Sam & The Beanstalk

James or Susan? James or Susan? Darrin! We have to settle on a name.

Sam, how many times have I told you, never talk in the middle of somebody's backswing? Sorry.

Okay, okay.

Now, what was it you asked me? - I said we have to settle on a name.

- We did last night.

James if it's a boy and Susan if it's a girl.

Yeah, I know, but I thought it over, and I've changed my mind.

I don't want to settle on just any old name.

It should be something romantic.

How about Romeo if it's a boy and Juliet if it's a girl? Darrin, either help me find a name or go play golf.

Okay, okay.

How about Scott or Timothy? You'll be disappointed if it isn't a boy, won't you? - Don't be silly.

- Yes, you will.

All men want a little boy so they can see themselves walking around.

Okay, let's concentrate on boys' names.

- Oh, hi, sweetheart.

- I decided I don't want a brother.

- Well, maybe it'll be a little sister.

- But you said it would be a baby brother.

No, I didn't, sweetheart, not really.

That's something we won't know till after it's born.

Don't you like little girls any more? Oh, sweetheart, of course we do.

We love little girls.

We were just trying to think up a boy's name in case it's a boy.

I understand.

Some people like boys better than girls.

- What do you think? - Dr Spock we're not.

Hey, what did you do that for? I'm Tabitha, and I want to talk to somebody.

Hey! You shouldn't have done that.

- What's your name? - Can't you even read? I'm Jack, and that's a beanstalk, and I gotta climb it.

- Why? - Because that's the story.

Girls sure are dumb.

I guess that's why my mommy and daddy want a boy, 'cause they're smarter.

We're not so smart.

You should've seen the dopey thing I did yesterday.

My mom gave me the old cow to sell 'cause we're poor.

I sold it to the butcher for a bag of magic beans.

Did I ever get it? Wow! - Do you have a daddy? - Nope, never had one.

Well, I better get back on that stupid beanstalk.

I got an awful long way to climb and I'm just pooped.

- Would you like a daddy? - Sure, what kid wouldn't? Then you can have mine.

You'd like my daddy.

He plays golf and everything.

- Golf? What's that? - I don't know, but my daddy will teach you.

- But suppose your folks don't like me.

- I told you.

They like boys better than girls.

And I never climbed a beanstalk before.

Bye.

Hey, where'd you go? Tabitha? Tabitha? - Here I am! - Come on off of there! - I want to see what's on the top.

- But there's a giant on the top.

Goody! Don't worry, sweetheart.

Tabitha's just like any other kid.

Almost.

I mean, well, she'll brood for a while and then accept it.

I hope.

That's what I like, a man of strong convictions.

- Oh, hi, Mother.

- Hello, darling.

Endora, have you ever thought of knocking? - Would that make you feel better? - Yes.

Very well.

That's disgusting.

Now, Durwood, why don't you take your ball and bat and go do whatever it is you do with them? It's not a bat.

It's a club.

And if I did with it what I wanted to do with it Darrin.

- Sounds like my mother.

- Sounds like a dreary Sunday.

I just remembered I have a pressing engagement that I have to iron out.

Oh, I'm such a wit! Well, at least we know now how to get rid of her.

Sweetheart, why don't you let your mother in? I want to check on Tabitha.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hello, Darrin.

Glad you dropped in.

What'd you drop in about? Does a mother need a reason to visit her son? Tabitha? Hi.

- Who are you? - Jack.

- Jack who? - Just Jack.

I don't think I have a last name.

- Where's Tabitha? - Climbing that dumb beanstalk.

Jack! Jack and the Beanstalk! Good grief, she zapped you out of a fairy tale! She did something.

Anyhow, here I am.

How do you like me? I beg your pardon? Tabitha said you like boys better than girls, and I'm a boy.

- That's not true.

- I am so a boy! No.

No, I mean, it's not true that we don't like her.

We love her.

- Does that mean you don't want me? - Yes.

I mean, no.

I mean Oh, my stars! Sam.

Sam, Mother would like to see Who is that? Jack.

I'm pleased to meet you, sir.

How do you do? Where's Tabitha? - Tabitha is - Out.

Sam, what's going on? Tabitha.

Tabitha, come give Grandma a great, big Where's Tabitha? - Tabitha is - Out.

Out where? - Climbing a - Fence at a neighbour's house.

- Who is this? - Jack.

- A friend.

- What odd clothes.

Yes.

Yes, they're junior mod.

It's all the rage.

What's golf? - Tabitha said you'd teach me.

- Teach you? Sure, sure.

Mother, why don't you go downstairs and make yourself a cup of tea? Oh, thank you.

Would you like some milk and cookies, young man? - He's not hungry.

- Yes, I would, ma'am.

Come along then.

Darrin, you get down there this minute and don't take your eyes off him.

No, wait a minute.

Better yet, why don't you go out and play golf? Mother and I'll handle this.

Sam, where is Tabitha, and who is that dopey-looking kid? - Tabitha's playing, and he's Jack.

- I know he's Jack.

Where is Tabitha? Well She ran away from home, sort of.

Now, how do you "sort of" run away from home? Instead of walking out a door, you just climb up a beanstalk.

A what? - A - No.

No.

Don't repeat it.

A beanstalk.

Jack and the Beanstalk.

Why? Because she thinks we like boys better than girls.

Because Well, I'm not sure why.

Sweetheart, you trust me.

I'll get her back.

Now, why don't you go downstairs and keep an eye on Jack? - Sam? - Yoo-hoo, sweetheart.

Here I am.

- Sam, come back.

- I'll be right back.

Tabitha? Tabitha? "Giant's Castle, trespassers welcome.

" They sure are, especially at lunchtime.

- You startled me.

- You put a fright in me, too.

You don't belong in this story.

Who are you? No, don't tell me.

You're one of them witches.

Something like that, but I'll only stay a minute.

Stay as long as you like.

It's a change to have someone new to talk to now and then.

Well, I haven't got much time for talk.

I'm looking for a little girl, blonde, about so high.

Never saw her.

The only kid I know is Jack.

- You must be the giant's wife.

- Of course I'm the giant's wife.

But don't envy me married to that big goof.

If he's not counting his treasure, he's eating himself into a stupor.

- Ma'am - And the things he puts into his stomach, - it's a wonder he don't have indigestion.

- Ma'am, I Do you know what my grocery bill was for this week alone? - Ma'am, if you'll just tell me - I am telling you, 1,000 gold crowns.

If a couple of trespassers didn't wander into the castle now and then, - it would be twice that much.

- Ma'am, I really have to find my daughter.

If I'm not shopping for food, I'm bent over a hot stove cooking food, while he's fee-fi-fo-fumming all over the place.

Excuse me.

Tabitha? Tabitha? Okay, okay.

If you want to be his midmorning snack, just keep heading for the castle.

Tabitha? Pardon me.

May I see the giant, please? No.

He don't see nobody unless his name is Jack.

Pardon me.

Are you a giant? I am not a giant.

I am the giant! And who in tarnation are you? My name is Tabitha.

There's no Tabitha in this story.

- There is now.

Do you know why? - Yes, because you're a witch.

No, 'cause I ran away from home on account of my mommy and daddy are having a baby brother.

- That's why.

- Oh, it's a very charming tale of woe.

There's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I don't adopt children, I only eat them! I know.

Are they delicious? They can be quite tasty at times.

What's that? My treasure over there is the magic harp and the hen who lays the golden eggs.

- Can I play with them? - No, you can't! I'm a very busy giant, little girl.

So vamoose! Fee, fi, fo, fum.

I smell the blood of an Englishman! I know a poem, too.

Now, listen, little girl, I am about to lose my appetite! If you lose your appetite, I'll make a no-no at you.

- Here we are.

- Thank you, ma'am.

Where's Samantha? She went out front for a while to pick some flowers, so to speak.

You poor, starved darling.

You look as though you hadn't eaten in a week.

I haven't, not since I sold the cow.

You had a cow in this neighbourhood? So you want to learn how to play golf, huh, Jack? She went dry on us.

And yes, I do, sir.

Swell, swell.

Here, put that right down there.

You see, the secret to the game is in the overlapping grip.

Please, Darrin, I'm trying to understand the child.

- So you sold a cow - To the butcher for a mess of magic beans.

- Magic beans? - Which grew into a tall beanstalk.

And the second secret is to keep your mouth shut when addressing the ball.

It seems to me I've heard that story before.

Speaking of heard, I think I heard Samantha upstairs.

So I climbed up the beanstalk - I'm getting a sick headache.

- I'll get you something.

And at the top of the beanstalk, there's a giant.

Make it the extra-strength tablets.

Sam? Sam, come home.

Come home! Relax, Darwin.

Relax.

What are you doing here? Waiting for your mother and that grubby little boy to leave.

Do you have any idea what's going on down there? Certainly, I peeked.

It's a rerun of Jack and the Beanstalk in living colour.

That kid is going to drive my mother crazy.

Yes? Endora, couldn't you just once do something constructive? - Like what? - Like finding Sam and Tabitha.

- Aren't you concerned about them? - Oh, certainly not.

As a child I used to zap myself into literature at the drop of a hat.

Of course, I was more precocious.

I know I had this mad thing for Hamlet.

And one day, I changed places with Ophelia.

I had a delightful time confusing my nurse.

Oh, no.

That was the time I played Juliet.

Oh, never mind.

I'll read about it in your memoirs.

Right now zap yourself onto that beanstalk and bring them back.

Climb a beanstalk in my Lili Arlege original? Are you mad? - Endora, their lives may be in danger.

- Oh, fiddle-de-dah.

Any child that can zap herself into a fairy tale can zap herself right out of it.

- Who be you? - I be I mean, I'm looking for a little girl about so high.

I'm her mother.

- Named Tabitha? - Yes, yes.

- You will pay for her no-nos.

- What did she do? You should be ashamed to raise such a wicked little girl.

Go! Tabitha? Tabitha? Tabitha? All right, Tabitha, playtime is over.

I do not intend to spend an entire Sunday in a dungeon.

Ma'am, I'm taking my life in my hands coming here, but I've seen enough trouble for one day.

Take my advice, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

I don't intend to leave without my daughter.

If I find her, I'll put her on the beanstalk personally and send her home, the rotten kid.

- What has she done? - What has she done? Lay.

The hen that laid the golden egg, right? She wanted an omelette for breakfast.

Wait.

My husband, the giant's magic harp.

Play.

Stop! The only thing that will soothe his savage breast is Chopin, and she gives him the Rolling Stones.

Fee, fi, fo, fum.

And if you think that's bad, wait'll you see what she did to him.

I smell the blood of an Englishman! That's a giant? Go ahead, laugh.

Laugh.

They're all laughing at me, the townsfolk, my manservants, my guards, even my wife.

- I only snickered once.

- I'm sure she didn't mean to do it.

Nice children have respect for their elders.

Nice elders don't threaten to eat little children.

I've been frightening kids for 100 years.

And look at me now, cut down in me prime.

In my eyes, you'll always be a giant.

Oh, shut up! Shut up? Shut up? Listen, small fry, say "shut up" to me again, and I'll squash you under my heel like an ant! Even she doesn't respect me any more! - Mommy, Mommy.

- Tabitha.

- You put her in chains? - She insisted.

They're fun, Mommy.

There is nothing fun or funny about running away, young lady.

- I'm sorry, Mommy.

- "Sorry," she said, after what she did to an innocent giant.

Please, sir, we'll stretch you back to size.

Go on, Tabitha.

But, Mommy, he's easier to play with this way.

- I don't want to play with you.

- You do as I say, young lady.

No! Spunky little kid, ain't she? Tabitha, you're a little witch, but I'm a bigger witch, so if you don't I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

I'm a giant again! A giant! Fee, fi, fo, fum! Now the hen and the harp.

Now, if you'll excuse us You'll squash who under whose heel? So I hid in the castle until the giant fell fast asleep.

And I snuck up behind him, and I grabbed the hen and ran as fast as my little feet could carry me.

This poor child is having a nervous breakdown.

He is? He is, he is.

That's it.

It's from malnutrition.

He needs help.

- Where'd he go? - Maybe he went to get some help.

And I think I heard Samantha upstairs.

And I think I'm getting another sick headache.

- I'll get you another pill.

- And the address of a qualified psychiatrist.

Now, sweetheart, I know it's hard for you to understand, but Daddy and I have enough love in us for both you and the new baby.

But you haven't seen the baby yet.

Maybe it will look funny and you won't like it.

If it looks funny, we'll love it all the more.

Then I hope it looks pretty, because I want you to love me all the more.

Okay.

It's a deal.

Now go to sleep.

How'd your woman-to-woman talk go? - Just fine.

She's okay now.

- Good.

How's your mother? Well, she's a little shook-up, but she'll be all right.

Darrin? - There's one thing that really puzzles me.

- What's that? That you're not sorry you married me.

Between this big witch and the little witch upstairs and that witch of a mother of mine, you're really up to your neck in witches.

That's a fair statement, and I'd be lying if I didn't say there are times when I wonder if it's all worth it.

Of course, there are other times when I realise I couldn't live without you.

I'll admit that's almost all the time.

I love you and that little witch upstairs.

And Mother? Well, two out of three.

That's not bad.

Darrin.

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