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  • [Dreamworks logo]
  • [first lines]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [reading] "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of  a fearful sort.  whick could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle. guarded by a terrible fire-breathing rabbit. Many brave have attermpted to free her from this dreadful prison, but more prevailed . She watied in the rabbit's keep in the highnest room of the tailest tower. for her true love and true love's love kiss "[tears a book page. laughing]  Like that's ever gonna happen. [sits on a toliet] What a load of..,
  • [the music begins"All-Star" by Smashmouth playing, with Ian Lightfoot walking out of his room, closing the door, then the title card appears, with characters of cast, then cut to the Axem Rangers walking room, with Ian Lightfoot blowing fire at the fireplace, with the Axem Rangers lightning their torches, with Ian Ligthfoot looking at the Axem Rangers, then the Axem Rangers walk down, with Ian Lightfoot walking up to the Axem Rangers]
  • Red Axem Ranger: Think it's in there?
  • Pink Axem Ranger: All right, let's get it!
  • Green Axem Ranger: Whoa! Hold on, Do you know what that thing could do to you?
  • Black Axem Ranger: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant, Now, lightfoots, they're much worse, They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
  • Yellow Axem Ranger: No!
  • Ian Lightfoot: They'll shave your liver, Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Acutally, it's quite good on toast.
  • Red Axem Ranger: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  • [Ian Lightfoot lights the torch, extinguishing like a match]
  • Red Axem Ranger: Right.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [roars at the Axem Rangers, then they all scream, then he waits until the Axem Rangers stopped screaming, then whispering] This in the part where you run away.
  • {the Axem Rangers scarper off]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [laughing] And stay out! [picks up a paper, saying, "WANTED FAIRYTALE CREATURES REWARD"]"Wanted, Fairy tale creatures." [throws a paper, walking away]
  • [cut to the fairy tale creatures]
  • Guard 1: All right, this one's full. Take him away!
  • Guard 2: Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  • Captain Smek: Next!
  • Tank Evans: Give me that! [breaks the broom in half] Your flying days are over.
  • Captain Smek: That's 20 pieces of sliver for the witch. Next!
  • Guard 3: Get up!
  • Man: 20 pieces.
  • Guard 4: Come on!
  • Guard 5: Sit down there! Keep quiet!
  • Fievel Mousekewtiz: [crying in a cage] This cage is to small.
  • Koopa Troopa: Please don't turn me in. I'II never be stubbom again. I can change! Please! Give me another chance!
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: [to Koopa Troopa] Oh, shut up.
  • Captain Smek: Next. What have we got?
  • Sergeant Monty: This little wooden puppet.
  • Valiant: I'm not a puppet. I'm a pigeon. [paints a picture while growing his nose]
  • Captain Smek: Five shillings for the possesssed pigeon. Take him away.
  • Valiant: [goes in a bubble, flying away] Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
  • Captain Smek: Next! What have we got?
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: [clip with Wreck-It Ralph] Well, I've got a talking turtle.
  • Captain Smek: Right. Well, that's good for 10 shillings, if you can prove it.
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  • Captain Smek: Well?
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: [clip with Wreck-it Ralph] Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. you boneheaded dolt...
  • Captain Smek: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: No, no! He talks! I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
  • Captain Smek: [to Vanellope Von Schweetz, annoyed] Get her out of my sight.
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: [clip from Wreck-It Ralph] No, no! I swear! He can talk!
  • [the cage lands on Koopa Troopa, flying up]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, I can fly!
  • Luigi: He can fly!
  • All: He can fly!
  • Captain Smek: He can talk!
  • Koopa Troopa: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking turtle. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but i bet you ain't never seen a turtle fly. [laughs, then starts to fall on the ground] Uh-oh. [falls to the ground]
  • Captain Smek: [to Koopa Troopa] Seize him!
  • [Koopa Troopa runs away from the guards]
  • Guard 6: After him! Hs's getting away!
  • [Koopa Troopa continues running away, hitting Ian Lightfoot]
  • Guard 7: Get him! This way! Turn!
  • Captain Smek: You there! Lightfoot!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Captain Smek] Aye?
  • Captain Smek: By the order of Bowser, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Captain Smek] Oh, really? You and what army?
  • [Captain Smek looks at the shield and spear laying down, running away]
  • Koopa Troopa: [to Ian Lightfoot] Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Are you talking to... me? Whoa!
  • Koopa Troopa: Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought that they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to show that.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, that's great. Really.
  • Koopa Troopa: Man, it's good to be free.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends, hmm?
  • Koopa Troopa: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! l'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit that anybody crosses us.
  • [Ian Lightfoot roars at Koopa Troopa]
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job well done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...
  • [Ian Lightfoot covers Koopa Troopa's mouth, mumbling]
  • Koopa Troopa: Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt all day.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] Why are you following me?
  • Koopa Troopa: I'll tell you why. [singing] Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me, my problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] Stop singing! [picks Koops Troopa up] It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
  • Koopa Troopa: Wow. Only a true would be that cruelly honest.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Listen, little turtle. Take a look at me. What  am i?
  • Koopa Troopa: [looks at Ian Lightfoot] Uh, really tail?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No! I'm a lightfoot. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks. "Doesn't that bother you?
  • Koopa Troopa: Nope.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Really.
  • Koopa Troopa: Really, really.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh.
  • Koopa Troopa: Man, I like you. What's your name?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Um, Ian Lightfoot.
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot? Well, you know what. I like about you, Ian Lightfoot? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Ian Lightfoot. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to like in a place like that?
  • Ian Lightfoot: That would be my home.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh! And it's just lovely! Just beautiful. You are a quite decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at a rock] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't etertain much, do you?
  • Ian Lightfoot: I like my privacy.
  • Koopa Troopa: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence, you know. Can I stay with you?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Uh, what?
  • Koopa Troopa: [to Ian Lightfoot} Can I stay with you? Please?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Of course!
  • Koopa Troopa: Really?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No.
  • Koopa Troopa: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Okay! Okay! But one night only.
  • Koopa Troopa: [sits down, getting up] Ah! Thank you!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What are you... No! No!
  • Koopa Troopa: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm making waffles.
  • [Ian Lightfoot growls]
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh, where do I sleep?
  • Ian Lightfoot: OUTSIDE!
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and me, so I guess outside is best, you know. [sniffling] Here I go. Good night. [sleeps down] mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a turtle. I was born outside. I'II just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you knwo. By myself, outside. [continues singing]I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me.
  • [cut to the fireplace, bubbling, Ian Lightfoot poking out of his ear, lighting a candle, then starting to eat, them Koopa Troopa sleeps]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa} I thought I told you to stay outside.
  • Koopa Troopa: I am outside.
  • [Ian Lightfoot looks around to see Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and Rabbit]
  • Winnie the Pooh: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the home, but what choice do we have?
  • Tigger: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
  • Winnie the Pooh: [squishes on a slug] What a lovely bed.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Gotcha!
  • Rabbit: I found some cheese. [eats Ian Lightfoot's ear] Blah! Awful stuff.
  • Winnie the Pooh: Is that you, Rabbit?
  • Rabbit: How did you know?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Enough! [grabs Rabbit] What are you doing in my house?
  • [Lightning McQueen, Mater and Chick Hicks push Laurel Lightfoot on the table]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Hey!
  • [the cars snicker at Ian Lightfoot]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
  • Chick Hicks: Where are supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
  • [Ian Lightfoot looks at Cody Maverick]
  • Cody Maverick: What?
  • Ian Lightfoot: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying lightfoot! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? [throws Cody Maverick outside] Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No!
  • [the witches pass by Ian Lightfoot, laying down on the ground, flying away]
  • Ian Lightfoot: What?
  • Arnold: Quit it.
  • Kate: Don't push.
  • [Chicken Joe plays a flute to the mice, then cut to the Mousekewtiz family]
  • Ian Lightfoot: What are you doing in my swamp?! [his voice echoes] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
  • [the dwarf drops a bowl, then they all gasp]
  • Tiago, Bia and Carla: Oh, dear!
  • Mater: Whoa!
  • Ian Lightfoot: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
  • Chick Hicks: Quickly. Come on!
  • Ian Lightfoot: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. [tries to open the door]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, Look at me. I didn't invite them.
  • Valiant: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
  • Ian Lightfoot: What?
  • Valiant: We were forced to come here.
  • Ian Lightfoot: By who?
  • Anais Watterson: Bowser. [from The Amazing World of Gumball clip] He huuffed und he puffed und he signed an eviction notice.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [sighs] All right. Who knows where this Koopaling guy is?
  • [they all murmur]
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, I do. I know where he is.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
  • Koopa Troopa: Me! Me!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Anyone!
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me! Me!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officialy worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Koopaling right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
  • [they all cheer, putting around Ian Lightfoot]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] You! You're comin' with me.
  • Koopa Troopa: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Ian Lightfoot and Koopa Troopa, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big city adventure. I love it! [singing] On the road again! [spoken] Sing it with me, Ian Lightfoot.
  • [Ian Lightfoot snakes the torch, throwing the Dwarf away]
  • Koopa Troopa: [continues singing] I can't wait to get on the road again!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What did I say about singing?
  • Koopa Troopa: Can I whistle?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No.
  • Koopa Troopa: Can I hum it?
  • Ian Lightfoot: All, right, hum it.
  • [Koopa Troopa hums "On the Road Again", then cut to the kitchen, with Bowser. walking in, with Von Talon pouring milk in, then Bowser. continues walking, then guards salute their spears, then Bowser. goes inside the kitchen]
  • Bowser: That's enough. He's ready to talk.
  • [Pac-Man coughs from a milk]
  • Bowser: [laughing, then clears thorwing, playing with Pac-Man's legs] run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!
  • Pac-Man: You're a monster.
  • Bowser: I'm not the monster here. [thorws Pac-Man's leg] You are. You and the rest of the fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others
  • Pac-Man: Eat me! [spits at Bowser]
  • Bowser: I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'III...
  • Pac-Man: No, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
  • Bowser: All right then. Who's hiding them?!
  • Pac-Man: [clip from Pac-Man World] Okay, I'II tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
  • Bowser: The muffin man?
  • Pac-Man: The muffin man.
  • Bowser: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives in Drury Lane?
  • Pac-Man: Well, she's married to the muffin man.
  • Bowser: The muffin man?
  • Pac-Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
  • Bowser: She's married to the muffin man.
  • Captain Smek: My lord! We found it.
  • Bowser: Then what are you watiting for? Bring it in.
  • [Captain Smek brings CGI Clown in, then they all gasp, with the clip of Pac-Man in Pac-Man World]
  • Bowser: Nick Wilde.
  • Pac-Man: DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING! [clip from Pac-Man World] No!
  • Bowser: Evening. Clown, clown, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?
  • CGI Clown: [the CGI pink ball bounces to CGI clown] Well, techinically, you're not a king.
  • Bowser: Uh, Von Talon.
  • [Von Talon ounches the mirror]
  • Bowser: You were saying?
  • CGI Clown: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
  • Bowser: Go on.
  • CGI Clown: [telling Bowser about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's elgible bachelorettes. And here they are!
  • [shows images of Judy Hopps]
  • CGI Clown: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Judy Hopps.
  • [changes to images to Laurel Lightfoot]
  • CGI Clown: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live she is. Come on. Give it up for Laurel Lightfoot!
  • [changes to Disgust]
  • CGI Clown: And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a firey redhead, from a rabbit-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuring, Disgust! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
  • Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
  • Bowser: Three? One? [shuddering] Three?
  • Von Talon: Three! Pick number three, my lord!
  • Bowser: Okay, okay, uh, number three!
  • CGI Clown: Bowser, you've chosen Disgust.
  • [the music begins Escape by Rupert Holmes playing]
  • Bowser: Disgust. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...
  • CGI Clown: But I probably ahould mention the little thing that happens at night.
  • Bowser: I'II do it.
  • CGI Clown: Yes, but after sunset.
  • Bowser: Slience! I will make this Disgust my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain Smek, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.
  • [cut back to Ian Lightfoot and Koopa Troopa, going to Duloc]
  • Koopa Troopa: But that's it. That's right here. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.
  • Ian Lightfoot: So, that must be Bowser's castle.
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh-huh. That's the place.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [laughing]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, wait. Wait up, Ian Lightfoot.
  • Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Duloc Mascot] Hey, you!
  • [Duloc Mascot screams, running away]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just... I just... [sighs]
  • [Duloc Mascot continues running away, then they walk down, then Duloc Mascot hits the wall, falling to the ground, with Ian Lightfoot and Koopa Troopa looking at the Duloc Mascot, then Ian Lightfoot goes in the turnstlie, entering Duloc, then Koopa Troopa flips around the turnstlie, entering Duloc, then Ian Lightfoot sights, then they enter Duloc, looking around]
  • Ian Lightfoot: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, look at this! [goes up the information booth, pulling a leaver, then, after some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop and and they begin singing]
  • Clockwork Chrous: Welcome to Duloc, it's a perfect town! Here we have some rules, let us lay then down! Don't make waves, stay in line, and we'll get along fine! Duloc is a perfect place! Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your face! Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place!
  • [the booth takes Koopa Troopa and Ian Lightfoot's photo, saying, "WELCOME TO DULOC", showing them stunned]
  • Koopa Troopa: Wow! Let's do that again!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [grabs Koopa Troopa] No. No. No, no, no! No.
  • [they hear a fanfare]
  • Bowser: Brave knights. You are the best in brightest in all the land.
  • [they both go to the tournament]
  • Bowser: Today, one of you shall prove himself...
  • Ian Lightfoot: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
  • Koopa Troopa: Sorry about that.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Bowser: That champion shall have the honor, no, no, the privilege, go forth and rescue the lovely Disgust, from the firey keep of Judy Hopps. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's s sacrifice I am willing to make.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Bowser: Let the tournament begin!
  • [Ian Lightfoot walks backwards]
  • Bowser: What is that?
  • [Ian Lightfoot gasps]
  • Bowser: It's hideous!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a turtle.
  • Koopa Troopa: Huh?
  • Bowser: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the lightfoot will be named champion! Have at him!
  • Knight 1: Get him!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
  • Woman: Go ahead! Get him!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [takes a cup] Can't we just settle this over a pint?
  • Knight 2: Kill the beast!
  • Ian Lightfoot: No? All right, then. Come on! [breaks the barrel, spilling some on the knights, with the music of 'Bad Reputation" by Halfcocked playing]
  • [Koopa Troopa rolls on the barrel, knocking some knights]
  • Knight 3: Damn!
  • [Ian Lightfoot flights with the guards]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, Ian Lightfoot, tag me! Tag me!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [flights with a guard] Ah! [laughing, then he continues flighting the guards] Yeah! [flights with another guard]
  • Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!
  • [Ian Lightfoot continues flighting, with the people cheering, then Ian Lightfoot throws the guard around, then Koopa Troopa rings the bell]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [laughing] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! [laughs]
  • [they all aim]
  • Guard 8: [to Bowser] Shall I give the order, sir?
  • Bowser: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What?
  • Bowser: Congratulations, lightfoot. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to give my swamp back.
  • Bowser: Your swamp?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
  • [they all murmur]
  • Bowser: Indeed. All right, lightfoot, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Bowser] Exactly the way it was?
  • Bowser: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
  • Ian Lightfoot: And the squatters?
  • Bowser: As good as gone.
  • Ian Lightfoot: What kind of quest?
  • [cut to the field]
  • Koopa Troopa: Let me get this stralight. You're gonna go flight Judy Hopps, and rescue a princess just so Bowser. will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that right?
  • Ian Lightfoot: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason turtles shouldn't talk.
  • Koopa Troopa: I don't get it, Ian Lightfoot. Why don't you just pull some of that lightfoot stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole lightfoot trip.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, I know that. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. [to Koopa Troopa] Does that sound good to you?
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh, no, not really no.
  • Ian Lightfoot: For your information, there's a lot more to lightfoots then people think?
  • Koopa Troopa: Example?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Example? Okay, um, lightfoots are like onions.
  • Koopa Troopa: [sniffs at the onions] They stink?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yes. No!
  • Koopa Troopa: Or they make you cry?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No!
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, you leave them out of the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white haris.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [sighs, walking away]
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs at everything] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
  • Ian Lightfoot: I don't care what everyone likes. Lightfoots are not like cakes.
  • Koopa Troopa: You know what everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they stay, "Hey, no, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
  • Ian Lightfoot: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Lightfoots are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
  • Koopa Troopa: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing in the whole damn planet.
  • Ian Lightfoot: You know, I think preferred your humming.
  • Koopa Troopa: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
  • [the music begins "I'm On My Way" by The Proclaimers playing, going down the hill, by night, then a campfire, burning the foot, then they look at the Judy Hopps's keep, then they go by the rocks, then they go to the castle]
  • Koopa Troopa: Ohh! Ian Lightfoot! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Believe me, Koopa Troopa, if it was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
  • Koopa Troopa: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about the brimstone. I know what smell. It wason't no brimstone. It didin't come off no stone, either.
  • [they all look up Judy Hopps's keep]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [laughing]
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh, Ian Lightfoot? Remember what you said lightfoots have layers?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, aye.
  • Koopa Troopa: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Turtles don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Wait a second. Turtles don't have sleeves.
  • Koopa Troopa: You know what I mean.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
  • Koopa Troopa: No, I'm just unfomfortable on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Come on, Koopa. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.
  • Koopa Troopa: Really?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Really, really.
  • Koopa Troopa: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Just keep moving. And don't look down.
  • Kroopa Troopa: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on movving. Don't look down. [breaks a bridge wood] Ian Lightfoot! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now, please!
  • Ian Lightfoot: But you're already halfway.
  • Koopa Troopa: Yeah, but I know that half is safe!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. [shakes the bridge]
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian, no! Wait!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Just, Koopa... Come on. Let's have a dance then, shall we?
  • Koopa Troopa: Don't do that!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?
  • Koopa Troopa: Yes, that!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
  • Koopa Troopa: [screaming] No, Ian Lightfoot! No! Stop it!
  • Ian Lightfoot: You said di it! I'm doin' it.
  • Koopa Troopa: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Ian Lightfoot, I'm gonna die. Oh!
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