• [Dreamworks logo]
  • [first lines]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [reading] "Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of  a fearful sort.  whick could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle. guarded by a terrible fire-breathing rabbit. Many brave have attermpted to free her from this dreadful prison, but more prevailed . She watied in the rabbit's keep in the highnest room of the tailest tower. for her true love and true love's love kiss "[tears a book page. laughing]  Like that's ever gonna happen. [sits on a toliet] What a load of..,
  • [the music begins"All-Star" by Smashmouth playing, with Ian Lightfoot walking out of his room, closing the door, then the title card appears, with characters of cast, then cut to the Axem Rangers walking room, with Ian Lightfoot blowing fire at the fireplace, with the Axem Rangers lightning their torches, with Ian Ligthfoot looking at the Axem Rangers, then the Axem Rangers walk down, with Ian Lightfoot walking up to the Axem Rangers]
  • Red Axem Ranger: Think it's in there?
  • Pink Axem Ranger: All right, let's get it!
  • Green Axem Ranger: Whoa! Hold on, Do you know what that thing could do to you?
  • Black Axem Ranger: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant, Now, lightfoots, they're much worse, They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
  • Yellow Axem Ranger: No!
  • Ian Lightfoot: They'll shave your liver, Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Acutally, it's quite good on toast.
  • Red Axem Ranger: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
  • [Ian Lightfoot lights the torch, extinguishing like a match]
  • Red Axem Ranger: Right.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [roars at the Axem Rangers, then they all scream, then he waits until the Axem Rangers stopped screaming, then whispering] This in the part where you run away.
  • {the Axem Rangers scarper off]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [laughing] And stay out! [picks up a paper, saying, "WANTED FAIRYTALE CREATURES REWARD"]"Wanted, Fairy tale creatures." [throws a paper, walking away]
  • [cut to the fairy tale creatures]
  • Guard 1: All right, this one's full. Take him away!
  • Guard 2: Move it along. Come on! Get up!
  • Captain Smek: Next!
  • Tank Evans: Give me that! [breaks the broom in half] Your flying days are over.
  • Captain Smek: That's 20 pieces of sliver for the witch. Next!
  • Guard 3: Get up!
  • Man: 20 pieces.
  • Guard 4: Come on!
  • Guard 5: Sit down there! Keep quiet!
  • Fievel Mousekewtiz: [crying in a cage] This cage is to small.
  • Koopa Troopa: Please don't turn me in. I'II never be stubbom again. I can change! Please! Give me another chance!
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: [to Koopa Troopa] Oh, shut up.
  • Captain Smek: Next. What have we got?
  • Sergeant Monty: This little wooden puppet.
  • Valiant: I'm not a puppet. I'm a pigeon. [paints a picture while growing his nose]
  • Captain Smek: Five shillings for the possesssed pigeon. Take him away.
  • Valiant: [goes in a bubble, flying away] Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
  • Captain Smek: Next! What have we got?
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: [clip with Wreck-It Ralph] Well, I've got a talking turtle.
  • Captain Smek: Right. Well, that's good for 10 shillings, if you can prove it.
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: Oh, go ahead, little fella.
  • Captain Smek: Well?
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: [clip with Wreck-it Ralph] Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. you boneheaded dolt...
  • Captain Smek: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: No, no! He talks! I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
  • Captain Smek: [to Vanellope Von Schweetz, annoyed] Get her out of my sight.
  • Vanellope Von Schweetz: [clip from Wreck-It Ralph] No, no! I swear! He can talk!
  • [the cage lands on Koopa Troopa, flying up]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, I can fly!
  • Luigi: He can fly!
  • All: He can fly!
  • Captain Smek: He can talk!
  • Koopa Troopa: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying talking turtle. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but i bet you ain't never seen a turtle fly. [laughs, then starts to fall on the ground] Uh-oh. [falls to the ground]
  • Captain Smek: [to Koopa Troopa] Seize him!
  • [Koopa Troopa runs away from the guards]
  • Guard 6: After him! Hs's getting away!
  • [Koopa Troopa continues running away, hitting Ian Lightfoot]
  • Guard 7: Get him! This way! Turn!
  • Captain Smek: You there! Lightfoot!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Captain Smek] Aye?
  • Captain Smek: By the order of Bowser, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Captain Smek] Oh, really? You and what army?
  • [Captain Smek looks at the shield and spear laying down, running away]
  • Koopa Troopa: [to Ian Lightfoot] Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Are you talking to... me? Whoa!
  • Koopa Troopa: Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought that they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babies in the woods. That really made me feel good to show that.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, that's great. Really.
  • Koopa Troopa: Man, it's good to be free.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends, hmm?
  • Koopa Troopa: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! l'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit that anybody crosses us.
  • [Ian Lightfoot roars at Koopa Troopa]
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job well done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...
  • [Ian Lightfoot covers Koopa Troopa's mouth, mumbling]
  • Koopa Troopa: Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt all day.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] Why are you following me?
  • Koopa Troopa: I'll tell you why. [singing] Cause I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me, my problems have all gone, there's no one to deride me. But you gotta have friends!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] Stop singing! [picks Koops Troopa up] It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
  • Koopa Troopa: Wow. Only a true would be that cruelly honest.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Listen, little turtle. Take a look at me. What  am i?
  • Koopa Troopa: [looks at Ian Lightfoot] Uh, really tail?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No! I'm a lightfoot. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks. "Doesn't that bother you?
  • Koopa Troopa: Nope.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Really.
  • Koopa Troopa: Really, really.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh.
  • Koopa Troopa: Man, I like you. What's your name?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Um, Ian Lightfoot.
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot? Well, you know what. I like about you, Ian Lightfoot? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Ian Lightfoot. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to like in a place like that?
  • Ian Lightfoot: That would be my home.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh! And it's just lovely! Just beautiful. You are a quite decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at a rock] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't etertain much, do you?
  • Ian Lightfoot: I like my privacy.
  • Koopa Troopa: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence, you know. Can I stay with you?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Uh, what?
  • Koopa Troopa: [to Ian Lightfoot} Can I stay with you? Please?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Of course!
  • Koopa Troopa: Really?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No.
  • Koopa Troopa: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Okay! Okay! But one night only.
  • Koopa Troopa: [sits down, getting up] Ah! Thank you!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What are you... No! No!
  • Koopa Troopa: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm making waffles.
  • [Ian Lightfoot growls]
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh, where do I sleep?
  • Ian Lightfoot: OUTSIDE!
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you and me, so I guess outside is best, you know. [sniffling] Here I go. Good night. [sleeps down] mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a turtle. I was born outside. I'II just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you knwo. By myself, outside. [continues singing]I'm all alone, there's no one here beside me.
  • [cut to the fireplace, bubbling, Ian Lightfoot poking out of his ear, lighting a candle, then starting to eat, them Koopa Troopa sleeps]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa} I thought I told you to stay outside.
  • Koopa Troopa: I am outside.
  • [Ian Lightfoot looks around to see Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and Rabbit]
  • Winnie the Pooh: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the home, but what choice do we have?
  • Tigger: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.
  • Winnie the Pooh: [squishes on a slug] What a lovely bed.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Gotcha!
  • Rabbit: I found some cheese. [eats Ian Lightfoot's ear] Blah! Awful stuff.
  • Winnie the Pooh: Is that you, Rabbit?
  • Rabbit: How did you know?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Enough! [grabs Rabbit] What are you doing in my house?
  • [Lightning McQueen, Mater and Chick Hicks push Laurel Lightfoot on the table]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Hey!
  • [the cars snicker at Ian Lightfoot]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
  • Chick Hicks: Where are supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
  • [Ian Lightfoot looks at Cody Maverick]
  • Cody Maverick: What?
  • Ian Lightfoot: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying lightfoot! What do I have to do to get a little privacy? [throws Cody Maverick outside] Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No!
  • [the witches pass by Ian Lightfoot, laying down on the ground, flying away]
  • Ian Lightfoot: What?
  • Arnold: Quit it.
  • Kate: Don't push.
  • [Chicken Joe plays a flute to the mice, then cut to the Mousekewtiz family]
  • Ian Lightfoot: What are you doing in my swamp?! [his voice echoes] Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
  • [the dwarf drops a bowl, then they all gasp]
  • Tiago, Bia and Carla: Oh, dear!
  • Mater: Whoa!
  • Ian Lightfoot: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
  • Chick Hicks: Quickly. Come on!
  • Ian Lightfoot: No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. [tries to open the door]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, Look at me. I didn't invite them.
  • Valiant: Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
  • Ian Lightfoot: What?
  • Valiant: We were forced to come here.
  • Ian Lightfoot: By who?
  • Anais Watterson: Bowser. [from The Amazing World of Gumball clip] He huuffed und he puffed und he signed an eviction notice.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [sighs] All right. Who knows where this Koopaling guy is?
  • [they all murmur]
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, I do. I know where he is.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
  • Koopa Troopa: Me! Me!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Anyone!
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me! Me!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officialy worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Koopaling right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
  • [they all cheer, putting around Ian Lightfoot]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] You! You're comin' with me.
  • Koopa Troopa: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Ian Lightfoot and Koopa Troopa, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big city adventure. I love it! [singing] On the road again! [spoken] Sing it with me, Ian Lightfoot.
  • [Ian Lightfoot snakes the torch, throwing the Dwarf away]
  • Koopa Troopa: [continues singing] I can't wait to get on the road again!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What did I say about singing?
  • Koopa Troopa: Can I whistle?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No.
  • Koopa Troopa: Can I hum it?
  • Ian Lightfoot: All, right, hum it.
  • [Koopa Troopa hums "On the Road Again", then cut to the kitchen, with Bowser. walking in, with Von Talon pouring milk in, then Bowser. continues walking, then guards salute their spears, then Bowser. goes inside the kitchen]
  • Bowser: That's enough. He's ready to talk.
  • [Pac-Man coughs from a milk]
  • Bowser: [laughing, then clears thorwing, playing with Pac-Man's legs] run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!
  • Pac-Man: You're a monster.
  • Bowser: I'm not the monster here. [thorws Pac-Man's leg] You are. You and the rest of the fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others
  • Pac-Man: Eat me! [spits at Bowser]
  • Bowser: I've tried to be fair to you, creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'III...
  • Pac-Man: No, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
  • Bowser: All right then. Who's hiding them?!
  • Pac-Man: [clip from Pac-Man World] Okay, I'II tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
  • Bowser: The muffin man?
  • Pac-Man: The muffin man.
  • Bowser: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives in Drury Lane?
  • Pac-Man: Well, she's married to the muffin man.
  • Bowser: The muffin man?
  • Pac-Man: THE MUFFIN MAN!
  • Bowser: She's married to the muffin man.
  • Captain Smek: My lord! We found it.
  • Bowser: Then what are you watiting for? Bring it in.
  • [Captain Smek brings CGI Clown in, then they all gasp, with the clip of Pac-Man in Pac-Man World]
  • Bowser: Nick Wilde.
  • Pac-Man: DON'T TELL HIM ANYTHING! [clip from Pac-Man World] No!
  • Bowser: Evening. Clown, clown, on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of all?
  • CGI Clown: [the CGI pink ball bounces to CGI clown] Well, techinically, you're not a king.
  • Bowser: Uh, Von Talon.
  • [Von Talon ounches the mirror]
  • Bowser: You were saying?
  • CGI Clown: What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.
  • Bowser: Go on.
  • CGI Clown: [telling Bowser about his bachelorettes] So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's elgible bachelorettes. And here they are!
  • [shows images of Judy Hopps]
  • CGI Clown: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Judy Hopps.
  • [changes to images to Laurel Lightfoot]
  • CGI Clown: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live she is. Come on. Give it up for Laurel Lightfoot!
  • [changes to Disgust]
  • CGI Clown: And last, but certainly not the least, bachelorette number three is a firey redhead, from a rabbit-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuring, Disgust! So will it be, bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?
  • Guards: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!
  • Bowser: Three? One? [shuddering] Three?
  • Von Talon: Three! Pick number three, my lord!
  • Bowser: Okay, okay, uh, number three!
  • CGI Clown: Bowser, you've chosen Disgust.
  • [the music begins Escape by Rupert Holmes playing]
  • Bowser: Disgust. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...
  • CGI Clown: But I probably ahould mention the little thing that happens at night.
  • Bowser: I'II do it.
  • CGI Clown: Yes, but after sunset.
  • Bowser: Slience! I will make this Disgust my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain Smek, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.
  • [cut back to Ian Lightfoot and Koopa Troopa, going to Duloc]
  • Koopa Troopa: But that's it. That's right here. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.
  • Ian Lightfoot: So, that must be Bowser's castle.
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh-huh. That's the place.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? [laughing]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, wait. Wait up, Ian Lightfoot.
  • Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Duloc Mascot] Hey, you!
  • [Duloc Mascot screams, running away]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat ya. I just... I just... [sighs]
  • [Duloc Mascot continues running away, then they walk down, then Duloc Mascot hits the wall, falling to the ground, with Ian Lightfoot and Koopa Troopa looking at the Duloc Mascot, then Ian Lightfoot goes in the turnstlie, entering Duloc, then Koopa Troopa flips around the turnstlie, entering Duloc, then Ian Lightfoot sights, then they enter Duloc, looking around]
  • Ian Lightfoot: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, look at this! [goes up the information booth, pulling a leaver, then, after some clicking, many mechanized marionettes pop and and they begin singing]
  • Clockwork Chrous: Welcome to Duloc, it's a perfect town! Here we have some rules, let us lay then down! Don't make waves, stay in line, and we'll get along fine! Duloc is a perfect place! Please keep off of the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your face! Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place!
  • [the booth takes Koopa Troopa and Ian Lightfoot's photo, saying, "WELCOME TO DULOC", showing them stunned]
  • Koopa Troopa: Wow! Let's do that again!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [grabs Koopa Troopa] No. No. No, no, no! No.
  • [they hear a fanfare]
  • Bowser: Brave knights. You are the best in brightest in all the land.
  • [they both go to the tournament]
  • Bowser: Today, one of you shall prove himself...
  • Ian Lightfoot: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
  • Koopa Troopa: Sorry about that.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Bowser: That champion shall have the honor, no, no, the privilege, go forth and rescue the lovely Disgust, from the firey keep of Judy Hopps. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place, and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's s sacrifice I am willing to make.
  • [they all cheer]
  • Bowser: Let the tournament begin!
  • [Ian Lightfoot walks backwards]
  • Bowser: What is that?
  • [Ian Lightfoot gasps]
  • Bowser: It's hideous!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a turtle.
  • Koopa Troopa: Huh?
  • Bowser: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the lightfoot will be named champion! Have at him!
  • Knight 1: Get him!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
  • Woman: Go ahead! Get him!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [takes a cup] Can't we just settle this over a pint?
  • Knight 2: Kill the beast!
  • Ian Lightfoot: No? All right, then. Come on! [breaks the barrel, spilling some on the knights, with the music of 'Bad Reputation" by Halfcocked playing]
  • [Koopa Troopa rolls on the barrel, knocking some knights]
  • Knight 3: Damn!
  • [Ian Lightfoot flights with the guards]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, Ian Lightfoot, tag me! Tag me!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [flights with a guard] Ah! [laughing, then he continues flighting the guards] Yeah! [flights with another guard]
  • Wrestling Fan: The chair! Give him the chair!
  • [Ian Lightfoot continues flighting, with the people cheering, then Ian Lightfoot throws the guard around, then Koopa Troopa rings the bell]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [laughing] Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! [laughs]
  • [they all aim]
  • Guard 8: [to Bowser] Shall I give the order, sir?
  • Bowser: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What?
  • Bowser: Congratulations, lightfoot. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Quest? I'm already on a quest, a quest to give my swamp back.
  • Bowser: Your swamp?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!
  • [they all murmur]
  • Bowser: Indeed. All right, lightfoot, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Bowser] Exactly the way it was?
  • Bowser: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
  • Ian Lightfoot: And the squatters?
  • Bowser: As good as gone.
  • Ian Lightfoot: What kind of quest?
  • [cut to the field]
  • Koopa Troopa: Let me get this stralight. You're gonna go flight Judy Hopps, and rescue a princess just so Bowser. will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that right?
  • Ian Lightfoot: You know what? Maybe there's a good reason turtles shouldn't talk.
  • Koopa Troopa: I don't get it, Ian Lightfoot. Why don't you just pull some of that lightfoot stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole lightfoot trip.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, I know that. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village, and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. [to Koopa Troopa] Does that sound good to you?
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh, no, not really no.
  • Ian Lightfoot: For your information, there's a lot more to lightfoots then people think?
  • Koopa Troopa: Example?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Example? Okay, um, lightfoots are like onions.
  • Koopa Troopa: [sniffs at the onions] They stink?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yes. No!
  • Koopa Troopa: Or they make you cry?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No!
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, you leave them out of the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white haris.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [sighs, walking away]
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs at everything] You know, not everybody likes onions. Cakes! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
  • Ian Lightfoot: I don't care what everyone likes. Lightfoots are not like cakes.
  • Koopa Troopa: You know what everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Hey, let's get some parfait," they stay, "Hey, no, I don't like parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
  • Ian Lightfoot: NO! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Lightfoots are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
  • Koopa Troopa: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing in the whole damn planet.
  • Ian Lightfoot: You know, I think preferred your humming.
  • Koopa Troopa: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
  • [the music begins "I'm On My Way" by The Proclaimers playing, going down the hill, by night, then a campfire, burning the foot, then they look at the Judy Hopps's keep, then they go by the rocks, then they go to the castle]
  • Koopa Troopa: Ohh! Ian Lightfoot! Did you do that? Man, you gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Believe me, Koopa Troopa, if it was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone. We must be getting close.
  • Koopa Troopa: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about the brimstone. I know what smell. It wason't no brimstone. It didin't come off no stone, either.
  • [they all look up Judy Hopps's keep]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. [laughing]
  • Koopa Troopa: Uh, Ian Lightfoot? Remember what you said lightfoots have layers?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, aye.
  • Koopa Troopa: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Turtles don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Wait a second. Turtles don't have sleeves.
  • Koopa Troopa: You know what I mean.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
  • Koopa Troopa: No, I'm just unfomfortable on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Come on, Koopa. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time.
  • Koopa Troopa: Really?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Really, really.
  • Koopa Troopa: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Just keep moving. And don't look down.
  • Kroopa Troopa: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on movving. Don't look down. [breaks a bridge wood] Ian Lightfoot! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off right now, please!
  • Ian Lightfoot: But you're already halfway.
  • Koopa Troopa: Yeah, but I know that half is safe!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. [shakes the bridge]
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian, no! Wait!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Just, Koopa... Come on. Let's have a dance then, shall we?
  • Koopa Troopa: Don't do that!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this?
  • Koopa Troopa: Yes, that!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
  • Koopa Troopa: [screaming] No, Ian Lightfoot! No! Stop it!
  • Ian Lightfoot: You said di it! I'm doin' it.
  • Koopa Troopa: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Ian Lightfoot, I'm gonna die. Oh!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [to Koopa Troopa] That'll, Koopa Troopa. That'll do.
  • Koopa Troopa: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Inside, watiting for us to rescue her.
  • [they both go inside]
  • Koopa Troopa: I was talkin' about Judy Hopps, Ian Lightfoot.
  • [cut to Judy Hopps's keep]
  • Koopa Troopa: You afraid?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No, but, shh.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, good. Me neither. [gasping, walking with Ian Lightfoot] 'Cause there's nothing wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. with Judy Hopps that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared, you know what I mean. I sure as heck ain't no coward. [putts his helmet on his head]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Koopa Troopa, two things, okay? Shut up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs?
  • Koopa Troopa: Stairs? I thought I was lookin' for the princess.
  • Ian Lightfoot: I read it in a book once.
  • Koopa Troopa: Cool. You handle Judy Hopps. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. [goes inside] I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish a had a step right here, right here. I'd step all over it.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [looks at a castle] Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...
  • Koopa Troopa: JUDY HOPPS! [runs away by Judy Hopps, blowing fire]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [looks at Koopa Troopa running away by Judy Hopps, blowing fire] Koopa Troopa, look out! [dodges by fire]
  • [Koopa Troopa turtles down, blowing fire at the tail]
  • Ian Lightfoot: [grabs his tail] Gotcha!
  • [Koopa Troopa runs away, then the tail snakes Ian Lightfoot around, flying in the castle, landing by Disgust, then Judy Hopps blows fire, breaking the ledges]
  • Koopa Troopa: No. Oh, no! No! [screaming, looking at Judy Hopps] Oh, what large teeth you have.
  • [Judy Hopps growls]
  • Koopa Troopa: I mean, white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach yourself, because that is one dazzling smile you got there. And do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're... You're a girl rabbit! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl rabbit. Cause you're just reeking of feminine beauty. What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye?
  • [Judy Hopps blows a heart-shaped smoke on Koopa Troopa]
  • Koopa Troopa: Ooh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but. you know, I'm, uh... [coughs at the smoke] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Ian Lightfoot!
  • [Judy Hopps picks up Koopa Troopa]
  • Koopa Troopa: No! Ian Lightfoot! Ian Lightfoot! Ian Lightfoot!
  • [cut to Cuphead, getting up, walking down to Disgust, shaking her]
  • Cuphead: Wake up!
  • Disgust: What?
  • Cuphead: Are you Disgust?
  • Disgust: I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
  • Cuphead: Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
  • Disgust: But wait, Sir Cuphead. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful romantic moment?
  • Cuphead: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
  • [they both go to the door]
  • Disgust: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet, out yonder window and down a rope onto your ian lightfoot steed.
  • Cuphead: [to Disgust] You're had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
  • Disgust: Mm-hmm.
  • [they both go downstairs]
  • Disgust: But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
  • Cuphead: I don't think so.
  • Disgust: Can I at least know the name of my champion?
  • Cuphead: Um, Cuphead.
  • Disgust: Sir Cuphead. [clears throat] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
  • Cuphead: [takes a handdlkerchef] Thanks!
  • [they both hear Judy Hopps roar]
  • Disgust: You didn't slay Judy Hopps?
  • Cuphead: It's on my to-do list. Now come on! [grabs Disgust]
  • Disgust: But this isn't right! You were meant to change in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.
  • [they both pass by a skeleton]
  • Cuphead: Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
  • Disgust: That's not the point. Oh! Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there.
  • Cuphead: Well, I have to save my ass.
  • Disgust: What kind of cup are you?
  • Cuphead: One of a kind. [goes inside]
  • Koopa Troopa: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned, you know. [laughing] I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this... Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude... Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
  • [Judy Hopps blows fire]
  • Koopa Troopa: Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first as friends or maybe his pen pals. "Cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards, and... I'd really love to stay, but... Hey, hey, hey! Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give

permission to... Wait. What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! no, no! No. No, no, no! No! Oh!

  • [Judy Hopps kisses Judy Hopps, trapping her, then they run upstairs, blowing fire at them, then he grabs Disgust]
  • Koopa Troopa: Hi, Princess!
  • Disgust: It talks!
  • Cuphead: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
  • Koopa Troopa: Cuphead!
  • [they all slide down, with Cuphead bumping on the pole, then they continue running away by Judy Hopps, then they look at Judy Hopps, jumping over the chain]
  • Cuphead: Okay, you two, head for the exit! [grabs a sword] I'll take care of Judy Hopps. [puts a sword in the chain] Run!
  • [they all continue running away, putting fire on the bridge, then they fail down, then Cuphead saves Koopa Troopa, looking at Judy Hopps, breaking the sword, then Disgust screams, then Judy Hopps stops flying, then they all look at Judy Hopps, then they climp up]
  • Disgust: [clip from in Inside Out] You did it! You rescued me! You're... You're wonderful. You're a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am etermally in your debt.
  • [Koopa Troopa clears his throat]
  • Disgust: And where would be a brave cup without his noble steed?
  • Koopa Troopa: All right, I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a noble steed.
  • Disgust: [laughing] The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Cuphead.
  • Cuphead: Uh, no.
  • Disgust: Why not?
  • Cuphead: I have helmet hair.
  • Disgust: Please, I would'st look upon the face upon my rescuer.
  • Cuphead: No, no, you wouldn't, 'st.
  • Disgust: But how will you kiss me?
  • Cuphead: What? That job wasn't in the job description.
  • Koopa Troopa: Maybe it's a perk.
  • Disgust: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by Judy Hopps, is rescued by a brave cup, and then they share true love's first kiss.
  • Koopa Troopa: Hmm? With Ian Lightfoot? You think Ian Lightfoot is your true love?
  • Disgust: Well, yes.
  • [they both laugh]
  • Koopa Troopa: You think Ian Lightfoot is your true love!
  • Disgust: What is so funny?
  • Cuphead: Let's just stay I'm not your type, okay?
  • Disgust: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now... Now remove your helmet.
  • Cuphead: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.
  • Disgust: [to Cuphead] Just take off the helmet.
  • Cuphead: I'm not going to.
  • Disgust: Take it off.
  • Cuphead: No!
  • Disgust: NOW!
  • Cuphead: Okay! Easy. As you command, Your Highness. [takes his disguise off, revealing Ian Lightfoot]
  • Disgust: You... You're a... a lightfoot.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, you were expecting Phineas T. Ratchet.
  • Disgust: Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be a lightfoot.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Bowser, okay? He's the one who wants to marry you.
  • Disgust: Well, then why didin't he come to rescue me?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
  • Disgust: But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some lightfoot and his... his pet.
  • Koopa Troopa: So much for noble steed.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Look, Princess. You're not making my job any easier.
  • Disgust: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Bowser. that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right there.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.
  • Disgust: You wouldn't dare.
  • [Ian Lightfoot grabs Disgust]
  • Disgust: Put me down!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ya cominn', Koopa Troopa?
  • Koopa Troopa: I'm right behind ya.
  • Disgust: Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! [screaming]
  • [cut to the forest]
  • Koopa Troopa: Okay, So here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way, How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?
  • Disgust: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what happens when you rind your... Hey! [sighs] The sooner we get to Duloc the better.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, yeah. You're gonna love it there, Princess? It's beautiful!
  • Disgust: And what of my groom-to-be? Bowser? What's he like?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Well, Let me put this way, Princess. Men of Bowser's statue are in short supply. [laughing]
  • Koopa Troopa: I don't know, Ian Lightfoot. There are those who think little of him.
  • [they both laugh]
  • Disgust: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You know, you're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Bowser.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
  • Disgust: Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn;t we stop to make camp?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
  • Disgust: But there's robbers in the woods.
  • Koopa Troopa: Whoa! Time out, Ian Lightfoot! Camping's starting to sound good.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Hey, come on. I'm scarier then anything we're going to see in this forest.
  • Disgust: I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!
  • Ian Lightfoot: [pushes a rock] Hey! Over here.
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess.
  • Disgust: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Homey touches? Like what?
  • Disgust: [grabs a wood] A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
  • Koopa Troopa: You want me to read a bedtime story? I will.
  • Disgust: [offscreen] I said good night!
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot, what are you doing?
  • Ian Lightfoot: I just... You know... Oh, come on, I was just kidding.
  • [cut to night]
  • Ian Lightfoot: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only lightfoot to ever spit over three wheat fields.
  • Koopa Troopa: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
  • Ian Lightfoot: The stars don't tell the future, Koopa Troopa. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatuent. You can guess what he's famous for.
  • Koopa Troopa: I know you're making this up.
  • Ian Lightfoot: No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
  • Koopa Troopa: Man, that ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.
  • Koopa Troopa: [sighs] Hey, Ian Lightfoot, what we gonna do when we get our swamp snyway?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Our swamp?
  • Koopa Troopa: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.
  • Ian Lightfoot: We? Koopa Troopa, there is no "we." There is no "our." There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
  • Koopa Troopa: Ypu cut me deep, Ian Lightfoot. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whple wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out.
  • Ian Lightfoot: No, do ya think?
  • Koopa Troopa: Are you hidin' something?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Never mind, Koops Troopa.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
  • Ian Lightfoot: No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it-alone things.
  • Koopa Troopa: Why don't you want to talk about it?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Why do you want to talk sbout it?
  • Koopa Troopa: Why are you blocking?
  • Ian Lightfoot: I'm not blocking.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, yes. you are.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Koopa Troopa, I'm warning you.
  • Koopa Troopa: Who you trying to keep out? Just tell me about, Ian Lightfoot.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Everyone! Okay?
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, for the love of Pete!
  • Koopa Troopa: What's your problem? What you got against the whole world?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go, "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly lightfoot!" [sighs] They judge before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
  • [Piper Pinwheeler looks at Ian Lightfoot and Koopa Troopa]
  • Koopa Troopa: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly lightfoot.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yeah, I know.
  • Koopa Troopa: So, uh, are there any turtles up there?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
  • Koopa Troopa: Okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right here. That one there?
  • Ian Lightfoot: That's the moon.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, okay.
  • [camera pans into the house]
  • Bowser: [to Nick Wilde] Again. Show me again. [rewinds the remote] Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.
  • [Nick Wilde reveals Disgust]
  • Bowser: Ah. Perfect.
  • [cut to Disgust, looking at Ian Lightfoot and Koopa Troopa sleeping, then singing with a Tweety Bird, vocalizing to the Tweety Bird, then vocalizing louder, then the Tweety Bird explodes, looking at the feet with smoke, then cut to the nest, transitioning into egg yolks]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Mmm, yeah, you know, I like it like that.
  • Koopa Troopa: Come on, baby. I said I like it.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Koopa Troopa, wake up.
  • Koopa Troopa: Huh? What?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Wake up.
  • Koopa Troopa: What? [gets up]
  • Disgust: Good morning. How do you like your eggs?
  • Koopa Troopa: Good morning, Princess!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What's this all about?
  • Disgust: We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. After all, you did rescue me.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Uh, thanks.
  • [Koopa Troopa sniffs]
  • Disgust: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.
  • [Ian Lightfoot belches, then they go to the forest]
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [laughing]
  • Koopa Troopa: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
  • [Ian Lightfoot belches]
  • Disgust: Thanks.
  • Koopa Troopa: She's as nasty as you are.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [laughs] You know, you're not exactly what I expected.
  • Disgust: Maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. [vocalizing]
  • Hopper: La librete! [grabs Disgust] Hey!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Princess!
  • [Koopa Troopa laughs]
  • Disgust: What are you doing?
  • Hopper: Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuring you from this green... [kisses on Disgust] ...beast.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Hey! That's my princess! Go find your own!
  • Hopper: Please, monsters! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
  • Disgust: Look, pal, I don't know who you thibk you are!
  • Hopper: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Pixar Villains! [laughs]
  • Pixar Villains: Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo!
  • Hopper: I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
  • Bruce: He takes a wee percentage.
  • Hopper: But I'm not pretty. I rescue pretty damsels. Man, I'm good!
  • Pixar Villains: What a guy, Hopper!
  • Hopper: Break it down.
  • [they all dance]
  • Hopper: I like an honest flight and a saucy little maid.
  • Pixar Villains: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...
  • Hopper: Paid.
  • Pixar Villains: So.
  • Hopper: When a lightfoot in a bush grabs a lady by the tush, that's bad.
  • Pixar Villains: That's bad.
  • Hopper: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad.
  • Pixar Villains: He's mad. He's really, really mad.
  • Hopper: I'll take my blade and ram it through the heart. Keep your eyes on me, boys, 'cause I'm about to start!
  • [Disgust kicks Hopper, then the Pixar Villains gasp]
  • Disgust: Man, that was annoying!
  • Randall Boggs: Oh, you little... [shoots an arrow, flying to the tree]
  • Disgust: [hits Bruce, spinning around, htting Chef Shinner, jumping up, kicing Thunderclap and Charles Muntz, walking around the tree, hitting the accordion, then kicking Syndrome, then the Pixar Villains groan] Um, shall we?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Hold the phone. [drops Koopa Troopa] Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
  • Disgust: What?
  • Ian Lightfoot: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
  • Disgust: Well... [chuckles] When one livea alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a... [points to Ian Lightfoot's butt] There's an arrow in your butt!
  • Ian Lightfoot: What? Oh, would you look at that?
  • Disgust: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.
  • Koopa Troopa: [to Disgust] Why? What's wrong?
  • Disgust: Ian Lightfoot's hurt.
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot's hurt. Ian Lightfoot's hurt? Oh, no. Ian Lightfoot's gonna die.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Koopa Troopa, I'm okay.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, you can't do this to me. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?
  • Disgust: Koopa Troopa! Calm down. If you want to help Ian Lightfoot, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
  • Koopa Troopa: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay. I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns, Don't die, Ian Lightfoot. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
  • Both: Koopa Troopa!
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.
  • Ian Lightfoot: What are the flowers for?
  • Disgust: For getting rid of Koopa Troopa.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ah.
  • Disgust: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
  • Disgust: I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
  • Ian Lightfoot: No, it's tender. Now, hold on. What you're doing is the oppostie of help.
  • Disgust: Don't move. [tries to get the arrow out of his butt]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Look, time out.
  • Disgust: Would you... [contiues trying to get the arrow out] Okay. What do you propose to do?
  • Koopa Troopa: [continues looking around] Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ow!
  • Koopa Troopa: Hold on, Ian Lightfoot! I'm comin'!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ow! Not good.
  • Disgust: Okay. Okay, I can nearly see the head.
  • [Ian Lightfoot grunts]
  • Disgust: It's just about...
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ow! Ohh!
  • [Koopa Troopa clears throat]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Nothing happened. We were just, uh...
  • Koopa Troopa: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was as, okay.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind! The princess here was just...
  • [Disgust takes an arrow out of his but]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ugh!
  • [Disgust holds shakes his arrow]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ow!
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, what's that? [nervous chuckie] That's... Is that blood? [lays down]
  • [the music begins "My Beloved Monster" by Eels playing, then Ian Lightfoot picks up Koopa Troopa, then Disgust walks on a tree, then catapulting Koopa Troopa, falling down, then they walk down to a tree, grabbing the web, putting the flies around, making it into cotton candy, then Ian Lightfoot grabs the frog, blowing a balloon, then Disgust grabs a snake, blowing up a balloon, then they walk down with balloons, with Koopa Troopa walking up, then the baloons fly away, then they arrive at Duloc]
  • Ian Lightfoot: There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
  • Disgust: That's Duloc?
  • Koopa Troopa: Yeah, I know. You know, Ian Lightfoot thinks Bowser's compensationg for something, which I think means he has a really... [lays down] Ow!
  • Ian Lightfoot: Um, I, uh, I guess we better move one.
  • Disgust: Sure. But, Ian Lightfoot? I'm worried about Koopa Troopa.
  • [Koopa Troopa gets up, blubbering]
  • Ian Lightfoot: What?
  • Disgust: I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good.
  • Koopa Troopa: What are you talking about? I'm fine.
  • Disgust: That's what they always say, and the next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.
  • Koopa Troopa: I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look. [turns his head] Ow! See?
  • Disgust: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
  • Ian Lightfoot: I'll get the firewood.
  • Koopa Troopa: Hey, where are you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.
  • [cut Ian Lightfoot and Disgust, making weedrats]
  • Disgust: Mmm. Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.
  • Disgust: No kidding.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Well, ths is delicious. Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weedrat stew. [chuckling]
  • Koopa Troopa: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [swallows a weedrat] Maybe you can visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare, you name it.
  • Disgust: [chuckles] I'd like that.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [swallows a weedrat, then laughing] Um, Princess?
  • Disgust: Yes, Ian Lightfoot?
  • Ian Lightfoot: I, um, I was wondering. Are you...
  • Koopa Troopa: You belong to me.
  • Ian Lightfoot: [sighs] Are you gonna eat that?
  • [Disgust chuckles]
  • Koopa Troopa: Man, isn't that romantic? Just look at that sunset.
  • Disgust: Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. it's very late.
  • Ian Lightfoot: What?
  • Koopa Troopa: Wait a minute. I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
  • Disgust: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.
  • Koopa Troopa: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, untill... Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
  • [Ian Lightfoot sighs]
  • Disgust: Good night.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Good night.
  • [Disgust goes inside the house]
  • Koopa Troopa: Ohh! Now I really see what's going on here.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, what are you talkin' about?
  • Koopa Troopa: I don't want to even hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. I know two were diggin' in each other. I could feel it.
  • Ian Lightfoot: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Bowser.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, come on, Ian Lightfoot. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
  • Ian Lightfoot: I... There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know, and I'm not sayin' I do'cause I don't... she's a princess, and I'm...
  • Koopa Troopa: A lightfoot?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yeah. A lightfoot.
  • Koopa Troopa: [to Ian Lightfoot] Hey, where are you goin'?
  • Ian Lightfoot: To get more firewood. [sighs, then sitting down]
  • Koopa Troopa: [looks around] Piper Pinwheeler? Piper Pinwheeler? Piper Pinwheeler, where are you? [looks at the bats]
  • [Piper Pinwheeler climbs up]
  • Koopa Troopa: Piper Pinwheeler? [continues looking around] It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
  • [Piper Pinwheeler falls down, then Koopa Troopa screams]
  • Piper Pinwheeler: Oh, no!
  • Koopa Troopa: No, help!
  • Piper Pinwheeler: Shh!
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot! Ian Lightfoot! Ian Lightfoot!
  • Piper Pinwheeler: No, it's okay. it's okay.
  • Koopa Troopa: What did you do with the princess?
  • Piper Pinwheeler: Koopa Troopa, I'm the princess.
  • [Koopa Troopa screams]
  • Piper Pinwheeler: It's me, in this body.
  • Koopa Troopa: Oh, my God! You ate the princess! Can you hear me?
  • Piper Pinwheeler: Koopa Troopa!
  • Koopa Troopa: Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!
  • Piper Pinwheeler: No!
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot! Ian Lightfoot! Ian Lightfoot!
  • Piper Pinwheeler: Shh.
  • Koopa Troopa: Ian Lightfoot!
  • Piper Pinwheeler: This is me.
  • Koopa Troopa: [muffled mumbling] Piper Pinwheeler? What happened to you? You're uh, uh, uh, different.
  • Piper Pinwheeler: I'm ugly, okay?
  • Koopa Troopa: Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Ian Lightfoot those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now...
  • Piper Pinwheeler: No. I... I've been this was as long as I can remember.
  • Koopa Troopa: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.
  • Piper Pinwheeler: It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form."
  • Koopa Troopa: Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
  • Piper Pinwheeler: It's a spell. [sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Bowser. tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me, like this. [sobs]
  • Koopa Troopa: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Ian Lightfoot's ugly 24-7.
  • Piper Pinwheeler: But, Koopa Troopa, I'm a princess, and this is not a princess is meant to look.
  • Koopa Troopa: Piper Pinwheeler, how 'bout if you don't marry Bowser.?
  • Piper Pinwheeler: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.
  • Koopa Troopa: But, you know, um. you're kind of a robot, and Ian Lightfoot, well, you got a lot in common.
  • Piper Pinwheeler: Ian Lightfoot?
  • [cut to Ian Lightfoot outside]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Princess, I... Uh, how's going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and, well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd, uh, uh... [sighs] I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
  • Piper Pinwheeler: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Koopa Troopa. I mean, really, who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay her with Ian Lightfoot. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
  • [Koopa Troopa takes a deep sigh]
  • Piper Pinwheeler: Don't you see, Koopa Troopa? That's just now it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell.
  • Koopa Troopa: You at least gotta tell Ian Lightfoot the truth.
  • Piper Pinwheeler: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.
  • Koopa Troopa: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
  • Piper Pinwheeler: Promise you won't tell.
  • Koopa Troopa: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. [goes downstairs] I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a serioud therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.
  • [Ian Lightfoot goes inside]
  • Piper Pinwheeler: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. Ian Lightfoot! Ian Lightfoot, there's something I want... [looks around, transforming back into Disgust]
  • Disgust: Ian Lightfoot. Are you all right?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Perfect! Never been better.
  • Disgust: I... I don't... There's something I have to tell you.
  • Ian Lightfoot: You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I head enough last night.
  • Disgust: You know what I said?
  • Ian Lightfoot: Every word.
  • Disgust: I thought you'd understand.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
  • Disgust: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.
  • Ian Lightfoot: Yeah? Well, it does.
  • [Fiona gasps, then sighs]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Ah, right on time.
  • [Bowser. walks in]
  • Ian Lightfoot: Princess, I brought you a little something.
  • [the horses walk in with fanfare]
  • Koopa Troopa: What'd I miss? What'd I miss? [muffled] Who said that? Couldn't have been a turtle.
  • Bowser: Disgust.
  • Ian Lightfoot: I promised. Now hand it over.
  • Bowser: Very well, lightfoot. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, and agreed. Take it and go before I changed my mind. Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but startled me, for I have ever such a radiant beauty before. I am Bowser.
  • Disgust: Bowser.? Oh, no, no.
  • [Bowser. snaps his fingers]
  • Disgust: Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying, a short, farewell.
  • Bowser: That's so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the lightfoot. It's not like it has feelings.
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