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This is the Transcript of The StanBob MarshPants Movie.

  • [Movie starts with the 2020 Comedy Cental and CBS Films logos]
  • [the titles read "Comedy Cental Presents," "A CBS Films Production," and "in association with South Park Studios"]
  • [Seagulls flying across the sky while the screen pans and the open credits start. We then see a pirate on a look-out post. He moves upwards to get a better look at something with his telescope. The screen then shows the view in the telescope of a pirate on a dinghy]
  • Pirate on the Dinghy: [with a trunk] I got it! I got it! I got it!
  • Look-out Post Pirate: [Squints] Dinghy ahoy. [He then looks down to tell someone something] Dinghy off the port bow. Dinghy off the port bow!
  • One Pirate: Dinghy off the port bow! 
  • Pirates: [off-screen] Dinghy off the port bow!
  • Other Pirate: Captain, dinghy off the... [He is slammed in the face by a door as the captain walks on deck]
  • Captain: Dinghy. [Lets the pirate in the dinghy onto the ship, along with the trunk]
  • Pirate Formerly on the Dinghy: I got it! I got it.
  • Captain: Where is it?
  • Pirate Formerly on the Dinghy: It's right here, captain.
  • Captain: [Opens the trunk] I never thought I'd see it with me own eye. Tickets to The Stan's Movie! [The pirates cheer and they sail to the movie theater, singing the StanBob MarshPants Theme Song]
  • Pirates: ♪Who lives in a house under South Park? StanBob MarshPants. Absorbent and Human and porous is he? StanBob MarshPants. If nautical nonsense be something you wish? StanBob MarshPants. Then drop on the deck and flop like a Boy? StanBob MarshPants. StanBob MarshPants. StanBob MarshPants. Stan-Bob Marsh-Pants. StanBob MarshPants. Stan-Bob Marsh-Pants. StanBob MarshPants. StanBob MarshPants. StanBob MarshPants. StanBob MarshPants. Stan-Bob Marsh-Pants!♪ [The pirates hog the snack bar and get some popcorn. They rush into the theater room, where the movie starts]
  • French Narrator: [We start out on the familiar planet earth in space.] Ah, the earth. So mysterious, so beautiful. So... uhh... wet. [The camera submerges inside the earth until it stops in front of Chef's Restaurant.] Our story begins in the planet earth's popular class, Chef's Restaurant, where...
  • [The camera pans down into earth in front of Chef's Restaurant]
  • Police: Back off!! Back off! [waves arms to back off at reporters/citizens]
  • French Narrator: Hey, wait a minute. What is happening?
  • [The screen pans out to show Chef’s Restaurant is surrounded by cops.]
  • Chef: Please settle down. [Referring to Chef's Restaurant] We've got a situation in there. I'd rather not discuss 'till me manager gets here.
  • Sharon Marsh: [off-screen] Look, there he is.
  • [A black boat with orange flames drives up; Stan Marsh's leg, wearing a black boot with an orange snake on it in the shape of an "S", steps out of the vehicle when it is stopped, Stan Marsh climbs out of the limousine. He walks toward Chef's Restaurant and blows a bubble]
  • Stan Marsh: Talk to me, Chef.
  • Chef: Oh. It started out as a simple order: Krabby patty with cheese. When the customer took a bite, no Cheese! [he cries, but Stan slaps him]
  • Stan Marsh: Get a hold of yourself, Chef. I'm going in. [Stan walks in and sees a character, extremely nervous, looking at him krabby patty.] Take it easy, friend. I'm the manager of this establishment. [he puts a briefcase down on a table.] Everything's gonna be just fine.
  • Butters: I'm really scared here, men.
  • Stan Marsh: [Opens the briefcase.] You got a name?
  • Butters: [Nervously] Butters.
  • Stan Marsh: [Puts on gloves.] You got a family, Butters? [Butters chokes over her words, unable to speak. Stan snaps.] Come on, Butters, Stay with me. Let's hear about the family.
  • Butters: I got a wife and two beautiful children.
  • Stan Marsh: [Puts on a headset from the briefcase.] That's what it's all about. I want you to do me a favor, Butters.
  • Butters: What?
  • Stan Marsh: [Stan picks a cup of Cheese out from her briefcase with some tweezers.] Say "Cheese." [Stan dramatically and slowly attempts to put the Cheese on the Burger. He then kicks the door open, Butters in his arms. The crowd gasps. The cheese on the burger cheese.] Order up.
  • All (but Stan)[Cheer and then lift Stan up on their shoulders.] Three cheers for the manager! Hip! Hip! [Honk!] Hip! Hip! [Honk!] Hip! Hip! [Honk!]
  • Stan Marsh: Hooray! Kenny! I had that dream again! And it's finally going to come true! [he runs over to her calendar.] Today! Sorry about this calendar. [She tears off the calendar page for the day before to reveal "March 7." On the page, it has a picture of Chef's Restaurant 2 with rainbows and hearts around it.] Because today is the grand-opening ceremony for Chef's Restaurant 2, where Chef will announce the new manager.
  • [Kenny smiles]
  • Stan Marsh: Who's it gonna be, Kenny? Well, let's ask my wall of 374 consecutive employee-of-the-month awards. [Camera pulls up, revealing many "employee of the month" portraits]
  • Stan Marsh E.O.T.M. Awards: StanBob MarshPants!
  • Stan Marsh: I'm ready. Promotion. [Goes into the walk-in shower, eats soap, inserts a hose in her head, and puffs up until soap comes out. Stan then pulls out paper-like fabric, which he folds into her dress. The back springs off, revealing his rear, which he covers up. he blushes and walks offscreen sideways. Then he brushes her eyes with toothpaste and wipes off the foam] Cleanliness is next to manager-lines. [Goes outside and runs around in circles] I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion.
  • [The scene is zooming to Eric Cartman's house, and then cuts to Eric Cartman in his bathroom]
  • Eric Cartman: (Singing) La da dee, la da doo, la da dum, La da dee, la da doo, la da dum.
  • Eric Cartman & Stan Marsh: [In unision] (Singing) La da dee, la da doo, la da dum, La da d...
  • Eric Cartman: Huh?
  • Stan Marsh: (Singing) ...ee, la da doo, la da dum, Bum Bum Bum, Da da da...
  • Eric Cartman: [interrupts her, and covers himself] Stan! What are you doing in here?
  • Stan Marsh: I have to tell you something, Eric Cartman.
  • Eric Cartman: Whatever it is, can't it wait until we get to work?
  • Stan Marsh: here's no shower at work.
  • Eric Cartman: What do you want?
  • Stan Marsh: I just wanted to say I'll be thanking you in my managerial acceptance speech today.
  • Eric Cartman: Get out! [kicks him out the window]
  • Stan Marsh: Okay. I'll see you at the ceremony. [Runs into Kyle Broflovski, who comes out of his house]
  • Kyle Broflovski: That sounds like the manager of Chef's new restaurant 2. [notices he doesn't have his pants on] Oops. Hold on. [Door closes, with Kyle Broflovski next to it. Then it opens again with Kyle Broflovski wearing his Pants] Congradulations, buddy.
  • Stan Marsh: Oh, thanks, Kyle. And tonight, after my big promotion, we're gonna party till we're purple.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Oh, I love being purple!
  • Stan Marsh: We're going to the place where all the action is.
  • Kyle Broflovski: You don't mean...?
  • Stan Marsh: Oh, I mean.
  • Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski: Mr. Mackey's Ice Cream Party Boat!
  • [Door closes up, and opens up a few seconds later. They now have Mr. Mackey hats on, and a record begins playing on a record player beside Kyle Broflovski]
  • Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski: (Singing) Oh, I'm a Mr. Mackey, yeah. You're a Mr. Mackey, yeah. We're all Mr. Mackey, yeah. Mr., Mackey, Mackey, yeah!
  • Stan Marsh: [Notices his watch] I'd better get going. I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Good luck, Stan. Hey, look for me at the ceremony. I got a little surprise for you. (Singing) I'm a Mr. Mackey, yeah. [Bounces away]
  • [The scene cuts to a large crowd gathered in front of Chef's Restaurant. Tom Pusslicker is on TV, reporting]
  • Tom Pusslicker: Hello, Earth! Tom Pusslicker here, coming to you live from in front of Chef's Restaurant, for years the only place to get a delicious and mouthwatering Krabby Patty. Until today, that is. That's right, folks. Longtime owner Chef is opening a new restaurant called Chef's Restaurant 2! [The crowd applauds] First of all, congradulations, Chef. [Chef has a big grin on his face]
  • Chef: Hello. I like money.
  • Tom Pusslicker: What inspired you to build a second restaurant right next door to the original?
  • Chef: Money. [Everyone laughs]
  • [Satan is watching the entire scenario out the window of Satan's house]
  • Satan: Curses! It's not fair. Chef is being interviewed by Tom Pusslicker, and I've never even had one customer! [the word "customer" is heard echoing in the kitchen. Satan groans and moans while sweating]
  • Shelly Marsh: Don't get worked up again, Satan, I just mopped the floors.
  • Satan: Oh, Shelly, my human wife, if only I could have managed to steal the secret of Chef's success, the formula for the burger. Then people would line up to eat at my restaurant. Lord knows I've tried. I've exhausted every evil plan in my filing cabinet...from A to Y.
  • Shelly Marsh: A to Y?
  • Satan: Yeah, A to Y. You know, the alphabet.
  • Shelly Marsh: What about Z?
  • Satan: Z?
  • Shelly Marsh: Z. The letter after Y.
  • Satan: [Searches through cabinet] W, X, Y, Z. [Grabs Plan Z] Plan Z! Here it is, just like you said.
  • Shelly Marsh: Oh, boy.
  • Satan: [Looks at Plan Z] Oh! Oh! Ohhh! It's evil. It's diabolical. [Sniffs it] It's lemon-scented. This Plan Z can't possibly fail! [Goes outside] So enjoy today, Chef, because by tomorrow, I'll have the formula. Then everyone will eat at my house, and I will rule the world! All hail Satan. All hail Sat...! [Stan runs by and unknowingly squashes him] Ow!
  • Stan Marsh: I'm ready, promotion... I'm ready, promotion...
  • Satan: [While being stepped on by Stan] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
  • Stan Marsh: [Stops running] Eww, I think I stepped in something. [Tries to scrape Satan off. Satan yelps when Stan tries to scrape him off]
  • Satan: Not in something, on someone, you twit!
  • Stan Marsh: Oh. Sorry, Satan. [Looks at smeared Vicky and pulls her off her foot] Are you on your way to the grand-opening ceremony?
  • Satan: No, I am not on my way over [mocks Stan Marsh] to the grand-opening ceremony. [Jumps four times] I'm busy planning to rule the world! [Chuckles]
  • Stan Marsh: Well, good luck with that. [Runs off] I'm ready. Promotion. I'm ready. Promotion.
  • Satan: Stupid boy. [Walks back to his house]
  • [Later, Chef is at a stand in front of Chef's Restaurant 2. The crowd is still gathered there, seated]
  • Chef: Welcome. Welcome, everyone, to the grand-opening of my restaurant 2! [The crowd applauds]
  • Tammy Warner: We paid 9 dollars for this?
  • Wendy Testaburger: I paid $10!
  • Chef: Now, before we begin with the ribbon-cutting, I'd like to announce the name of our new manager. [The crowd applauds again]
  • Stan Marsh: [applauding wildly] Yay! Yeah! Yeah! Now we're talking! Yeah! [leans towards Eric Cartman and shushes him]
  • Chef: Yes. Well, anyway... The new manager is a loyal, hard-working employee.
  • Stan Marsh: [Thinking] Yes.
  • Chef: The obvious choice for the job.
  • Stan Marsh: [Thinking] He's right.
  • Chef: A name you all know. It starts with a letter.
  • Stan Marsh: [Thinking] That's me.
  • Chef: Please welcome our new manager...Eric Cartman! [A banner falls with Eric Cartman's face on it. The crowd begins to cheer and clap, but Stan did instead.]
  • Stan Marsh: Yes! Yeah! [Dances around then she shakes Eric Cartman's hand] Oh, better luck next time, buddy. [Cheers as she runs to the stage] Yeah! All right! [Grabs the microphone] People of the planet earth, as the manager of-
  • Chef: Uh, Stan.
  • Stan Marsh: Hold the phone, folks, I'm getting an important news flash from Chef. Go ahead, Chef. [Chef whispers into her ear.] I'm making a complete what of myself? [Chef whispers again] The most embarrassing thing you've ever seen? [Chef whispers a third time] And now it's worse because I'm repeating everything you say into the microphone?
  • Chef: Oh, for crying out loud, Stan! You didn't get the job!
  • Stan Marsh: What?
  • Chef: You... did not... get... the job.
  • Stan Marsh: But... But why?
  • Chef: Stan, you're a great fry cook, but I gave the job to Eric because being manager is a big responsibility. Well, let's face it, she's more... mature than you.
  • Stan Marsh: I'm not... mature?
  • Chef: Lad, I mean this is the nicest of ways, but there's a word for what you are, and that word is... now, let's see...
  •  ???: Dork?
  • Chef: No, wait, that's not right. Not a dork.
  •  ???: A goofball?
  • Chef: Closer, but no, no, no.
  •  ???: A ding-a-ling.
  • Big Gay Al: Wing nut.
  • Sharon Marsh: A Knucklehead McSpazatron!
  • Chef: OK, that's enough! Look, what I'm trying to say is, you're just a dog. And to be a manager, you have to be a man. Otherwise they'd call it "kid-ager." You understand-ager? I mean, you understand?
  • Stan Marsh: I guess so, Chef.
  • [Stan walks away]
  • Chef: Stan?
  • Stan Marsh [depressed]: I'm ready. Depression. I'm ready. Depression.
  • Chef: Poor boy.
  • [Kyle appears flying on a banner with a "Go Stan" flag]
  • Kyle Broflovski: Hooray for Stan! Hooray for Stan!
  • [Kyle accidentally hits the stage which sets on fire. Everyone except for Kyle runs away]
  • Kyle Broflovski: Let's hear it for Stan! Hello? Where'd everybody go? Did I miss something? Did you see my banner?
  • Narrator: Later that evening...
  • [Later that evening, Satan is traveling through the sky on his jetpack. He stops in front of a giant castle]
  • Satan: Time to put Plan Z into effect. Starting at the undersea castle of Rick.
  • [Rick is sitting in her throne by her Friend Bebe, who is sitting in another throne. Rick hits Terrance on the head with his trident]
  • Terrance: Oh, right. [Clears throat] The royal court is now in session. Bring the prisoner foward. [Guards bring a small prisoner character shaking nervously]
  • Rick: So, you have confessed to the crime of touching the king's crown?
  • Clyde: Yes, but...
  • Rick: But what?!
  • Clyde: But it's my job, Your Highness. I'm the royal crown polisher.
  • Rick: Well, then I guess I can't execute you. Twenty years in the dungeon it is.
  • Bebe: Rick! [Frees Clyde] You're free to go.
  • Clyde: Bless you, Princess Bebe. [runs away]
  • Rick: Bebe, how dare you defy me?!
  • Bebe: Why do you have to be so mean?
  • Rick: I am the king. I must enforce the laws of the earth.
  • Bebe: Balto, I wish you'd try a little love and compassion instead of these harsh punishments.
  • Terrance: That would be nice. [Rick hits him on the head with his trident]
  • Rick: Terrance, clear the room. I wish to speak to my husband alone. [Everyone except Rick and Bebe leave. Rick then shows Bebe his crown] What is this, Bebe?
  • Bebe: Your crown?
  • Rick: And what does this crown do?
  • Bebe: It covers your bald spot.
  • Rick: It's not bald! It's... thinning. This crown does much more than cover a slightly receding hairline. [Puts the crown on a pillow on a stool. While her back is turned, Satan peeks out from behind the crown, snickering evilly] No, this crown entitles the one who wears it to be in charge of the earth. One day, you will wear this crown.
  • Bebe: I'm gonna be bald?!
  • Rick: Thinning! Anyway, the point is you, you won't wear it until you learn how to rule with an iron fist. Like our father. [he reaches for her crown, but puts the pillow on her head instead.]
  • Bebe: Rick, you're "crown"...
  • Rick: What the...? [Discovers that his crown is missing] My crown! Aah! Someone has stolen the royal crown!
  • Satan: [We see him leaving the castle with the crown] I got it. I got it! [He flies past Mr. Mackey's Ice Cream Party Boat, which we get a view of inside. The bar is filled with people eating ice cream]
  • Ronald McDonald: Hey, all you Mackeys, it's time to say howdy to your favorite School Teacher, Mr. Mackey! [The kids cheer]
  • Kids: Howdy, Mr. Mackey!
  • Mr. Mackey: Hey, fellow Mackeys. Time to sing.
  • Mr. Mackey: (Singing) Oh, I'm a Mr. Mackey, yeah. You're a Mr. Mackey, yeah. We're all Mackeys, yeah.
  • Mr. Mackey and Kids: Mackey, Mr., Mackey, Mr. Mackey, yeah! [Cheering]
  • [We then see Stan sobbing at the Nut Bar]
  • Stan Marsh: All right. Get it together, old boy. I know. I'll just stop thinking about it. Hey, you know, I actually feel a little better. I don't even remember why I was sad.
  • [Kyle walks up to him]
  • Kyle Broflovski: Hey, it's the new Chef's restaurant 2 manager! [Stan starts crying again] Wow, the pressure's already setting in.
  • Stan Marsh: No, Kyle, you don't understand. I didn't get the promotion.
  • Kyle Broflovski: What? Why?
  • Stan Marsh: Chef thinks I'm a kid.
  • Kyle Broflovski: [slapping his forehead] What?! That's insane!
  • Stan Marsh: I know.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Well, saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'm a kid! [Herbert Gassion walks up to him handing him a Mackey Meal]
  • Herbert Gassion: Here's your Mackey Meal, sir.
  • Kyle Broflovski: I'm supposed to get a toy with this. [Herbert Gassion throws one at him] Thanks.
  • Stan Marsh: [sighs] I'm gonna head to my house, Kyle. The celebration's off.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Are you sure?
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah. I'm not in a Mackey mood. [he starts to walk away]
  • Kyle Broflovski: Okay, see you.
  • Herbert Gassion: [hands Kyle a Triple Mackeyberry Sunrise] And here's your Triple Mackeyberry Sunrise, sir. [Stan walks back to Kyle]
  • Kyle Broflovski: Yum!
  • Stan Marsh: A Triple Mackeyberry Sunrise, huh? I guess I could use one of those.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Now you're talking. Hey, waiter, we need another one over here.
  • Herbert Gassion: [Handing Stan one] There you go.
  • Stan Marsh: Ooh! [Stan and Kyle gleefully eat rapidly and get ice cream on Herbert Gassion]
  • Stan Marsh: Boy, Kyle, that hit the spot. I'm feeling better already.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Yeah.
  • Stan Marsh: Waiter, let's get another round over here. [then Herbert gives them two more. They eat them and get more ice cream on Herbert] Oh, Mr. Waiter. Two more, please. [Then Herbert gives them two more]
  • Stan and Kyle: Whoo! [they eat the sundaes and get even more ice cream on Herbert Gassion]
  • Stan Marsh: Waiter. [Then they eat two more. By this time, Herbert Gassion is covered in ice cream. We see Kyle finishing his ice cream] Oh, waiter. [singsong] Waiter. [slurring] Wai-toor. [yelling angrily and pounding on the table. The bowls are stacked sidways] Waiter!
  • Herbert Gassion: [puts a scoop of ice cream on a sundae] Why do I always get the nuts?
  • Stan Marsh: [Up on stage holding a lollipop] All right, folks, this one goes out to my two bestest friends in the whole world: [We see Kyle and Mr. Mackey up on stage, too] Kyle and this School Teacher! It's a little ditty called...
  • Stan and Kyle: Waiter!
  • [All three faint. The next morning, Stan wakes up to find Herbert Gassion trying to get him up]
  • Herbert Gassion: [To Stan] Hey. Hey, get up. Hey, come on, buddy. I wanna go home. Come on, pal.
  • Stan: [After recovering] Oh, my head. [He looks drunk]
  • Herbert Gassion: Listen to me. It's 8 in the morning. Go scrape your friend and get going.
  • Stan: My friend? [Sees Kyle lying on the floor. He looks drunk, too] Kyle. Hey, what's up, buddy? [Then realizes something] Wait, you said 8:00. I'm late for work. Chef is gonna be... [Disgustedly] Chef.
  • [At Chef's restaurant 2, Chef is pinning the manager pin on Eric's shirt. Then she pulls up a telescope to him]
  • Chef: Now, pay attention, Eric. As new manager, you've gotta keep a sharp eye out for paying customers. [Looks through the telescope]
  • Eric Cartman: Yawn.
  • Chef: What's this? Rick is riding toward my restaurant at lunchtime! He's got my money!
  • [Outside, Rick gets out of her coach and closes the door on Bebe]
  • Rick: Stay in the coach, daughter. [Gets out of the coach] This won't take long.
  • Bebe: Daddy, please. I think you're overreacting.
  • Rick: Silence, Bebe. I know what I'm doing. [Turns around to leave, but bumps into Chef’s restaurant sign pole] Ow! Terrance! [Terrance, who was with them in the coach, pops onto the scene]
  • Terrance: Yes, Your Highness?
  • Rick: Have this pole executed at once.
  • [Inside Chef's restaurant 2, Chef is changing the price of the burger]
  • Eric Cartman: A hundred and one dollars for a burger?
  • Chef: With cheese, Mr. Eric, with cheese.
  • [Trumpet plays. Rick comes into Chef's restaurant]
  • Rick: [To the customers] Greeting, subjects. I seek the one known as Chef. May he present himself to me at once.
  • Chef: I'm Chef, Your Highness. Would you like to order something?
  • Rick: [lightning flashes] Nay! I'm on to you, Fred! You have stolen the royal crown, you cannot deny! For, clever as you are, you left one damning piece of evidence at the scene of the crime! [Holds up a piece of paper and shows it to Chef]
  • Chef: "I stole your crown. Signed, Chef?!" [Eyes widen]
  • Rick: Relinquish the royal crown to me at once!
  • Chef: But... But this is crazy! I didn't do it!
  • The Phone: [Satan begins impersonating Chef's voice] Ahoy, this is Chef. Leave a message.
  • Yogi Bear: [He impersonates another voice] Hi, Chef. This is Yogi Bear, the man you sold Rick's crown to. Yeah, I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Rick’s crown. [Chef tries to stop Yogi Bear by kicking him but he continues to talk] I sold it to a man in Shell City, and I just wanted to say thanks again for selling me the crown. Rick's crown. [Chef rips the phone from the cord, but the phone still works for a brief moment] Which is now in Shell City. Goodbye.
  • Chef: Heh, heh... Don't you just hate wrong numbers?
  • Rick: My crown is in the forbidden Shell City?! [Screams]
  • [Outside, we see that Satan is behind it, holding the phone]
  • Satan: Plan Z. I love Plan Z.
  • Rick: [continues screaming] Prepare to burn, Chef!
  • Chef: [sobbing] Wait, Rick! Please, I'm begging you! I ain't a crook! Ask anyone, they'll vouch for me!
  • Rick: Very well, then. Before I turn this convincing crustacean into fishmeal, who here has anything to say about Chef?
  • Stan Marsh: [Stan is burping around and looking all drunk] I've got something to say about Ch- [burps] ef.
  • Chef: Stan, me boy, you've come just in time. Please, tell Rick all about me.
  • Stan Marsh: I have worked for Chef for many years and always thought he was a great boss.
  • Chef: You see? A great boss.
  • Stan Marsh: [offscreen] I now realize that she's a GREAT BIG JERK! I deserve that manager's job! But you didn't give it to me, because you say I'm a dog. Well, I am 100% man! And this man has got something to say to you. [blows a long raspberry] There, I think I made my point.
  • Rick: Anyone else? No? Well, then. [Fires at Chef]
  • Stan Marsh: Huh?
  • Chef: Ooh! Me outfit is on fire! Me underwear's on fire! I'm on fire! [he dives into a bucket of water] Oh, yeah.
  • Rick: And now, Chef, [prepares to blast Chef again] you... will...
  • Stan Marsh: Wait! I'm flattered you would do this on my account, but being manager isn't worth killing Ryu over.
  • Rick: Quiet, fool! Chef stole my crown, and now it's in Shell City. That's why he must die.
  • Stan Marsh: Doesn't it seem a little harsh to kill someone over a crown?
  • Rick: You don't understand. My crown is a symbol of my king-like authority. And between you and me... my hair is thinning a bit.
  • Stan Marsh: Oh, Your Highness, I'm sure it's not that noticeable... [Rick removes his paper bag covering the top of his head, revealing a huge bald spot that shines] Bald! Bald!
  • [Everyone keeps on saying: Bald! Bald! Bald!]
  • Gregory: My eyes!
  • Rick: [places the paper bag back on her head] All right, all right.
  • Stan Marsh: Rick, sir? Would you spare Chef's life if I went to get your crown back?
  • Rick: [stretches his eyes out] You, go to Shell City? [laughs while stretching his eyes out again] No one who's gone to Shell City has ever returned. What makes you think you could? You're just a kid. [throws Stan to the floor]
  • Stan Marsh: But I'm not a kid. I can do it.
  • Rick: Run along. I have a boy to cook. [lights his trident]
  • Chef: No! [Stan gets in the way]
  • Stan Marsh: No! I won't let you!
  • Rick: Very well, then. I'll have to fry you both!
  • Bebe: [runs to Chef's restaurant] Rick, stop it! Can't you get through one day without executing someone?
  • Rick: Bebe, I told you to stay in the carriage.
  • Bebe: Where's your love and compassion? [Holds Stan] Look at this little guy. He's willing to risk his life to find your crown and save his boss.
  • Rick: But, daugther, I...
  • Bebe: Please, Rick? At least let him try. What have you got to lose? Might I remind you of your special problem?
  • [She removes the paper bag, once again revealing the shiny bald spot]
  • All: Bald! Bald! Bald!
  • Gregory: My eyes!
  • Rick: [places the paper bag back on her head] All right. Very well, Bebe. I'll give him a chance. But when your little champion fails to return, I get to splatter this man all over the walls.
  • Chef: Huh?
  • Rick: And as for you, be back here with my crown in exactly 10 days! [Kyle pops up]
  • Kyle Broflovski: He can do it in 9!
  • Rick: 8!
  • Kyle Broflovski: 7!
  • Rick: 6!
  • Stan Marsh and Chef: Kyle! [They tackle him]
  • Rick: Six it is, then.
  • Kyle Broflovski: [Being choked by Chef] Fi--ve.
  • Stan Marsh: Kyle, shush!
  • Rick: Until then, the man shall remain frozen where he now stands! [He points his trident at Chef]
  • Chef: No, wait! I'm begging you! [Rick freezes him]
  • Eric Cartman: Who turn on the AC? [gasps] Chef! Oh, no, this is terrible! Who's gonna sign my paycheck?
  • Rick: Come along, Bebe.
  • Bebe: Listen, you guys, the road to Shell City is really dangerous. There's crooks, killers and monsters everywhere! And what's worse, there's a giant Clone [he imitates the Clone stomping] who guards the outskirts of the city and preys on innocent creatures. Don't let him catch you, because if he does, he'll take you back to his lair, and you'll never be seen again! 
  • [While Bebe is explaining, Kyle is staring at her]
  • Kyle Broflovski: She's pretty, Stan.
  • Bebe: Here, take this.
  • Stan Marsh: What's in here? [Opens bag and few winds blow at her face]
  • Bebe: It's a magical bag of winds. I stole them from my friend.
  • Kyle Broflovski: [To Bebe] You're hot.
  • Bebe: Once you find the crown, open the bag of winds and you'll be blown back home.
  • Rick: [from outside] Bebe!
  • Bebe: I'm coming! Good luck, Stan.
  • Stan Marsh: Wait! How did you know my name?
  • Bebe: Oh, I'm gonna be queen of the world one day. I've learned the names of all the creatures.
  • Kyle Broflovski: What's my name?
  • Bebe: That's easy. You're Kyle Broflovski. [Kyle's cheeks turn red and he blushes shyly from head to toe]
  • Rick: Bebe!
  • Bebe: I gotta go. I believe in you guys.
  • Stan Marsh: Thanks, Bebe. [Now to Chef] Don't worry, Chef. Kyle, Eric, and I...
  • Eric Cartman: Pass. [He walks out the door, and leaves her hat behind]
  • Stan Marsh: Kyle and I...
  • Kyle Broflovski: Hi.
  • Stan Marsh: ...are gonna get that crown back and save you from Rick's wrath. You've got nothing to worry about. Your life is in our hands. [Chef turns his eyes and looks at them. They are drooling, and look very stupid. Chef moans out of doubt] Kyle, let's go get that crown!
  • [They run into a secret room under Chef’s Restaurant 2, and run into the Krabby Wagon]
  • Stan Marsh: Feast your eyes, Kyle.
  • Kyle Broflovski: What is it?
  • Stan Marsh: The Krabby Wagon. Chef uses it for promotional reasons. Let me show you some of its features. Sesame-seed finish, steel-belted pickles, grilled-leather interior. And under the hood, a fuel-injected French-fryer with dual grease traps.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Wow!
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah, wow!
  • Kyle Broflovski: Hey, I thought you didn't have a driver's license.
  • Stan Marsh: You don't need a license to drive a sandwich. [They start the engine, and crash through the side of Chef's Restaurant 2, a word that says "KER-PATTY!" appears]
  • Stan and Kyle: Shell City, here we come!
  • [Later, Satan enters Chef's Restaurant, looking satisfied with himself. Chef is still in there, frozen]
  • Satan: Ding-a-ling. Hey there, old buddy. [Sarcastically] Freeze. [laughs] One secret formula to go, please. No, no, don't trouble yourself. I'll get it. [goes into the kitchen and walks out with the bottle with the Formula inside it] Well, I'd like to hang around, but I've got ??? to make... over at my house. Plan Z, I love ya! [Chef's tears fall to the ground as Satan leaves]
  • [The next scene cuts to Stan and Kyle riding to a nearby gas station in the Krabby Wagon]
  • Stan and Kyle: (Singing) Oh, I'm a Mr. Mackey, yeah. You're a Mr. Mackey, yeah. We're all Mackeys, yeah. Mr., Mackey, Mr, yeah!
  • [They stop at a gas station right before the county line. Past the county line, The earth's beautiful landscape is replaced by barren locations. Stan is wearing an aviator's outfit at the wheel and honks her horn to wake up the two hick gas station attendants, Cuphead and Mugman]
  • Stan Marsh: Fill her up, please.
  • Cuphead: What'll it be, fellas? Mustard... or ketchup?! [Cuphead and Mugman slap their knees and crack up, rocking in their chairs]
  • Kyle Broflovski: Are they laughing at us?
  • Stan Marsh: No, Kyle. They're laughing next to us.
  • [Cuphead and Mugman continue to laugh as they advance towards the Krabby Wagon. Then, Mugman bends down and Cuphead uses him for support.]
  • Cuphead: Where you two dumb kids headed, anyway?
  • Kyle Broflovski: Kids?!
  • Stan Marsh: Now, Kyle. For your information, we are not kids. We are men. And we're off to get Rick's crown in Shell City.
  • Cuphead and Mugman: Shell City?
  • Mugman: Ain't that the place that's guarded by a killer clone?
  • Stan Marsh: That's right.
  • Cuphead: Mugman, take off your hat in respect. Respect for the dead!
  • [The two "nyuk" and slap their knees again.]
  • Cuphead: You two dipsticks ain't gonna last 10 seconds over the county line!
  • Stan Marsh: Oh, yeah? We'll see about that. [He and Kyle get back into the Krabby Wagon and pass the county line. Hacker stops them]
  • Hacker: Out of the car, fellas. [Stan and Kyle obey and Hacker drives off in the Krabby Wagon]
  • Stan Marsh: How many seconds was that?
  • Mugman: [checks his watch] Twelve.
  • Stan and Kyle: In your face!
  • [Stan and Kyle slap their knees and laugh like Cuphead and Mugman, who don't seem to care. Kyle makes a loud noise with a blow horn.]
  • Stan: That's what I'm talking about. Yeah!
  • Kyle: Who's the kid now?
  • [Stan runs around Kyle and flaps his arms like chicken wings as Kyle continues to honk the aerosol can.]
  • Cuphead: Clear dead.
  • [Stan and Kyle continue their laughing as they walk down the road. They give each other a high-five, and Kyle honks his can once more.]
  • [The scene changes to a crowd entering the House back in ???. Tom Pusslicker is in front, once again reporting on TV]
  • Tom Pusslicker: Tom Pusslicker here with an incredible news flash. Satan is selling Krabby Patties at the House. How is this possible? Let's find out. (He goes inside)
  • (Inside, Satan is watching his new customers) 
  • Satan: Step right up. Plenty for everybody. 
  • Tom Pusslicker: Excuse me, Satan. Tom Pusslicker, Earth News. Can I get a minute? 
  • Satan: Anything for you, Tom. 
  • Tom Pusslicker: All of Earth wants to know, how did you get the Krabby Patty? 
  • Satan: Well, Tom, before my dear friend Chef was frozen by Rick... (voice breaking) I'm sorry. He confided in me a secret wish. "Sell the Krabby Patty in my absence at the Chum Bucket," he said. "Don't let the flame die out." (sobs) By the way, act now and you get a free Chum Bucket bucket helmet with every purchase. Here you go, Tom. (He plants a bucket helmet on his head) 
  • Tom Pusslicker: Thanks. 
  • Satan: Bucket helmets for everyone! 
  • Man: (happily) My helmet! 
  • (Satan enters his lab, where Shelly is) 
  • Satan: Shelly, baby, I haven't felt this giddy since the day you agreed to be my wife. 
  • Shelly Marsh: I never agreed. 
  • Satan: Evil Plan Z is working perfectly. Nothing can stop me now. 
  • Shelly Marsh: Nothing except Stan and his friend. (Displays Stan and Kyle on the road on her computer screen) My sensors indicate that they're going after the crown. If they make it back, Rick might discover some fingerprints. Tiny fingerprints. Stubby, tiny fingerprints. (Satan looks at his hands) 
  • Satan: Evil Plan Z is way ahead of you, baby. I've already hired someone to take care of those two. He's a vicious, cold-blooded predator! 
  • Saddam: (takes off sunglasses in another one) Sesame seed. 
  • Cuphead: Hey, mister, does that hat take ten gallons? (Both Cuphead and Mugman laugh. For this, Saddan rips of their mouths and drives away)  
  • (Meanwhile, Stan and Kyle are still going)  
  • Kyle Broflovski: Going on. 
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah! Moving on. Just keep going. 
  • Kyle Broflovski: Yup. 
  • Stan Marsh: Gonna get that crown. 
  • Kyle Broflovski: Oh, yeah. All right. 
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah. Victory. 
  • Kyle Broflovski: Are we there yet? 
  • Stan Marsh: We must be close by now. (Sees a sign) Kyle, look. We're doing great! Shell City's only five days away. (A leaf blocking part of the sign comes off, revealing 2 more words) 
  • Kyle Broflovski: By car
  • Stan Marsh: I wish we still had our car. 
  • Kyle Broflovski: Stan, look! 
  • Stan and Kyle: Our car! (We see the Patty Wagon in front of a beat-up bar. Stan and Kyle are about ready to get in the Patty Wagon, but Stan notices that the key is missing) 
  • Stan Marsh: The key! 
  • Kyle Broflovski: Where do you think it is? (A man is thrown out of the bar, the Thug Tug, groaning in pain. Stan and Kyle peek in through the window and see loads of Baldi's Basics Characters drinking, playing pool and fighting. They both see a ski masked Principal of the Thing with the spatula key in his pocket) 
  • Stan Marsh: There it is, Kyle. The key! Now, how are we gonna get it? 
  • Kyle Broflovski: I know. Walk in and ask him for it. 
  • Baldi: What are you looking at? (Punching sounds are heard) 
  • Stan Marsh: Kyle, that's a terrible idea. 
  • Kyle Broflovski: Sorry.
  • Stan Marsh: I know. I'll go in and create a distraction, and you get the key.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Wait. I wanna do the distraction.
  • Stan Marsh: Okay. I guess it really doesn't matter who does the distraction.
  • (Kyle then walks inside the Thug Tug, looking tough)
  • Kyle Broflovski: (Using his mouth as a megaphone) Can I have everybody's attention? (Everybody surrounds closer to Kyle) I have to use the bathroom.
  • Principal of the Thing: It's right over there. (Spots Stan trying to take the key from him. Stan starts to rub on the floor)
  • Stan Marsh: Stupid contacts. Oh, there it is. I better go wash it off. (Runs away)
  • (Inside the restroom, Kyle is whizzing. He finishes as Stan comes in)
  • Stan Marsh: Kyle. You call that a distraction?
  • Kyle Broflovski: Well, I had to go to the bathroom.
  • Stan Marsh: Well, I got my hands dirty for nothing. (Stan pushes the soap dispenser and bubbles came out.) Kyle, check it out!
  • Stan and Kyle: Hooray! Bubble party! (The duo parties with the bubbles. One floats out of the restroom and into the Thug Tug bar)
  • Dr. Eggman: Hey! Who blew this bubble? You all know the rules!
  • Baldi's Basics Characters: All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied patron in the bar.
  • Dr. Eggman: That's right! So who blew it? So nobody knows.
  • (Stan and Kyle burst bubbles)
  • Arts and Crafters: Maybe it was...
  • Dr. Eggman: Shut up! (Throws a chair on him) Somebody in here ain't a real man. (Sees Stan and Kyle trying to sneak out) You! We're on a baby hunt. And don't think we don't know how to weed them out. Now, everybody line up. DJ, time for the test. No baby can resist singing along to this. (The Mr. Mackey theme song plays)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Stan, it's the Mr. Mackey theme song.
  • Stan Marsh: I know. (Stan and Kyle try to resist to sing along)
  • Beans: (coughs)
  • Dr. Eggman: It was you! You're the baby!
  • Beans: No, no! I only coughed, I swear. (The owner eyes him)
  • Dr. Eggman: DJ! Turn it up louder!
  • Stan Marsh: (trying not to sing) Don't sing along, Kyle!
  • Kyle Broflovski: I'm trying. Trying so hard. (The owner notices his and Stan's struggle and starts singing)
  • Dr. Eggman: I'm a Mr. Mackey Goober, yeah You're a Mr. Mackey, yeah We're all Mr. Mackeys, yeah!
  • (Stan and Kyle are about to sing, when Daniel Tiger & Super Why sing instead)
  • Daniel Tiger & Super Why: Mackey, Mr., Mackey, Mr., yeah!
  • Dr. Eggman: Well, well, well. Which one of you babies was it?
  • Daniel Tiger & Super Why: It was him. He did it. I've never even eaten at... Mr., mackey, mr., mackeys, yeah!
  • Dr. Eggman: Well, looks like we got ourselves a double baby! (All of the tough guys start beating them up while Stan and Kyle sneak out of the Thug Tug)
  • Stan Marsh: Man, that was a close call.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Guess what I got. (Pulls out the key)
  • Stan Marsh: The key!
  • (He and Kyle start up the Patty Wagon, get in, and drive away)
  • (Back in South Park for the next morning, Cartman is enjoying the time without Stan)
  • Eric Cartman: Too bad Stan's not here to enjoy Stan not being here. (He starts to ride his bike around town)
  •  ???: Morning. (Eric notices he is wearing a Chum Bucket helmet)
  • Eric Cartman: Some people have no taste in headgear. (Looks around more and sees everyone with a helmet, even a baby) Babies too? (Rides over to a female ??? in a boat, waiting for the light to change) Excuse me, miss, but where is everybody getting that horrid headwear?
  •  ???: (She looks around) Who said that?
  • Eric Cartman: Down here.
  •  ???: (Finds ???) Well, I got it at the House. Satan's giving them away free with every Krabby Patty.
  • Eric Cartman: House? Free? Krabby Patty? Satan? Giving? With?
  • (At the House, Satan is enjoying his day and watching his customers. Eric bursts in)
  • Eric Cartman: So you're selling Krabby Patties, eh, Satan?
  • Satan: That's right, Eric. (Pulls out a helmet) And there's a free bucket helmet with every purchase. Care for one?
  • Eric Cartman: No. You may have hoodwinked everyone else in this backwater town, but you can't fool me. I listen to public radio.
  • Satan: And what's that supposed to mean?
  • Eric Cartman: It means you set up Chef. You stole the crown so Rick would freeze him and you could finally get your stubby little paws on the Krabby Patty formula. (Satan looks at his hands) It was you all along. But you made one fatal mistake. You messed with my paycheck. And I'm gonna report you to the highest authority in the land, Rick!
  • Satan: We'll see about that, Inspector Looselips. (Presses a button on Shelly)
  • Shelly Marsh: Now activating helmet brain-control devices.
  • Eric Cartman: Huh? What? (A satellite goes up on the Chum Bucket, causing the bucket helmets to start to control their wearers)
  • Wearers of Helmets: All hail Satan.
  • Eric Cartman: (Eyes widened) What's going on here?
  • Satan's Slaves (Wearers of Helmets): All hail Satan.
  • Satan: Seize him, slaves!
  • Slaves: All hail Satan.
  • Eric Cartman: I'm getting out of here! (Runs for the door, but more slaves burst in and corner him)
  • Slaves: All hail Satan. All hail Satan.
  • (Eric Cartman, cornered, screams in horror as Satan's slaves capture him)
  • Satan: Who can stop me now? Who?!
  • (Meanwhile, Stan and Kyle are still traveling in the Patty Wagon. They are laughing from something Patrick has done)
  • Stan Marsh: Come on, Kyle, one more time.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Okay. (Imitates the guy who owns the Thug Tug) We're on a baby hunt. And don't think we don't know how to weed them out. (Stan and Kyle laugh)
  • Stan: Weed them out. What a jerk. (They both drive along a pile of skulls) The road's getting kind of bumpy here.
  • Kyle Broflovski: You know, Stan, there's a lesson to be learned from all of this.
  • Stan Marsh: What's that, Kyle?
  • Kyle Broflovski: A bubble-blowing double baby doesn't belong out here in man's country.
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah. (Then realizes something) Wait. We blew that bubble. Doesn't that make us a bubble-blowing double baby? (Both think about this until he spots a free ice cream stand)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Hey look! Free ice cream!
  • Stan Marsh: Oh, boy! (heads the stand)
  • Kyle Broflovski: (Talks to a skull) How you doing? Wait a minute. (Kyle looks at his surroundings and looked worried) Wait a minute. Stan!
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah?
  • Kyle Broflovski: Make mine a chocolate!
  • Stan Marsh: Got you covered. (To Sweetie) Two, please.
  • Sweetie: Certainly. You kids enjoy. (she takes out a fake ice cream)
  • Stan Marsh: Actually, we're men, lady, but thanks. (Gets bowl) Hey, Kyle, let's... (His hand is stuck on the bowl, which Sweetie is still holding) You can let go now. I said, let go, please. What is this? What kind of old lady are you? (A huge frog fish comes out of the ground, revealing that Sweetie was its tongue. When the frog fish is about to eat Stan, he breaks lose and falls into the Krabby Wagon)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Did you get the ice cream? (frog fish roars)
  • Stan Marsh: Step on it, Kyle! (Kyle drives the Patty Wagon at top speed away from the frog fish, which is in hot pursuit, as he and Stan scream)
  • (Saddam has arrived at The Thug Tug, at that time, and is looking around. He finds Stan's bubble. Suddenly, all Baldi's Basics Characters appear)
  • Dr. Eggman: Hey! (Saddam turns around) You may not know it, cowboy, but we got a rule around here about blowing bubbles. (Snaps his fingers and all Baldi's Basics Characters say the rule)
  • Baldi's Basics Characters: All bubble-blowing babies will be beaten senseless by every able-bodied person... (Saddam punches Dr. Eggman into the Thug Tug, which breaks and falls into the ground, then drives away)
  • (Cut back to Stan and Kyle still fleeing from the monster)
  • Sweetie: Come on, kiddies, have some ice cream. I'll let you pet Mr. Whiskers. (A cat on a tongue is shown)
  • Mr. Whiskers: Meow.
  • Stan Marsh: Jump for it, Kyle! (They jump out of the Patty Wagon, which the frog fish eats. A gigantic eel eats the frog fish and dives back in. Stan and Kyle stare in disbelief) Well, we lost our car again.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Never mind the car, where's the road? (echoes) Road, road, road, (the echo turns out to be Kyle repeating) road, road, road, road, r... Sorry.
  • Stan Marsh: There's the road. On the other side of this (Looks down the trench in front of them) deep, dark... dangerous...
  • Kyle Broflovski: (after seeing a fire) Hazardous.
  • Stan Marsh: Hazardous...
  • Kyle Broflovski: (after seeing a tentacle) Monster-infested.
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah, monster-infested... trench.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Hey, Stan, look! Here's the way down. Well, we're not gonna get the crown standing here. On to Shell City. (Kyle took the first step and monsters grawls) Hey, look, it's making noise. Stan? (Sees him about to leave) Hey, where are you going?
  • Stan Marsh: I'm going home, Kyle.
  • Kyle Broflovski: But what about Chef?
  • Stan Marsh: What about us? We'll never survive in that trench. You said it yourself, this is man's country. And let's face it, Kyle. We're just...kids.
  • Kyle Broflovski: We're not kids.
  • Stan Marsh: Open your eyes, Kyle! We blow bubbles, we eat ice cream. We worship a dancing peanut, for corn's sake! We don't belong out here!
  • Kyle Broflovski: We do not worship him.
  • Stan Marsh: (Pulls down his shorts) Kyle, You've been wearing the same Mackey Goober Peanut Party underpants for three years straight. (We see Kyle's underwear with the Goofy Goober pictures on it) What do you call that?
  • Kyle Broflovski: Worship? (Gets tears in his eyes) You're right, Stan. We are kids. (Runs around then falls down)
  • Stan Marsh: Pull your pants up, Kyle. We're going home.
  • Bebe: But you can't go home!
  • (Stan and Kyle see Bebe riding a coach driven by sea horses)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Bebe?! (Struggles to put his shorts on)
  • Stan Marsh: Bebe? How much did you hear?
  • Bebe: I heard enough.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Did you see my underwear?
  • Bebe: No, Kyle.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Did you want to?
  • Bebe: Look, guys, you may be kids, but you're the only ones left who can get that crown.
  • Stan Marsh: What do you mean, the only ones left?
  • Bebe: Things have gotten a lot worse since you left South Park. (Pulls out a magical clam, which opens up revealing Bikini Bottom now) Or should I say Satopolis.
  • Slaves: All hail Satan.
  • Satan: No resting! This monument celebrating my glory isn't gonna build itself. Move faster!
  • Stan Marsh: Oh, my gosh! Kyle, look! Satan's turned everyone we know into slaves. (We see what everyone is doing work for Satan) Eric, Wendy, Tammy, (Stan gasps) even Kenny.
  • Kenny McCorrnick: Meow Satan.
  • Stan Marsh: Can't your friend do something?
  • Bebe: Rick's too distracted by his bald spot to do anything. (The magical clam shows Rick's bald spot about to be sprayed by Terrance with hair growth spray)
  • Rick: Terrance, will you hurry? (Terrance is nervous. He closes his eyes and sprays. Well, he accidentally sprays Rick's eyes, which grow hair and screams)
  • Bebe: (She closes the clam) So you see, you can't quit. The fate of South Park rests in your hands.
  • Stan Marsh: But... But we're just...
  • Bebe: Hey. It doesn't matter if you're kids. What's so wrong with being a kid, anyway? Kids rule! You don't need to be a man to do this. You just gotta believe in yourself. You just gotta believe! (Swims up into the sky, then comes back down)
  • Stan Marsh: I believe.
  • Bebe: That's the spirit.
  • Stan Marsh: I believe that everybody we know is a goner! (He and Kyle begin crying)
  • Bebe: Come on, guys. (They don't stop) Guys. (They still don't stop) Guys? (they both drink their own tears) Ew.
  • Narrator: Meanwhile.
  • (Saddam is next scene crashing threw a bunch of skulls and laughs and one skull becomes a poison look)
  • Bebe: Guys? (No answer) Oh... Think, Bebe, think. (Then she comes up with an idea) Yup, I guess you're right. A couple of kids could never survive this journey. That's why I guess I'll just have to turn you into men.
  • (Stan and Kyle stop crying)
  • Stan Marsh: You can do that? How?
  • Bebe: With my mermaid magic.
  • Scooby Doo & Shaggy: OOOOOOOOOOOOH.
  • Stan: Did you hear that, Kyle? She'll use her mermaid magic to turn us into men!
  • Stan and Kyle: Hooray! We're gonna be men! We're gonna be men! We're gonna be men!
  • Bebe: Good. Now, let's get started. Close your eyes.
  • Stan Marsh: Are we men yet?
  • Bebe: Not yet. Spin around three times.
  • Stan Marsh: (Whispers) I think it's working. (They turn around like they are doing ballet)
  • Bebe: Good. Now, keep your eyes shut. (Grabs two sea weed and puts them onto Stan and Kyle as mustache) With my mermaid's magic and my one tailfin (Kyle giggles), I command the two of you to turn into men! Open your eyes.
  • Stan Marsh: I don't feel any... (Notices that Kyle has a "mustache") Oh, my gosh, Kyle, you have a mustache!
  • Kyle Broflovski: So do you!
  • Bebe: So now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City? (Stan and Kyle adores their mustaches) Guys!
  • Stan and Kyle: Yeah?
  • Bebe: I said, now that you're men, can you make it to Shell City?
  • Stan and Kyle: Heck, yeah!
  • Bebe: Are men afraid of anything?
  • Stan and Kyle: Heck, no!
  • Bebe: And why?
  • Stan and Kyle: Because we're invincible! (Jump off trench) Yeah!
  • Bebe: I never said that!
  • (As they fall, Stan and Kyle do tough moves)
  • Stan Marsh: Kyle?
  • Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, buddy?
  • Stan Marsh: Why did we jump over the edge instead of taking the stairs?
  • Kyle Broflovski: Bec... well...
  • Stan Marsh: (A branch catches them and stops them from falling and they land safely on the ground) Kyle.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Huh Are We Dead?
  • Stan Marsh: No, far from it, my friend. We're safe and sound at the bottom of this trench.
  • Kyle Broflovski: The mustaches worked!
  • Stan Marsh: Do you know what that means? [He and Kyle stand up] We are invincible!
  • Stan and Kyle: Now that we're men, we can do anything. (An eel flips them in the sky and is about to eat them) Now that we're men, we are invincible. (A squid catches them but crashes in a tall piece of coral) Now that we're men, we'll go to Shell City, (they slide down the coral and fly across 3 slow monsters. They then fall in a see-through fish) get the crown, save the town, and Chef. (They walk out of the end of it's gut) Now that we're men, (walking between sea urchins)
  • Stan Marsh: We have facial hair.
  • Stan and Kyle: Now that we're men,
  • Kyle Broflovski: (An urchin rips Kyle's shorts off) I change my underwear.
  • Stan and Kyle: Now that we're men, we've got a manly flair. (waking over volcanos switching on and off) We've got the stuff. We're tough enough to save the day. (playing hopscotch over lava rocks) We never had a chance when we were kids. No! No! No! (They dodge a monster's head, a green hand and a monstrous boulder) But take a look at what the mermaid did. (They dodge a giant green crab who can't even get a chance to pinch them) Ha! Ha! Ha! (They walk onto a road which turns out to be a big, blue, one eyed angler fish's fin. The two begin dancing and slapping their bodies)
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah, go, Kyle. (a green 3 eyed fish and a red squid appears with the purple one-eyed angler fish. When Stan and Kyle were slapping their bodies and legs, the green 3 eyed fish beckons an big orange fish, a purple lobster/dragon, a green one eyed monster with 3 arms on its head, a snail with its eyes on its shell, a big yellow monster with an eye on a stalk and a clam with one eye in its mouth)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
  • Stan Marsh: Oh yeah.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, go Stan. (They both finish by touching the tip of their toes) Ah!
  • Monsters: Hooray!
  • Monsters: Now that they're men, We can't bother them. Now that they're men, they have become our friends. Now that they're men, there'll be a happy end. They'll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown. They'll pass the test (they slap their bodies) and finish the quest. (and again) They'll pass the test and finish the quest for the crown!
  • (The group happily reaches the top of a trench as Stan notices a sign)
  • Stan Marsh: "Shell City, dead ahead." We did it, Kyle! We made it past everything! Even the hideous, disgusting monsters. (Monsters begin to walk away) Not you guys. You guys are awesome! (Monsters just keep walking) Well, Kyle, we should be there in one more verse.
  • Stan and Kyle: Now that we're-
  • Saddam: Finally. I got you right where I want you.
  • Stan Marsh: Can I help you with something, sir?
  • Saddam: Name's Saddam. I've been hired to exterminate you.
  • Stan Marsh: You're gonna exterminate us? (They look at each other and laugh) Listen, junior, you caught me and my friend here in a good mood today, so I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Step aside, and you won't have to feel the awesome wrath of our mustaches.
  • Saddam: You mean these? (Rips Stan and Kyle's fake mustache Off of their faces, Stan and Kyle Wimper while feeling their cheeks in horror) I thought you still had a piece of salad stuck to your lip from lunchtime.
  • (Saddam throws seaweed Dramatically, seaweed falls to the ground after a slight spin)
  • Stan Marsh: They were fake?
  • Saddam: Of course they were fake! This is what a real mustache looks like. (He grows a mustache)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Is he a mermaid?
  • Saddam: All right. Enough gab.
  • Stan Marsh: What are you gonna do to us?
  • Saddam: Satan was very specific.
  • Stan Marsh: Satan?
  • Saddam: For some reason, he wanted me to step on you.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Step on us?
  • Saddam: Yeah! That way you'll never find out that he stole the crown!
  • (Stan and Kyle look at each other again, this time, more scared)
  • Saddam: uhhh... Perhaps I've said too much. (Raises up his foot, ready to step on the two)
  • Kyle Broflovski: That's a big boot.
  • Saddam: Don't worry. This will only hurt a lot. (Laughs maniacally) I love this job! (An extremely large boot stomps on Saddam)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Bigger boot! (Starts to run away, but Stan stops him)
  • Stan Marsh: Wait, Kyle. This bigger boot saved our lives.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Yay!
  • Stan and Kyle: Thank you, stranger.
  • (Stan Marsh looks up)
  • Stan Marsh: uhh... Stranger?
  • (Stan's Evil Clone looks at them)
  • Stan Marsh: It's My Evil Clone! (The two try to run, but Stan's Evil Clone grabs them and takes them with him)
  • Stan and Kyle: Help us! Help us! Save us, someone!
  • (Stan and Kyle have recovered on a bed of tank pebbles)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Are we dead?
  • Stan Marsh: I don't think so. (Inspects the ground) Artificially colored rocks?
  • (Kyle eats the pebbles)
  • Stan Marsh: I don't know where we are. (Bumps into glass) What is this?
  • Kyle Broflovski: It's some kind of wall of psychic energy. (Taps the glass of the fishbowl they are in)
  • Stan Marsh: No, Kyle, it's a giant glass bowl.
  • (Screen zooms out to show the outside of the fish bowl)
  • Stan Marsh: Hey, there's some nice folks.
  • (Camera unblurs to show some Homestar Runner Characters on the shelves and nooks)
  • Stan and Kyle: Hey, over here! Hey! Hey! Hey, you guys! You guys, hey! Help! Hey! Help! A little help here! We're stuck in this... (Kyle stops yelling)
  • (Camera shows Some Homestar Runner Characters)
  • Stan Marsh: Wait a second. Those guys are... (Camera zooms in to Stan's mouth) dead. [Stan's Evil Clone spies on Stan and Kyle, who run around the fishbowl in terror, while Stan's Evil Clone laughs evilly] What's he gonna do to us? (Stan's Evil Clone appears and takes out a small toolbox) Oh, no, he's going for his evil instruments of torture. (Stan's Evil Clone takes out glue and google eyes) Glue? Google eyes? He's making a humorous diorama of.. [Stan's Evil Clone glues the google eyes on a clam, and puts a hat on it and a play phone near it] ... Alexander Clam Bell? Kyle, he's killing characters and making them into smelly knickknacks. And I think we're next.
  • Kyle Broflovski: You think so? (Stan's Evil Clone takes Kyle out of bowl)
  • Stan Marsh: Kyle! No!
  • (Stan's Evil Clone takes Stan out of bowl and puts both on a table involving a heating lamp)
  • Stan Marsh: The heat is so intense from this lamp that I can't move.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Tell me about it.
  • Stan's Evil Clone: (Laughs Maniacally)
  • Stan Marsh: This doesn't look too good, Kyle.
  • Kyle Broflovski: (In a old man voice) You mean we're not gonna get the crown, save the town and Chef?
  • Stan: I don't even think we're gonna be able to save ourselves, buddy.
  • (Stan's arm falls off, then Kyle puts it back)
  • Stan Marsh: Thanks.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Don't mention it.
  • Stan Marsh: Well, it looks like what everybody said about us is true, Kyle.
  • Kyle Broflovski: You mean that we're attractive?
  • Stan Marsh: No, that we're just kids. A couple of kids in way over their heads. We were doomed from the start. I mean, look at us. We didn't even come close to the crown. We let everybody down. We failed.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Shell City.
  • Stan Marsh: Yeah, we never made it to Shell City.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Shell City.
  • Stan Marsh: Exactly, buddy. Yeah, the place we never got to.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Shell City.
  • Stan Marsh: OK, now you're starting to bum me out, Kyle.
  • Kyle Broflovski: No, look at the sign. (Stan sees what he was talking about. A sign by the door) "Shell City. Marine gifts and sundries."
  • Stan Marsh: Shell City is a gift shop? But if this is Shell City, then where's the...? (Camera zooms out to show Rick's crown sitting on a cushion)
  • Stan and Kyle: Crown!
  • Stan Marsh: Rick's crown. This is Shell City. Kyle, we did make it.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, I guess we did.
  • Stan Marsh: We did all right for a couple of goofballs.
  • (Both shed one tear of joy)
  • Stan Marsh: (In a weak voice) I'm a Mr. Mackey, yeah...
  • Stan and Kyle: (Also in a weak voice) You're a Mr. Mackey, yeah...
  • Stan and Kyle: (Camera goes down to show tears in 2 combined teardrops) We're all Mr. Mackeys, yeah. (Screen goes back up to show the two drying) Mr., Mr., Mackey, Mackey, yeah (The two dehydrate and die)
  • (Camera pans back in the theater, where all of the pirates in the audience are crying)
  • Captain: That's the end of Stan Marsh. (To a pirate) Come here, you. (Hugs him tight when a parrot lands on his shoulder)
  • Captain's Parrot: *squawk* Shut up and look at the screen.
  • Captain: The bird's right. Look! (Camera goes back to movie to show the teardrop again) It be the tear of the Mr. Mackeys.
  • (The teardrop rolls down the lamp's wire into the electrical outlet which lets out smoke, causing the sprinklers to turn on. They come back to life from the water and suffocate for one second.)
  • Stan Marsh: Hey, we're alive! (The pirates cheer and people cheer as the back to movie to show Stan and Kyle) Let's get that crown.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Right. (He and Stan rush over to the crown and get ready to pick it up)
  • Stan: On three, Kyle. Ready? One, two, three. (Stan's Evil Clone picks up crown) Hey, it's lighter than I thought. Huh?
  • (Stan and Kyle scream)
  • Stan's Evil Clone: ROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Kyle Broflovski: What's happening?
  • Stan Marsh: I don't know. Look!
  • (Homestar Runner Characters reanimate. Some Homestar Runner Characters Squirt Glue at Stan's Evil Clone and the other homestar runner characters attack Stan's Evil Clone and Stan and Kyle escape)
  • Stan Marsh: Come on, Kyle. Let's get this crown back to South Park.
  • (The two carry the crown outside to the beach)
  • Stan Marsh: Do you still have that bag of winds?
  • Kyle Broflovski: I sure do. (Kyle shows a lump on his butt) Here you go. (Pulls out the bag. Stan stares at him, wide-eyed) What?
  • Stan Marsh: Nothing, nothing... Okay, let's go over the instructions. (Reads the paper with the instructions on it) Let's see, it says here, "Step one: Point bag away from home. "
  • Kyle Broflovski: OK. (Points bag at Shell City)
  • Stan Marsh: "Step two: Plant feet firmly on ground. "
  • Kyle Broflovski: Right! (Plants his feet in the sand)
  • Stan Marsh: "Step three: Remove string from bag, releasing the winds. "
  • Kyle Broflovski: Check. (Pulls the string tied around the bag, and the bag flies out of his arm)
  • Stan Marsh: Well, that seems simple enough. Point bag away from home, feet firmly on ground, pull string, releasing the winds. All right, let's do it for real.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Uh, Stan?
  • Stan Marsh: No, no, stop! (He chases after the bag)
  • Kyle Broflovski: I was bad, I'm sorry!
  • Stan Marsh: Please, bag.
  • Kyle Broflovski: I'm sorry, I just thought... It was a mistake!
  • Stan Marsh: Oh, no. How will we ever get back to South Park now?
  • David Hasselhoff: I can take you there.
  • (Stan and Kyle spot David Hasselhoff running towards them)
  • Stan Marsh: Who are you?
  • David Hasselhoff: I'm David Hasselhoff.
  • Stan and Kyle: Hooray!
  • Stan Marsh: So where's your boat?
  • David Hasselhoff: Boat? (He laughs heartily)
  • (The next scene depicts Stan and Kyle riding toward South Park)
  • Stan Marsh: Go, Hasselhoff!
  • Kyle Broflovski: Next stop, South Park.
  • (The scene back at South Park as the scene Satan's slaves are still under control)
  • Slaves: All hail Satan. All hail Satan.
  • (Inside Chef's restaurant 2, Satan is walking in)
  • Satan: Well, Chef, you know what today is? (Looks at calendar. The date is wrong) Sorry about this, calendar. (Changes it) March 14th. Wait, that's not right. It should say "The day that Krabs fries!" (Looks out the window and sees King Neptune and Princess Mindy arrive) Oooh! Guess who's here.
  • (Above the ocean)
  • David Hasselhoff: (swimming with Stan and Kyle)
  • (The scene changes to Arthur on the boat and Hasselhoff keep swimming)
  • Arthur: Whoa. (falls down on the water)
  • (The scene cut of Hasselhoff keep swimming toward South Park)
  • Stan Marsh: Hooray for Hasselhoff! Nothing can stop us now.
  • Kyle Broflovski: Unidentified object off the hindquarters.
  • Stan Marsh: It looks like...
  • (The diver's boot emerges from the ocean)
  • Stan Marsh: Bigger boot. But how? (The boot stops behind Hasselhoff’s foot. It lifts back to reveal a smudged blob, very similar to Satan earlier when he got stepped on by Stan. From it, Saddam reforms, his sunglasses smashed through, his teeth sharp and his clothes ripped. Then, he peels himself off and lands on Hasselhoff's foot.) Ah! Saddam!
  • Saddam: (smiles in an evil manner) Did you miss me?
  • (At Chef's restaurant 2, Rick and Bebe arrive)
  • Satan: (He has popcorn and a drink with him. He is sitting on a small chair) This is the best seat in the house. All right, Rick, let's get it on!
  • Rick: Chef, your six-day reprieve is up, and it is time for you to die.
  • Chef: (Chef is rapidly sweating mounds of ice cubes) Please, I didn't do it!
  • Rick: There is nothing else I can do.
  • Bebe: You can give Stan and Kyle a little more time.
  • Rick: Except give Stan and Kyle a little more time... (muttering) What? (Realizes what he just said, then turns to Bebe) Bebe!!! Will you butt out?! I won't have you stalling this execution.
  • Bebe: Stalling? I'm not stalling anything.
  • Rick: Yes, you are.
  • Bebe: No, I'm not.
  • Rick: Yes, you are. You're doing it right now.
  • Bebe: I'm stalling.
  • Rick: Yes.
  • Bebe: Stalling?
  • Rick: Stalling!
  • Bebe: Stalling.
  • Rick: Stalling!
  • Satan: Oh, boy.
  • (Back above the ocean, Saddam has appeared. He takes off his smashed through shades and throws them in the sea.)
  • Saddam: Now, where were we?
  • Stan Marsh: Kyle, run!
  • Kyle Broflovski: No, I'm tired of running. If we run now, we'll never stop... (Saddam throws Kyle towards Hasselhoff's feet) Run, Stan! (Stan runs. Saddam pulls out a knife, which he accidentally stabs Hasselhoff in the butt with.)
  • David Hasselhoff: Ooh. Take it easy back there, fellas.
  • (Stan tries run from Saddam, but he's coming closer and closer.)
  • Kyle Broflovski: Stan, be careful.
  • Saddam: Come on, kid, give it up. Saddam always gets his man.
  • Stan Marsh: Never!!!!!!! (Jumps to Hasselhoff's other foot dramatically) Yeah! I did it!
  • Saddam: You got guts, kid. Too bad I gotta rip them out of you.
  • Stan Marsh: I don't know what Satan's paying you, (Takes out a pile of Goober Dollars) but if you let us go, I can make it worth your while. (Saddam swipes the dollars)
  • Saddam: It's gonna take a lot more than five...(looks at the dollars) What is this?
  • Stan Marsh: Uh, That, sir, is five Goober Dollars. Legal tender at any participating Goofy Goober (throws the dollars away and grabs Stan)... I got bubbles. Fun at parties. (sprays soapy bubbles into Saddam's eyes which causes them to swell up and go red.)
  • Saddam: My eyes! (Throws Stan)
  • Kyle Broflovski: I got you, Stan! (Catches him)
  • Stan Marsh: Thanks, buddy. (Saddam threatens to squish them) Uh, thanks a lot.
  • Saddam: That's it! I'm through messing around! See you later, fools! (sees the boat) Huh?
  • (Saddam suddenly crashes with a floating sailboat and falls into the ocean)
  • Kyle Broflovski: See ya.
  • (Inside Chef's restaurant 2)
  • Bebe: So you think....I'm....stalling.
  • Rick: Aaaaaagggghhhhh! Where am I, in crazy town? I have had enough of this nonsense!! You are to wait in the carriage until the execution is done!!!
  • Bebe: But Daddy...
  • Rick: Now!!! (She gets on the elevator and press the floor button. Rick closes the elevator)
  • Bebe: No, no, no! Oh, Stan, wherever you are, you better hurry.
  • David Hasselhoff: [Arrives below South Park] Okay, fellas, this is where you get off. South Park's directly below.
  • Stan Marsh: But we'll never be able to float down in time.
  • David Hasselhoff: Who said anything about floating? [Stands up]
  • Announcer: Initiating launch sequence.
  • Stan and Kyle: What the? [Hasselhoff's pecs turn into launchers]
  • Stan Marsh: Did you see that?
  • Kyle Broflovski: The control. [Hasselhoff grabs them]
  • David Hasselhoff: All hands on deck. [Places them on his pecs and prepares for liftoff]
  • Announcer: Ten seconds to liftoff. Nine, eight...
  • Rick: (Lights his trident) Chef, the time has come...
  • Bebe: (Outside) No!
  • Satan: (Quietly) Yes!
  • Announcer: ...6, 5...
  • Rick: ....For you....
  • Bebe: (Outside) No!
  • Satan: (Normally) Yes!
  • Announcer: ...3, 2...
  • Rick: ....To fry.
  • Bebe: (Outside) No-o-o!
  • Satan: (close up) YES!!!
  • Announcer: ... 1. (Explosion Stan, Kyle and the crown are launched in the ocean and back down to South Park.)
  • Chef: NO! (Just then, Stan and Kyle fall through the roof. Chef is about to be fried, but the crown blocks the ray, and it is blasted up to land, where Hasselhoff is lying down)
  • Hasselhoff: You done good, Hasselhoff. You done... (He is blasted with Rick's ray and survives) ow.
  • Stan Marsh: Hooray! We made it!
  • Kyle Broflovski: We made it!
  • (Stan and Kyle laugh and jump with excitement)
  • Chef: Ha! Ha! Oh, I he ya! Yippee! Ho! Ho! We made it!
  • Rick: My crown! My beautiful crown!
  • Bebe: (gets out of the elevator) Stan, Kyle, I knew you could do it! (Hugs them. Satan then starts clapping slowly)
  • Satan: (Sarcastically) Oh, yes. Well done, Stan.
  • Stan Marsh: (Sarcastically) Sorry to rain on your parade, Satan.
  • Satan: Oh, don't worry about me. My parade shall be quite dry under my umbrella! (Pulls a cord that is hanging above him)
  • Bebe, Stan and Kyle: Umbrella? (Turn to Rick, who is kissing his crown. The ceiling opens up and a helmet falls out. It lands on Rick's head. He struggles to get it off)
  • Bebe: Rick, no!
  • Satan: Rick, yes! [Pulls out a remote control with only a big, red button on it. He presses the button]
  • Rick: [We see Rick still struggling. An antenna emerges from the top of the helmet, turning him to a slave. He stops and says only 3 words] All hail Satan. [Bebe, Stan and Kyle scream. Satan's slaves burst in through the windows]
  • People: All hail Satan. All hail Satan. All hail Satan. All hail Satan. [Bebe, Stan and Kyle back up against the wall. Rick lights his trident]
  • Kyle Broflovski: Stan, what happened?
  • Stan Marsh: Satan cheated.
  • Satan: Cheated? (Now to Rick) Hold on there, baldy. (Now to Stan) Oh, grow up. What, you think this is a game of kickball on the playground? You'd never had a chance to defeat me, fool! And you know why?
  • Stan Marsh: Because you cheated?
  • Satan: No, not because I cheated! Because I'm an evil genius. And you're just a kid. A stupid kid!
  • Stan Marsh: I guess you're right, Satan. I am just a kid.
  • Satan: Of course I'm right. Okay, Rick, time to kill.
  • Stan Marsh: And you know, I've been through a lot in the past six days, five minutes, twenty-seven-and-a-half seconds. And if I've learned anything during that time, It's that you are who you are.
  • Satan: That's right. Okay, Rick...
  • Stan Marsh: And no amount of mermaid magic...(Turns to Bebe)...or managerial promotion... (Turns to the frozen Chef)...or some other third thing...can make me anything more than what I really am inside: A kid.
  • Satan: That's great. Now, get back against the wall.
  • Stan Marsh: (over microphone) But that's okay.
  • Satan: What? What's going on?
  • Stan Marsh: Because I did what everyone said a kid couldn't do. I made it to Shell City, and I beat the Evil Clone, and I rode the Hasselhoff, and I brought the crown back.
  • Satan: All right, we get the point.
  • Stan Marsh: So, yeah, I'm a kid. (Dry ice smoke surrounds Satan, and a spotlight appears on Stan.) And I'm also a goofball. And a wing nut. And a Knucklehead McSpazatron!
  • Satan: What? (coughs from the smoke) What's going on here?
  • Stan Marsh: But most of all, I'm...
  • Satan: Okay, settle down. Take it easy. Oh No?
  • Stan Marsh: I'm... I'm...I'M!...I'M!
  • Satan: What the scallop!?
  • Stan Marsh: (song blast) I'm a goofy goober! (Rock) You're a goofy goober! (Rock) We're all goofy goobers! (Rock) Goofy, goofy, goofy, goofy goober! (Rock) Put your toys away Well, then I got to say when you tell me not to play I say, no way (No way) No, no, no, no way I'm a kid, you say When you say I'm a kid I say, say it again And then I say thanks (Thanks) Thank you very much So if you thinking that you'd like to be like me Go ahead and try The kid inside will set you free I'm a goofy goober! (Rock) You're a goofy goober! (Rock) We're all goofy goobers! (Rock) Goofy, goofy, goofy, goofy goober, yeah!
  • Satan: (recovering from being flung into the wall) What's happening? (Sees Stan dancing) His dance moves are impressive, but I'm in control. (To slaves) Seize him!
  • People: All hail Satan. (People begin walking towards Stan, when suddenly Stan explodes into a wizard outfit, using his guitar to blast the control buckets off of the controlled people)
  •  ???: I'm free. I've been freed!
  • Satan: What? No! (Helmets continue to be blasted off as the people erupt in cheer) My precious helmets!
  • (The main cast of characters all get their helmets blown off before Stan shoots a laser into the ceiling, destroying all helmets in South Park)
  • Satan: His chops are too righteous! The helmets can't handle this level of Rock and Roll! Shelly, do something!
  • Shelly Marsh: (Crowd surfing) Wheeeeeee! Ahahaaa!!
  • Satan: Argh! Alright, that's the last straw! Rick, I command you to- (Satan gets cut off as a laser destroys Rick's helmet)
  • Bebe: (Holding the crown) Here you go, Rick.
  • Satan: I better get out of here.
  • (Satan runs for the door, when he is suddenly blocked by a mass of people)
  •  ???: Look! It's the wizard who saved us!
  • Satan: Out of my way, fools! (The people trample over Satan, storming Chef's restaurant as he cries out in pain)
  • Satan: (He is now squished into the texture of cookie dough, covered with shoe-prints. The policemen pick him up and put him in a cage) Come on, I was just kidding. Come on, you guys knew that, didn't you? With the helmets and the big monuments...Wasn't that hilarious, everybody? (His cage is put in a police car, which drives away) I will destroy all of you! (Everyone that was watching)
  • Rick: Well, Bebe, I have to admit, you were right. Your compassion for these sea creatures proved a most admirable trait. Without it, I would have never again seen my beloved crown. I think you're going to make a fine ruler of the sea one day. Now, let's go home. (Turns to leave, but is stopped by Bebe)
  • Bebe: Rick, haven't you forgotten something?
  • Rick: Huh? What? Oh, uh... Oh, yeah. Chef, I forgot to unfreeze you. (He does so, but Chef is pink instead of brown)
  • Chef (pink): What the...?
  • Rick: Oops. I guess I had it set to "real boy" ending. (Sets it right) Oh, I'm sorry for falsely freezing you, Chef. And may I say, sir, you are a very lucky fellow to have in your employ such a brave, faithful, and heroic young lad. Where is he, anyway?
  • Stan Marsh: I'm up here. (We see him hanging from ropes)
  • Kyle Broflovski: I'm on it. (Gets Stan down)
  • Rick: Go to him now, Chef. Embrace him. (Chef walks over to Stan)
  • Chef: Stan, me boy. I'm sorry I ever doubted ye. That's a mistake I won't make again.
  • Stan Marsh: Oh, Chef, you old soft-serve. (They hug)
  • Chef: And now, Stan, I'm gonna do something that I should've done six days ago. Mr. Eric! Front and center, please. (Eric Cartman comes) I think we all know who rightfully deserves to wear that manager pin. (Looks at Stan)
  • Eric Cartman: I couldn't agree more, sir.
  • ???: Hooray for Stan!
  • (Cheering)
  • Stan Marsh: Wait a second, everybody. There's something I need to say first. I just don't know how to put it.
  • Eric Cartman: I think I know what it is. After going on your life-changing journey, you now realize you don't want what you thought you wanted. What you really wanted was inside you all along.
  • Stan Marsh: Are you crazy? (Grabs manager pin) I was just gonna tell you that your fly is down! (Eric's eyes widen) Manager, this is the greatest day of my life! (The credits begin rolling as songs play)
  • Captain: You know. David Hasselhoff is a great artist.
  • Usher: Excuse me, sir. You folks have to leave.
  • Pirates: (groans)
  • Captain: What? Say that again, if you dare. (Points his sword at her)
  • Parrot: Squawk.
  • Usher: You folks have to leave.
  • Captain: Okay.
  • (Everyone leaves the theater)
  • Pirate: Sorry about that.
  • (The usher sweeps up the popcorn, humming and the 2020 Comedy Cental and CBS Films logo appears and then fades out)
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