: Sorry about that.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Bowser Jr.: That champion shall have the honor, no, no, the privilege, go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Peach, from the firey keep of Lani Aliikai. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Bowser Jr.: Let the tournament begin!
  • [Valiant walks backwards]
  • Bowser Jr.: What is that?
  • [Valiant gasps]
  • Bowser Jr.: It's hideous!
  • Valiant: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a duck.
  • Quacker the Duck: Huh?
  • Bowser Jr.: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the pigeon will be named champion! Have at him!
  • Knight 1: Get him!
  • Valiant: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
  • Woman: Go ahead! Get him!
  • Valiant: [takes a cup] Can't we just settle this over a pint?
  • Kinght 2: Kill the beast!
  • Valiant: No? All right, then. Come on! [breaks the barrel, spilling some on the knights, with the music of "Bad Reputation" by Halfcocked playing]
  • [Quacker the Duck rolls on the barrel, knocking some knights]
  • Knight 3: Damn!
  • [Valiant fights with the guards]
  • Quacker the Duck: [clip with the green circle drop and bounce on a blue sky background] Hey, Valiant, tag me! Tag me!
  • Valiant: [fights with a guard] Ah! [laughing, then he continues fighting the guards] Yeah! [fights with another guard]
  • Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!
  • [Valiant continues fighting, with the people cheering, then Valiant throws the guard around, then Quacker the Duck rings the bell]
  • Valiant: [laughing] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! [laughs]
  • [they all aim]
  • Guard 9: [to Bowser Jr.] Shall I give the order, sir?
  • Bowser Jr.: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!
  • Valiant: What?
  • Bowser Jr.: Congratulations, pigeon. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
  • Valiant: Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to give my swamp back.
  • Bowser Jr.: Your swamp?
  • Valiant: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
  • [they all murmur]
  • Bowser Jr.: Indeed. All right, pigeon, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
  • Valiant: [to Bowser Jr.] Exactly the way it was?
  • Bowser Jr.: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
  • Valiant: And the squatters?
  • Bowser Jr.: As good as gone.
  • Valiant: What kind of quest?
  • [cut to the field]
  • Quacker the Duck: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight Lani Aliikai, and rescue a princess just so Bowser Jr. will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that right?
  • Valiant: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason ducks shouldn't talk.
  • Quacker the Duck: I don't get it, Valiant. Why don't you just pull some of that pigeon stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole pigeon trip.
  • Valiant: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. [to Quacker the Duck] Does that sound good to you?
  • Quacker the Duck: Uh, no, not really no.
  • Valiant: For your information, there's a lot more to pigeons than people think?
  • Quacker the Duck: Example?
  • Valiant: Example? Okay, um, pigeons are like onions.
  • Quacker the Duck: [sniffs at the onions] They stink?
  • Valiant: Yes. No!
  • Quacker the Duck: Or they make you cry?
  • Valiant: No!
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, you leave them out of the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
  • Valiant: [to Quacker the Duck] No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [sighs, walking away]
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs at everything] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
  • Valiant: I don't care what everyone likes. Pigeons are not like cakes.
  • Quacker the Duck: You know what everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they say, "Hey, no, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
  • Valiant: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Pigeons are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
  • Quacker the Duck: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing in the whole damn planet.
  • Valiant: You know, I think preferred your humming.
  • Quacker the Duck: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
  • [the music begins "I'm On My Way" by The Proclaimers playing, going down the hill, by night, then a campfire, burning his foot, then they look at the Lani Aliikai's keep, then they go by the rocks, then they go to the castle]
  • Quacker the Duck: Ooh! Valiant! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
  • Valiant: Believe me, Quacker, if it was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
  • Quacker the Duck: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about the brimstone. I know what smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone, either.
  • [they all look up Lani Aliikai's keep]
  • Valiant: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [laughing]
  • Quacker the Duck: Uh, Valiant? Remember what you said pigeons have layers?
  • Valiant: Oh, aye.
  • Quacker the Duck: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Ducks don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
  • Valiant: Wait a second. Ducks don't have sleeves.
  • Quacker the Duck: You know what I mean.
  • Valiant: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
  • Quacker the Duck: No, I'm just unfcomfortable on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
  • Valiant: Come on, Quacker. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.
  • Quacker the Duck: Really?
  • Valiant: Really, really.
  • Quacker the Duck: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
  • Valiant: Just keep moving. And don't look down.
  • Quacker the Duck: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. [breaks a bridge wood] Valiant! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now, please!
  • Valiant: But you're already halfway.
  • Quacker the Duck: Yeah, but I know that half is safe!
  • Valiant: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. [shakes the bridge]
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant, no! Wait!
  • Valiant: Just, Quacker... Come on. Let's have a dance then, shall we?
  • Quacker the Duck: Don't do that!
  • Valiant: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?
  • Quacker the Duck: Yes, that!
  • Valiant: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
  • Quacker the Duck: [screaming] No, Valiant! No! Stop it!
  • Valiant: You said do it! I'm doin' it.
  • Quacker the Duck: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Valiant, I'm gonna die. Oh!
  • Valiant: [to Quacker the Duck] That'll do, Quacker. That'll do.
  • Quacker the Duck: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
  • Valiant: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
  • [they both go inside]
  • Quacker the Duck: I was talkin' about Lani, Valiant.
  • [cut to Lani Aliikai's keep]
  • Quacker the Duck: You afraid?
  • Valiant: No, but, shh.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, good. Me neither. [gasping, walking with Valiant] 'Cause there's nothing wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With Lani Aliikai that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. [puts his helmet on his head]
  • Valiant: Quacker, two things, okay? Shut up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs?
  • Quacker the Duck: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.
  • Valiant: I read it in a book once.
  • Quacker the Duck: Cool. You handle Lani Aliikai. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. [goes inside] I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish a had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.
  • Valiant: [looks at a castle] Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...
  • Quacker the Duck: LANI ALIIKAI! [runs away by Lani Aliikai, blowing fire]
  • Valiant: [looks at Quacker the Duck running away by Lani Aliikai, blowing fire] Quacker, look out! [dodges by fire]
  • [Quacker the Duck ducks down, blowing fire at the tail]
  • Valiant: [grabs his tail] Gotcha!
  • [Quacker the Duck runs away, then the tail shakes Valiant around, flying in the castle, landing by Princess Peach, then Lani Aliikai blows fire, breaking the ledges]
  • Quacker the Duck: No. Oh, no! No! [screaming, looking at Lani Aliikai] Oh, what large teeth you have.
  • [Lani Aliikai growls]
  • Quacker the Duck: I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dazzling smile you got there. And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're... You're a girl penguin! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl penguin. 'Cause you're just reeking a feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?
  • [Lani Aliikai blows a heart-shaped smoke on Quacker the Duck]
  • Quacker the Duck: Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but, you know, I'm, uh... [coughs at the smoke] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Valiant!
  • [Lani Aliikai picks up Quacker the Duck]
  • Quacker the Duck: No! Valiant! Valiant! Valiant!
  • [cut to Cuphead, getting up, walking down to Princess Peach, shaking her]
  • Cuphead: Wake up!
  • Princess Peach: What?
  • Cuphead: Are you Princess Peach?
  • Princess Peach: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
  • Cuphead: Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
  • Princess Peach: But wait, Sir Cuphead. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful romantic moment?
  • Cuphead: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
  • [they both go to the door]
  • Princess Peach: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
  • Cuphead: [to Princess Peach] You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
  • Princess Peach: Mm-hmm.
  • [they both go downstairs]
  • Princess Peach: But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
  • Cuphead: I don't think so.
  • Princess Peach: Can I at least know the name of my champion?
  • Cuphead: Um, Cuphead.
  • Princess Peach: Sir Cuphead. [clears throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
  • Cuphead: [takes a handkerchief] Thanks!
  • [they both hear Lani Aliikai roar]
  • Princess Peach: You didn't slay Lani Aliikai?
  • Cuphead: It's on my to-do list. Now come on! [grabs Princess Peach]
  • Princess Peach: But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.
  • [they both pass by a skeleton]
  • Cuphead: Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
  • Princess Peach: That's not the point. Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.
  • Cuphead: Well, I have to save my ass.
  • Princess Peach: What kind of cup are you?
  • Cuphead: One of a kind. [goes inside]
  • Quacker the Duck: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned, you know. [laughing] I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this... Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude... Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
  • [Lani Aliikai blows fire]
  • Quacker the Duck: Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. 'Cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and... I'd really love to stay, but... Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to... Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh!
  • [Lani Aliikai kisses Lani Aliikai, trapping her, then they run upstairs, blowing fire at them, then he grabs Princess Peach]
  • Quacker the Duck: Hi, Princess!
  • Princess Peach: It talks!
  • Cuphead: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
  • Quacker the Duck: Cuphead!
  • [they all slide down, with Cuphead bumping on the pole, then they continue running away by Lani Aliikai, then they look at Lani Aliikai, jumping over the chain]
  • Cuphead: Okay, you two, head for the exit! [grabs a sword] I'll take care of Lani Aliikai. [puts a sword in the chain] Run!
  • [they all continue running away, putting fire on the bridge, then they fall down, then Cuphead saves Quacker, looking at Lani Aliikai, breaking the sword, then Princess Peach screams, then Lani Aliikai stops flying, then they all look at Lani Aliikai, then they climp up]
  • Princess Peach: [clip from the superstar in Mario Party 9] You did it! You rescued me! You're... You're wonderful. You're a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.
  • [Quacker the Duck clears his throat]
  • Princess Peach: And where would be a brave cup without his noble steed?
  • Quacker the Duck: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.
  • Princess Peach: [laughing] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Cuphead.
  • Cuphead: Uh, no.
  • Princess Peach: Why not?
  • Cuphead: I have helmet hair.
  • Princess Peach: Please, I would'st look upon the face upon my rescuer.
  • Cuphead: No, no, you wouldn't, 'st.
  • Princess Peach: But how will you kiss me?
  • Cuphead: What? That job wasn't in the job description.
  • Quacker the Duck: Maybe it's a perk.
  • Princess Peach: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by Lani, is rescued by a brave cup, and then they share true love's first kiss.
  • Quacker the Duck: Hmm? With Valiant? You think Valiant is your true love?
  • Princess Peach: Well, yes.
  • [they both laugh]
  • Quacker the Duck: [clip with the green circle dropping in and bounce in a blue sky background] You think Valiant is your true love!
  • Princess Fiona: What is so funny?
  • Cuphead: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?
  • Princess Peach: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now... Now remove your helmet.
  • Cuphead: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.
  • Princess Peach: [to Cuphead] Just take off the helmet.
  • Cuphead: I'm not going to.
  • Princess Peach: Take it off.
  • Cuphead: No!
  • Princess Peach: NOW!
  • Cuphead: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness. [takes his disguise off, revealing Valiant]
  • Princess Peach: You... You're a... a pigeon.
  • Valiant: Oh, you were expecting Von Talon.
  • Princess Peach: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be a pigeon.
  • Valiant: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Bowser Jr., okay? He's the one who wants to marry you.
  • Princess Peach: Well, then why didn't he come to rescue me?
  • Valiant: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
  • Princess Peach: But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some pigeon and his... his pet.
  • Quacker the Duck: So much for noble steed.
  • Valiant: Look, Princess. You're not making my job any easier.
  • Princess Peach: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Bowser Jr. that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right there.
  • Valiant: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.
  • Princess Peach: You wouldn't dare.
  • [Valiant grabs Princess Peach]
  • Princess Peach: Put me down!
  • Valiant: Ya comin', Quacker?
  • Quacker the Duck: I'm right behind ya.
  • Princess Peach: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [screaming]
  • [cut to the forest]
  • Quacker the Duck: Okay. So here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?
  • Princess Peach: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you rind your... Hey! [sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!
  • Princess Peach: And what of my groom-to-be? Bowser Jr.? What's he like?
  • Valiant: Well, let me put this way, Princess. Men of Bowser Jr.'s statue are in short supply. [laughing]
  • Quacker the Duck: I don't know, Valiant. There are those who think little of him.
  • [they both laugh]
  • Princess Peach: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Bowser Jr.
  • Valiant: Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
  • Princess Peach: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
  • Valiant: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
  • Princess Peach: But there's robbers in the woods.
  • Quacker the Duck: Whoa! Time out, Valiant! Camping's starting to sound good.
  • Valiant: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest.
  • Princess Peach: I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!
  • Valiant: [pushes a rock] Hey! Over here.
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.
  • Princess Peach: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
  • Valiant: Homey touches? Like what?
  • Princess Peach: [grabs a wood] A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
  • Quacker the Duck: You want me to read a bedtime story? I will.
  • Princess Peach: [offscreen] I said good night!
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant, what are you doing?
  • Valiant: I just... You know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding.
  • [cut to night]
  • Valiant: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only pigeon to ever spit over three wheat fields.
  • Quacker the Duck: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
  • Valiant: The stars don't tell the future, Quacker. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatuent. You can guess what he's famous for.
  • Quacker the Duck: I know you're making this up.
  • Valiant: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
  • Quacker the Duck: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
  • Valiant: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
  • Quacker the Duck: [sighs] Hey, Valiant, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
  • Valiant: Our swamp?
  • Quacker the Duck: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.
  • Valiant: We? Quacker, there is no "we." There is no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
  • Quacker the Duck: You cut me deep, Valiant. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
  • Valiant: No, do ya think?
  • Quacker the Duck: Are you hidin' something?
  • Valiant: Never mind, Quacker.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
  • Valiant: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.
  • Quacker the Duck: Why don't you want to talk about it?
  • Valiant: Why do you want to talk about it?
  • Quacker the Duck: Why are you blocking?
  • Valiant: I'm not blocking.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, yes, you are.
  • Valiant: Quacker, I'm warning you.
  • Quacker the Duck: Who you trying to keep out? Just tell me about, Valiant.
  • Valiant: Everyone! Okay?
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
  • Valiant: Oh, for the love of Pete!
  • Quacker the Duck: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?
  • Valiant: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly pigeon!" [sighs] They judge before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
  • [Victoria looks at Shrek and Quacker the Duck]
  • Quacker the Duck: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly pigeon.
  • Valiant: Yeah, I know.
  • Quacker the Duck: So, uh, are there any ducks up there?
  • Valiant: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
  • Quacker the Duck: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right here. That one there?
  • Valiant: That's the moon.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, okay.
  • [camera pans into the house]
  • Bowser Jr.: [to Cody Maverick] Again. Show me again. [rewinds the remote] Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.
  • [Cody Maverick reveals Princess Peach]
  • Bowser Jr.: Ah. Perfect.
  • [cut to Princess Peach, looking at Valiant and Quacker the Duck sleeping, then singing with a bird, vocalizing to the bird, then vocalizing louder, then the bird explodes, looking at the feet with smoke, then cut to the nest, transitioning into egg yolks]
  • Valiant: Mmm, yeah, you know, I like it like that.
  • Quacker the Duck: Come on, baby. I said I like it.
  • Valiant: Quacker, wake up.
  • Quacker the Duck: Huh? What?
  • Valiant: Wake up.
  • Quacker the Duck: What? [gets up]
  • Princess Peach: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?
  • Quacker the Duck: Good morning, Princess!
  • Valiant: What's this all about?
  • Princess Peach: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.
  • Valiant: Uh, thanks.
  • [Quacker the Duck sniffs]
  • Princess Peach: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.
  • [Valiant belches, then they go to the forest]
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant!
  • Valiant: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [laughing]
  • Quacker the Duck: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
  • [Valiant belches]
  • Princess Peach: Thanks.
  • Quacker the Duck: She's as nasty as you are.
  • Valiant: [laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.
  • Princess Peach: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [vocalizing]
  • Neighton the Horse: La librete! [grabs Princess Peach] Hey!
  • Valiant: Princess!
  • [Quacker the Duck laughs]
  • Princess Peach: What are you doing?
  • Neighton the Horse: Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green... [kisses on Princess Peach] ...beast.
  • Valiant: Hey! That's my princess! Go find your own!
  • Neighton the Horse: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
  • Princess Peach: Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
  • Neighton the Horse: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Koopalings! [laughs]
  • Koopalings: Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo!
  • Neighton the Horse: I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
  • Larry: He takes a wee percentage.
  • Neighton the Horse: But I'm not pretty. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good!
  • Koopalings: What a guy, Neighton!
  • Neighton the Horse: Break it down.
  • [they all dance]
  • Neighton the Horse: I like an honest flight and a saucy little maid.
  • Koopalings: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
  • Neighton the Horse: Paid.
  • Koopalings: So.
  • Neighton the Horse: When a pigeon in a bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad.
  • Koopalings: That's bad.
  • Neighton the Horse: When a beauty's wth a beast it makes me awfully mad.
  • Koopalings: He's mad. He's really, really mad.
  • Neighton the Horse: I'll take my blade and ram it through the heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'cause I'm about to start!
  • [Princess Peach kicks Neighton the Horse, then the Koopalings gasp]
  • Princess Peach: Man, that was annoying!
  • Lemmy: Oh, you litte... [shoots an arrow, flying to the tree]
  • Princess Peach: [hits Larry Koopa, spinning around, htting Roy Koopa, jumping up, kicking Wendy Koopa and Iggy Koopa, walking around the tree, hitting the accordion, then kicking Ludwig Von Koopa, then the Koopalings groan] Um, shall we?
  • Valiant: Hold the phone. [drops Quacker the Duck] Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
  • Princess Peach: What?
  • Valiant: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
  • Princess Peach: Well... [chuckles] When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a... [points to Valiant's butt] There's an arrow in your butt!
  • Valiant: What? Oh, would you look at that?
  • Princess Peach: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.
  • Quacker the Duck: [to Princess Peach] Why? What's wrong?
  • Princess Peach: Valiant's hurt.
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant's hurt. Valiant's hurt? Oh, no. Valiant's gonna die.
  • Valiant: Quacker, I'm okay.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?
  • Princess Peach: Quacker! Calm down. If you want to help Valiant, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
  • Quacker the Duck: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die, Valiant. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
  • Both: Quacker!
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
  • Valiant: What are the flowers for?
  • Princess Peach: For getting rid of Quacker.
  • Valiant: Ah.
  • Princess Peach: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
  • Valiant: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
  • Princess Peach: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
  • Valiant: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the opposite of help.
  • Princess Peach: Don't move. [tries to get the arrow out of his butt]
  • Valiant: Look, time out.
  • Princess Peach: Would you... [contiues trying to get the arrow out] Okay. What do you propose to do?
  • Quacker the Duck: [continues looking around] Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns!
  • Valiant: Ow!
  • Quacker the Duck: Hold on, Valiant! I'm comin'!
  • Valiant: Ow! Not good.
  • Princess Peach: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.
  • [Valiant grunts]
  • Princess Peach: It's just about...
  • Valiant: Ow! Ohh!
  • [Quacker the Duck clears throat]
  • Valiant: Nothing happened. We were just, uh...
  • Quacker the Duck: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.
  • Valiant: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just...
  • [Princess Peach takes an arrow out of his but]
  • Valiant: Ugh!
  • [Princess Peach holds shakes his arrow]
  • Valiant: Ow!
  • Quacker the Duck: Hey, what's that? [nervous chuckle] That's... Is that blood? [lays down]
  • [the music begins "My Beloved Monster" by Eels playing, then Valiant picks up Quacker, then Princess Peach walks on a tree, then catapulting Quacker, falling down, then they walk down to a tree, grabbing the web, putting the flies around, making it into cotton candy, then Valiant grabs the frog, blowing a balloon, then Princess Peach grabs a snake, blowing up a balloon, then they walk down with balloons, with Quacker walking up, then the baloons fly away, then they arrive at Duloc]
  • Valiant: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
  • Princess Peach: That's Duloc?
  • Quacker the Duck: Yeah, I know. You know, Valiant thinks Bowser Jr.'s compensationg for something, which I think means he has a really... [lays down] Ow!
  • Valiant: Um, I, uh, I guess we better move one.
  • Princess Peach: Sure. But, Valiant? I'm worried about Quacker.
  • [Quacker gets up, blubbering]
  • Valiant: What?
  • Princess Peach: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.
  • Quacker the Duck: What are you talking about? I'm fine.
  • Princess Peach: That's what they always say, and the next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.
  • Quacker the Duck: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [turns his head] Ow! See?
  • Princess Peach: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
  • Valiant: I'll get the firewood.
  • Quacker the Duck: Hey, where are you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.
  • [cut Valiant and Princess Peach, making weedrats]
  • Princess Peach: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
  • Valiant: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.
  • Princess Peach: No kidding.
  • Valiant: Well, this is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [chuckling]
  • Quacker the Duck: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
  • Valiant: [swallows a weedrat] Maybe you can visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare, you name it.
  • Princess Peach: [chuckles] I'd like that.
  • Valiant: [swallows a weedrat, then laughing] Um, Princess?
  • Princess Peach: Yes, Valiant?
  • Valiant: I, um, I was wondering. Are you...
  • Quacker the Duck: You belong to me.
  • Valiant: [sighs] Are you gonna eat that?
  • [Princess Peach chuckles]
  • Quacker the Duck: Man, isn't that romantic? Just look at that sunset.
  • Princess Peach: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. It's very late.
  • Valiant: What?
  • Quacker the Duck: Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
  • Princess Peach: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.
  • Quacker the Duck: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
  • [Valiant sighs]
  • Princess Peach: Good night.
  • Valiant: Good night.
  • [Princess Peach goes inside the house]
  • Quacker the Duck: Ohh! Now I really see what's going on here.
  • Valiant: Oh, what are you talkin' about?
  • Quacker the Duck: I don't want to even hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.
  • Valiant: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Bowser Jr.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, come on, Valiant. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
  • Valiant: I... There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know, and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't... she's a princess, and I'm...
  • Quacker the Duck: A pigeon?
  • Valiant: Yeah. A pigeon.
  • Quacker the Duck: [to Valiant] Hey, where are you goin'?
  • Valiant: To get more firewood. [sighs, then sitting down]
  • Quacker the Duck: [looks around] Victoria? Victoria? Victoria, where are you? [looks at the bats]
  • [Victoria climbs up]
  • Quacker the Duck: Victoria? [continues looking around] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
  • [Victoria falls down, then Quacker the Duck screams]
  • Victoria: Oh, no!
  • Quacker the Duck: No, help!
  • Victoria: Shh!
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant! Valiant! Valiant!
  • Victoria: No, it's okay. It's okay.
  • Quacker the Duck: What did you do with the princess?
  • Victoria: Quacker, I'm the princess.
  • [Quacker the Duck screams]
  • Victoria: It's me, in this body.
  • Quacker the Duck: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?
  • Victoria: Quacker!
  • Quacker the Duck: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!
  • Victoria: No!
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant! Valiant! Valiant!
  • Victoria: Shh.
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant!
  • Victoria: This is me.
  • Quacker the Duck: [muffled mumbling] Victoria? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.
  • Victoria: I'm ugly, okay?
  • Quacker the Duck: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Valiant those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now...
  • Victoria: No. I... I've been this was as long as I can remember.
  • Quacker the Duck: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.
  • Victoria: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."
  • Quacker the Duck: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
  • Victoria: It's a spell. [sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Bowser Jr. tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [sobs]
  • Quacker the Duck: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Valiant's ugly 24-7.
  • Victoria: But, Quacker, I'm a princess, and this is not a princess is meant to look.
  • Quacker the Duck: Victoria, how 'bout if you don't marry Bowser Jr.?
  • Victoria: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.
  • Quacker the Duck: But, you know, um, you're kind of a pigeon, and Valiant, well, you got a lot in common.
  • Victoria: Valiant?
  • [cut to Valiant outside]
  • Valiant: Princess, I... Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd, uh, uh... [sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
  • Victoria: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Quacker. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay her with Valiant. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
  • [Quacker the Duck takes a deep sigh]
  • Victoria: Don't you see, Quacker? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.
  • Quacker the Duck: You at least gotta tell Valiant the truth.
  • Victoria: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.
  • Quacker the Duck: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
  • Victoria: Promise you won't tell.
  • Quacker the Duck: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. [goes downstairs] I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.
  • [Valiant goes inside]
  • Victoria: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. Valiant! Valiant, there's something I want... [looks around, transforming back into Princess Peach]
  • Princess Peach: Valiant. Are you all right?
  • Valiant: Perfect! Never been better.
  • Princess Peach: I... I don't... There's something I have to tell you.
  • Valiant: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
  • Princess Peach: You know what I said?
  • Valiant Every word.
  • Princess Peach: I thought you'd understand.
  • Valiant: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
  • Princess Peach: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.
  • Valiant: Yeah? Well, it does.
  • [Fiona gasps, then sighs]
  • Valiant: Ah, right on time.
  • [Bowser Jr. walks in]
  • Valiant: Princess, I brought you a little something.
  • [the horses walk in with fanfare]
  • Quacker the Duck: What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a duck.
  • Bowser Jr.: Princess Peach.
  • Valiant: I promised. Now hand it over.
  • Bowser Jr.: Very well, pigeon. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, and agreed. Take it and go before I changed my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but startled me, for I have ever such a radiant beauty before. I am Bowser Jr.
  • Princess Peach: Bowser Jr.? Oh, no, no.
  • [Bowser Jr. snaps his fingers]
  • Princess Peach: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.
  • Bowser Jr.: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the pigeon. It's not like it has feelings.
  • Princess Peach: No, you're right. It doesn't.
  • Bowser Jr.: Princess Peach, beautiful, fair, flawless Peach. I ask your hand in marriage.
  • [Princess Peach gasps]
  • Bowser Jr.: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
  • Princess Peach: Bowser Jr., I accept. Nothing to make.
  • Bowser Jr.: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
  • Princess Peach: No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets.
  • Bowser Jr.: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Tank Evans, round up some guests! [walks down by the guards]
  • Princess Peach: Fare-thee-well, pigeon.
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.
  • Valiant: Yeah? So what?
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night. She's...
  • Valiant: I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant, I... I wanna go with you.
  • Valiant: I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying talking ducks!
  • Quacker the Duck: But I thought...
  • Valiant: Yeah. You know what? [to Quacker the Duck] You thought wrong!
  • Quacker the Duck: Valiant.
  • [the music begins "Hallelujah" by John Cale playing, looking at the swamp, walking down, with Quacker walking down, with Valiant looking at the pieces of the mirror, then cut to Princess Peach, looking at the mirror, then cut back Valiant, setting up a chair, throwing a flower in the fireplace, with people walking by with Princess Peach throwing a veil around, transitioning into Bowser Jr., with Bowser putting his thumb up, then cut to Victoria and Bowser Jr., with Princess Peach putting Bowser Jr. down, looking at the table, then cut to Quacker, looking at the water, looking at Lani Aliikai sobbing, then cut to Valiant on a table, with Princess Peach on a table, then back to Valiant on a table]
  • Valiant: What are you doing?
  • Quacker the Duck: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one.
  • Valiant: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it.
  • Quacker the Duck: It's around your half. See, that's your half, and this is my half.
  • Valiant: Oh! Your half. Hmm.
  • Quacker the Duck: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work, I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head.
  • [they both tug]
  • Valiant: Back off!
  • Quacker the Duck: No, you back off!
  • Valiant: This is my swamp!
  • Quacker the Duck: Our swamp.
  • Valiant: Let go, Quacker!
  • Quacker the Duck: You let go.
  • Valiant: Stubborn jackas!
  • Quacker the Duck: Smelly pigeon.
  • Valiant: Fine!
  • [they let go]
  • Quacker the Duck: Hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.
  • Valiant: Well, I'm through with you.
  • Quacker the Duck: Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.
  • Valiant: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated so bad, how come you come back?
  • Quacker the Duck: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!
  • Valiant: Oh, yeah. You're right, Quacker. I forgive you, for stabbin' me in the back! [goes in the bathroom]
  • Quacker the Duck: Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings.
  • Valiant: [off screen] Go away!
  • Quacker the Duck: There you are doing it again just like you did to Princess Peach. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
  • Valiant: [off screen] Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. [gets out]
  • Quacker the Duck: She wasn't talkin' to you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else.
  • Valiant: She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?
  • Quacker the Duck: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right?
  • Valiant: Quacker!
  • Quacker the Duck: No!
  • Valiant: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?
  • [Quacker the Duck humphs]
  • Valiant: I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly pigeon. Can you forgive me?
  • Quacker the Duck: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
  • Valiant: Right. Friends?
  • Quacker the Duck: Friends.
  • Valiant: So, um, what did Princess Peach say about me?
  • Quacker the Duck: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?
  • Valiant: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.
  • Quacker the Duck: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for there's a will, there's a way, and we'll have a way. [whistles to Lani Aliikai]
  • Valiant: Quacker?
  • Quacker the Duck: [laughing] I guess it's just an animal magnetisim.
  • Valiant: [laughing] Aw, come here you.
  • [they both climb on Lani Aliikai]
  • Quacker the Duck: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. [laughing]
  • [they fly in the sky]
  • Quacker the Duck: Whoo!
  • [camera pans down the church]
  • Sergeant Monty: People of Duloc, we gather here today, to bear witness, to the union...
  • Princess Peach: Um, of our new king...
  • Sergeant Monty: Excuse me.
  • Princess Peach: Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?
  • Bowser Jr.: [laughing] Go on.
  • Quacker the Duck: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? Valiant, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, do you?
  • Valiant: [to Quacker the Duck] What are you talking about?
  • Quacker the Duck: There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"
  • Valiant: I don't have time for this!
  • Quacker the Duck: Wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you?
  • Valiant: Yes.
  • Quacker the Duck: You wanna hold her?
  • Valiant: Yes.
  • Quacker the Duck: Please her!
  • Valiant: YES!
  • Quacker the Duck: Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness! The chicks love that romantic crap!
  • Valiant: All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
  • Quacker the Duck: We gotta check it out.
  • [Valiant throws Quacker up and down]
  • Sergeant Monty: And so, by the power vested in me...
  • Quacker the Duck: [looks at a window] The whole town's in there.
  • Sergeant Monty: ...I pronounce you your husband and wife...
  • Quacker the Duck: [looks at a window] They're at the altar.
  • Sergeant Monty: ...king and queen.
  • Quacker the Duck: Mother Fletcher! He already said it!
  • Valiant: Oh, for the love of Pete!
  • [Quacker the Duck falls to the ground]
  • Valiant: [goes inside] I object!
  • Princess Peach: Valiant?
  • [they all gasp]
  • Bowser Jr.: Oh, now what does he want?
  • [they all clamor]
  • Valiant: Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first of all. Very clean.
  • Princess Peach: What are you doing here?
  • Bowser Jr.: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
  • Valiant: Princess Peach! I need to talk to you.
  • Princess Peach: Oh, you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me...
  • Valiant: But you can't marry him.
  • Princess Peach: And why not?
  • Valiant: Because... Because he's marrying you so he can be king.
  • Bowser Jr.: Outrageous! Princess Peach, don't listen to him!
  • Valiant: He's not our true love.
  • Princess Peach: And what do you know about true love?
  • Valiant: Well, I... Uh... I mean...
  • Bowser Jr.: Oh, this is precious. [chuckling] The pigeon has fallen in love with a princess! Oh, good Lord.
  • [they all laugh]
  • Bowser Jr.: A pigeon and a princess! [continues laughing]
  • Princess Peach: Valiant, is this true?
  • Bowser Jr.: Who cares? It's preposterous! Princess Peach, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! [kisses Princess Peach]
  • Princess Peach: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before. [transforms back into Victoria]
  • Valiant: Well, uh, that explains a lot.
  • Bowser Jr.: Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both!
  • [the guards grab Victoria]
  • Victoria: No, no! Valiant!
  • Bowser Jr.: This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?
  • Victoria: No, let go of me, Valiant!
  • Valiant: No!
  • Bowser Jr.: Don't just stand there, you morons.
  • Valiant: Get out of my way! Argh! [smashes the guards]
  • Bowser Jr.: I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!
  • Victoria: No! Valiant!
  • Bowser Jr.: And as for you, my wife...
  • Valiant: Fiona!
  • Bowser Jr.: ...I'll have you locked back in the tower for the rest of your days! I am king!
  • [Valiant whistles to Lani Aliikai, eating Bowser Jr., screaming]
  • Quacker the Duck: All right, nobody move. I got Lani Aliikai here, and I'm not afraid to use it.
  • [Lani Aliikai roars]
  • Quacker the Duck: I'm a duck on the edge!
  • [Lani Aliikai spits her crown out]
  • Quacker the Duck: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
  • [they all cheer]
  • Quacker the Duck: Go ahead, Valiant.
  • Valiant: Uh, Victoria?
  • Victoria: Yes, Valiant?
  • Valiant: I... I love you.
  • Victoria: Really?
  • Valiant: Really, really.
  • Victoria: I love you too.
  • [Bowser draws the word "Aawww" on a card]
  • All: Aawww!
  • Victoria: "Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form." [echoing, breaking all the windows] "Take love's true form, take love's true form."
  • [Lani Aliikai punches Bowser Jr.'s window]
  • Valiant: Victoria? Victoria. Are you all right?
  • Victoria: Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
  • Valiant: But you are beautiful.
  • [Victoria chuckles]
  • Quacker the Duck: I was hoping would be a happy ending.
  • [the music begins "I'm a Believer" by Smash Mouth playing, then they kiss, then they applaud, then the fairy godmother puts a wand on an onion, transforming into a carriage, then they go inside, throwing a flower to Princess Daisy and Linda, throwing to Lani Aliikai, with Valiant point at Lani Aliikai and Quacker, then they all wave at Valiant and Victoria]
  • Yoshi: [clip from the superstar in Mario Party 9] God bless us, every one.
  • Quacker the Duck: Come on, y'all! Then I saw her face! Ha-ha! Now I'm a believer! Listen! Not a trace. Of doubt in my mind! I'm in love. Ooh-ahh. I'm a believer. I couldn't leave her if I tried.
  • [Big Z, Rafael, and Reggie dance on a piano]
  • Quacker the Duck: Then I saw her face! Now I'm a believer! Not a trace. Uhh! Yeah. Of doubt in my mind! One more time! I'm in love! I'm a believer! Come on! I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey! Y'all sing it with me! I believe! I believe! People in the back! I believe! I believe. I believe. I believe!
  • [last lines]
  • Quacker the Duck: [hysterical laughing] Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.
  • [cut to black]
  • Quacker the Duck: [off screen] I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
  • [the music begins playing in the end credits]
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