Samantha's Old Salem Trip

Adam wants to say good night.

Mwah.

Sleep tight till morning bright.

I don't know, Adam.

What did he say? Don't you understand baby talk? Heh.

No.

I have enough trouble with grownup talk.

He wants to know when Mommy and Daddy are coming home.

In another week.

Which won't be too soon for me.

[WHINING.]

You all right? I think so.

Well, I'm sorry about that flock of geese we ran into.

I didn't see them.

Well, in the first place, it wouldn't hurt if you looked where you were flying.

And in the second place, we shouldn't have been flying in the first place.

Darrin, when you said you wanted to come home right now, I believed you.

I didn't mean I wanted to fly the proud witch with the golden nose.

The nerve of that crackpot Witches Council.

Ordering you not to be seen in public with me.

Well, I didn't like it any more than you did.

What are you doing home? Oh, hi, Esmeralda.

Hi, Esmeralda.

I thought the witches convention wasn't over till next week.

Did they cut it short? No.

I cut it short.

Are the, uh, children asleep? Oh.

I was just about to put them down.

Uh, Adam's still in Tabitha's room.

Thank you.

Oh, my.

She's put out, isn't she? Well, she got into a hassle with the Witches Council.

Well, I don't think that's so smart.

Nobody defies the Council.

Well, I'd better have a little talk with her.

I mean "fuel.

" Or do I? Oh, dear.

"To Samantha, from the Witches Council: "You are hereby ordered to return to Salem "within 60 seconds of receiving this Witch-O-Gram or suffer the consequences.

" Oh, dear.

I knew it.

I just knew it.

I've gotta give this to her right away.

But-- But what if she doesn't obey? Oh, well.

Well, she can't be that stubborn.

Who says she can't? Oh, dear.

I've already used up with myself.

Esmeralda, you've got to send her back to Salem whether she wants to go or not.

Oh, dear.

Maybe I can figure out a spell that will do the trick.

Let me see.

Boy, Sam, has he grown.

Did you bring me anything, Mommy? Oh, you mean besides Daddy? Yes.

But you'll have to wait till we unpack.

Well, I've got something for you.

Oh, yes.

Ah.

Souvenirs of Salem.

What have you got for me? You can have one of these, Daddy.

Mwah.

Where's Mrs.

Stephens? Gee, I don't know.

She was right there a second ago.

Oh, my goodness.

It worked.

It worked.

What are you talking about? First, will you promise not to get mad? Okay, okay.

I sent Mrs.

Stephens back to Salem.

You did what? You broke your promise.

Who art thou? I-I-I don't know.

Why dost thee wander the streets in thine undergarments? I-I-I don't seem to remember that either.

Come inside before thou art arrested.

Arrested? For what? Indecent exposure.

Esmeralda, I know you were only trying to help, but don't you think you should have consulted Mrs.

Stephens? There wasn't time.

The Council gave her 60 seconds to get back to Salem, and I knew there was no use arguing, so I just cast the spell.

It's the first one that's worked in years.

That's what's got me worried.

Endora believe it or not, I am genuinely glad to see you.

I wish I could say the same for you.

Where is Samantha? Oh, Endora, you don't have to worry about a thing.

I cast a spell and sent her back to Salem.

You did what? Oh.

That's exactly what he said.

You mean, she didn't show up in Salem? Well, if she had, would I have come after her? Oh, dear.

Esmeralda.

Wait, wait.

Wait.

Before you fade out what was the spell you used? Ohuh From hoot and holler Coot and fern Flies in the buttermilk Flies in the churn The Council orders you Not to fail them So back you go To good old Salem Aha.

Aha, what? Well, isn't it obvious? She sent her back to old Salem.

What--? What "old Salem" are you talking about? Seventeenth-century Salem, naturally.

Y-y-you don't mean the one between the 16th century and the 18th century? That's the one.

Don't fret, Esmeralda.

It's all his fault.

My fault? Oh, dear.

I hate violence.

I'll be in the nursery.

And I'm due back at the convention.

Uh, but what about Sam? You'll go back to old Salem and rescue her.

Me? Yes.

While I go back and smooth the ruffled feathers of the Council.

But I can't go back to old-- Well, it's either you or Esmeralda.

What time do I leave? Well, first First, you'll need a magic charm to restore Samantha's witchcraft.

You mean, she's without her witchcraft? That's right.

Terrific.

Old Salem is just the place for a witch without witchcraft.

She'll be all right as soon as you give her this.

It's a magic coin from the tomb of Hammurabi.

Samantha must place it on her forehead and bow three times to the east, without dropping the coin, and say the magic phrase: Ahmed talu varsi lupin.

W-wait a minute.

How is she gonna bow without dropping the coin? That's your problem.

That's impossible.

Well, if it was easy, anyone could do it.

Yeah, uh-- What was that magic phrase? You have the retentive powers of a dodo bird.

Ahmed talu varsi lupin.

What does that mean? "Good luck.

" In ancient Babylonian.

Next, you'll need some contemporary plumage.

Uh, there's one other thing.

Samantha has no memory of the present, so she won't know you, of course.

Uh, of course.

What? Well, how could she? You haven't been born yet.

You mean I'll be a perfect stranger to my wife? Well, stranger, yes.

But hardly perfect.

Oh, by the by, throw in a lot of "thees" and "thous.

" It was considered very chic in 1690.

Nowstand over there.

Days become seconds Seconds become night Into the past With the speed of light Ice turns hot Fire turns cold Send dum-dum back To Salem of old Uh, what are you being punished for? I spoke sharply to my husband.

That's all? These were the good old days.

Well.

Ha-ha-ha.

That's better, mistress.

Thou art most kind.

I've been thinking.

Perhaps we can employ this unfortunate girl as barmaid.

A pint of ale, if it please ye.

And if not, I'll have one anyway.

No need to shout, Master Luther.

Well, and what be thy name, wench? She hath lost her memory and hath forgotten her name.

I knoweth one thing.

It is not "wench" Well.

She's a spirited little bundle, ain't she? Uh, what's the news, Master Luther? Oh.

Uh, I heard tell, uh, Master Carson's wife be arrested and jailed.

What for? For being a witch.

But not yet tried.

She be as good as convicted.

Oh, that's terrible.

Shh-shh.

Guard thy speech.

Well partial to witches, is she? She said no such thing.

I-I just mean that everyone is entitled to a fair trial.

Even a wife.

Uh, mistress, uh, take these two tankards to the far table.

I'll help thee.

Thy words contain much sense.

I may have lost my memory, but I haven't lost my mind.

Ooh.

Sam.

It's me, Sam.

Is thy name Sam? No.

Look, I know you don't know who I am, b-but it won't hurt to talk.

It will if thee talketh with thine hands.

Uh, where can I get a pencil? Uh, where can thee get a what? Sorry.

Wrong century.

Greetings, Master Farley.

Greetings, sir.

Uh, greetings.

Greetings, friends.

Greetings.

Magistrate.

This man at the bar that you see there Uh, take this coin and do what I tell you.

Uh, why did you do that? Just because I am a barmaid doesn't mean thee can take liberties with me.

Sir, I'm going to ask thee to leave these premises.

But I haven't done anything.

I will be the judge of that.

Who are you? The judge.

I do not know where thou came from, for thy speech is strange.

But in this town, we do not permit lewd conduct.

Oh, I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding.

I-- Indeed, there has been.

But a day in the stocks will serve to clarify things for thee, master.

A day in the what? The stocks? Oh, now, listen, you gotta let me explain-- Take him away! What are you doing? Don't I get a hearing? I demand to see a lawyer.

Let go of me! Hi.

What are you mad about? I'm the one that had to stand out here all night.

I'm sorry.

I don't like to see people suffer.

How am I gonna get through to you? Sam, look at me.

Think.

Search your memory.

Don't you remember me? Of course.

You do? Yes.

Thou art the person who tried to get fresh with me yesterday.

Here.

Take back thy coin.

Hey, wait.

What is it? I could use some of that water.

Oh.

Very well.

Hast thou had enough? Oh.

Plague on it.

I've broken my quill.

Oh.

And we've no other.

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, umhere.

Use this.

What manner of a device is this? As I recall it is a ballpoint quill.

Ballpoint quill? It needeth no ink.

That cannot be.

Try it.

It is truly amazing.

May I see that, Master Farley? It is a product of witchcraft, surely.

Saints preserve us.

Did I not tell thee she was a witch? Seize her! Why dost thou accuse me of witchery, when it was the stranger who gave me this curious quill? The stranger be accused as well.

Aye.

Aye.

How can you eat this stuff? You must dip the bread in the honey.

I did.

The only thing worse than old bread is sticky old bread.

We've gotta get out of this place.

How? With this coin.

How can a coin help? It's a magic coin.

Then thou art a witch.

It is the devil's coin.

That's no way to talk about your mother.

Fetch the prisoners and bring them to the witch house.

They're coming.

Uh, we've gotta get out of here.

Uh, catch.

Well, master.

It is time.

Both must wear shackles.

Uh, hold on a minute.

I just wanna get the coin I dropped.

Believe me, where thou art doomed to go thou will have little need for money.

You've gotta listen to me.

These nuts burn witches.

Thou art wrong.

We hang them.

Oh.

That's comforting.

Admit to witchcraft, or it'll go hard with ye.

Ye will be hanged for refusing to confess.

And if we do confess? Then you'll be hanged for being witches.

Are you getting the picture? Custer had a better chance than we do.

Who's Custer? Forget it.

And then she draws that strange quill from her pocket and hands it to Master Farley.

At once I knew it to be an instrument of the devil.

How so? It had an unholy glow about it.

That is absolute nonsense.

The court will decide what is nonsense and what is not.

A simple "sit down" will do.

And then she says, says she: "Everybody's entitled to a fair trial.

Even a witch.

" I said, "Even a wife.

" If it pleaseth the court I wish to confess.

Come forward, master.

Thou art dismissed.

Thou art ready to state that thou art a witch? Uh, not me.

Her.

The poor child.

I warned thee not to trust him.

Thou wast right.

He is a rat in wolf's clothing.

With this coin I will demonstrate that she is a sorceress.

Do as he asks.

Face the east.

Do not heed him.

He is allied with the devil.

There is something in his manner that touches my memory.

And I must obey.

Take this coin, place it on your forehead and bow three times.

But the coin will fall off.

No, it won't.

It's covered with honey.

Bow three times and say: Uh, ahmed talu, varsi, lupin.

What does that mean? "Good luck.

" And we could sure use some.

Ahmed talu varsi lupin.

Darrin! Sam! Let's get out of here.

Not yet.

It is true.

I am a witch.

But I am going to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that none of the others-- none of those accused --actually were witches.

And what is the basis for this absurd contention? Do you think that mere iron shackles could contain me? Now, how can mortals prosecute creatures who can transform themselves.

Who can cause fire, flood and storm? How can you imprison someone who can vanish before your very eyes? Art thou done? Yes.

It is thy contention that a witch can vanish, yet thou dost not vanish.

No.

And why not? To make us believe thou art not a witch.

Yet that what thou hath proved instead is that thou art a witch.

For who but a witch would be cunning enough not to display her powers? Seize them and return them to the jail.

Now, uh, for my next trick.

And just in case that doesn't convince you watch this.

What a ham.

Now do you understand? The people that you persecuted were guiltless.

They were mortals, just like yourselves.

You are the guilty.

It is the recommendation of the court that we all repair to our homes and reflect carefully on the illusions that we have seen and heard this day.

And then have a pint of ale and forget that it ever happened.

Ready for takeoff? Let us attribute these hallucinations to our own witch hysteria.

And I hereby decree an end to these and future trials.

Sam? Good morning.

Mrs.

Stephens said to tell you that she had to go out, but she wouldn't be gone long.

What would you like for brunch? I don't know.

What can you make without causing a disaster? Fortunately, I know you like to joke, so I don't resent that.

How about an omelette? Okay.

Maybe a nice Spanish omelette? Fine, fine.

Uh, wait a minute.

W-we are talking about an omelette made with chicken eggs.

We are? All right.

If that's the way you want it.

Oh, boy.

I'm tired.

It's the time change from the 17th to the 20th century.

Where have you been? I had a little unfinished business with the Witches Council, remember? That's right.

What happened? Good news.

I don't have to go back to Salem.

That's terrific.

How come? I pointed out to them that in their own way they're just as bad as the people behind the original witch hunts.

And their attitude toward our marriage is just as prejudiced and bigoted.

You know something? You're a good little infighter.

You mean I'm effective in the clinches? Yeah.

Brunch is on! Mm.

Mm-hm.

She's making a Spanish omelette.

Oh.

That should be interesting.

How do you feel about a plain omelette with Spanish on the side? That's interesting.

TRANSCRIPT: adrianp55

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