How Not To Lose Your Head to Henry VIII (Part 2)

Hi.

This is Elizabeth Montgomery, inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.

[.]

NARRATOR: How did a nice little witch like Samantha get mixed up with a big bad wolf like Henry VIII? It all started in the Tower of London when Samantha got carried away by the plight of a warlock named Herbie.

I don't know if your powers are strong enough to To release me but I beg of you, please try.

Well, it seems to me you've served your sentence.

And that is where Samantha made her big mistake.

Sam, what? Where did he come from? Darrin blew his top.

But that wasn't the topper.

This was the topper.

Who gave you the right to reverse my curse? Nobody.

And I apologize.

Apology not accepted.

Now put him back where he belongs.

Okay, okay.

Now, I'll show you what we do with meddlers.

Oh, Malvina This trip through time Will teach you a lesson.

In others' affairs Not to mess in.

Back to Henry VIII go you.

The moment you meet him Is the moment you'll rue [THUNDER CRASHING.]

NARRATOR: And that's how Samantha got carried away to the court of Henry VIII.

Early one morning Just as the sun was rising I heard a maiden Singing in the field below Oh, don't deceive me Oh, never leave me How could you use A poor maiden so? [APPLAUSE.]

Ahhh.

Endora explained that in order to get Samantha back from the 16th century, Darrin would have to go back to that time, find Samantha and win her with a kiss.

Place this talisman around your neck.

When you need me, put it between your teeth and flap your arms like this: And do this: [QUACKING.]

You're kidding.

No! As Darrin started in pursuit of Samantha, His Majesty, Henry VIII was engaged in exactly the same activity.

We are the champion wrestler of the British Isles.

Well, this-then shouldn't we pick on someone our own size? We shall make you a lady-in-waiting.

And just between you and me, you won't have to do much waiting.

[GROANING.]

[.]

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT.]

[.]

[.]

[.]

Of all the birds That ever I see The owl is the fairest In her degree For all the day long She sits in a tree And when the night comes Away flies she Te-whit, te-whoo To whom drinks thou Sir, knave, to you? This song is well-sung I make you a vow And he's a knave That drinketh now Nose, nose Jolly red nose And who gave thee That jolly red nose? Cinnamon, ginger Nutmeg and cloves And that gave me My jolly red nose That was lovely.

Thank you, sire.

Come and sit here beside us, my sweet.

[.]

[.]

Do you like us? Yes, Your Majesty.

Well, then why don't you show us some affection? Well, uh, how can I? Neither of you ever stops eating.

[BOTH LAUGH.]

[.]

You there! Take these mounts.

[SAMANTHA SINGING INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE.]

You give them a good cooling.

We've ridden posthaste from the Tower.

Excuse me.

Uh, who is that singing? SAMANTHA: She sits in a tree That is the king's new favorite.

Already? You may well say that.

If I do not mistake the signs, she is fated to take the place of poor Catherine.

Eh, Catherine? What happened to her? Are you deaf, man? Did you not hear the cannons proclaim the sad news early this morning? Sad news? When the queen lost her head.

SAMANTHA: Cinnamon, ginger Y-you mean: Precisely.

H-how can you be so sure that the king is serious about this lady? These are the late queen's jewels.

We were sent to the Tower to fetch them so His Majesty could present them to his lady love.

What do you think, boy? Is that serious? Oh, boy, is that serious.

SAMANTHA: Nose, nose Jolly red nose And who gave thee That jolly red nose? Cinnamon, ginger Nutmeg and cloves That gave me My jolly red nose [.]

Yes? CHAMBERLAIN: We've come with the jewels, sire.

Enter, enter! [.]

[DOOR CLOSES.]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]

Stop.

What do you want? You're needed right away downstairs.

The jewels are all here and accounted for? With the exception of a pearl necklace that That needs restringing.

Uh, open this, my sweet.

[KNOCK ON DOOR.]

Yes? [BRITISH ACCENT.]

The pastry tray, Your Majesty.

HENRY: Enter, enter! [.]

[GASPS.]

Your Majesty.

That will be yours, my lovely.

Oh.

But I've done nothing to deserve this.

You will. What is it, your excellency?!

May we speak with Your Majesty privately a moment? It concerns the reaction of the crowd at this morning's event.

[GRUNTING.]

Pastry, eh, milady? No, thank you.

[NORMAL VOICE.]

You really don't recognize me, do you? Should I? I-I know you don't remember anything, but W-well, look into my eyes.

Look deep.

Don't you see anything? Yes.

Why are your eyes so bloodshot? Probably because I'm having a nervous breakdown.

Just give me a little kiss, and it'll all come back to you.

What? Shh.

Think, think.

I'm Darrin, your husband.

You're Samantha.

I'm a mortal.

You're a witch.

Now, please, try to remember.

Why? Sounds like a good thing to forget.

You've gotta get out of here while they're talking.

Unhand me, you peasant.

Unhand me.

Zounds! What knavery is this? [BRITISH ACCENT.]

Eh, pastry, me Majesty? For this you shall die! Your Majesty, I beg of you, restrain yourself.

Another killing now will only inflame the people further.

Yes, let's not inflame the people.

Sam, please, one little kiss a-and all this will make sense to you.

Take him away.

Your Majesty, spare him.

Why? Well, it's obvious the poor man has lost his senses.

Oh, well.

Summon the guards and have him thrown into the dungeon.

Take him from my sight.

Wait a minute.

You can't do this to me.

I'm not even a British citizen.

Hey, what are you doing there? [METAL GRATING.]

Hey, there.

You, there.

Hey, what are you doing? Hey, there, what are you doing? [.]

What is it? I-I was just wondering, uh, what you were doing.

It don't take much brains to figure out this ain't for butchering chickens, do it? No, it don't.

Don't.

Lucky for you, His Majesty is busy having a masked ball.

Because I haven't got the orders yet.

[LAUGHS.]

Endora, I never dreamed I'd welcome your interference, but here goes.

[QUACKING.]

In trouble again? Again? I've never been out of it.

We've got to get to Samantha right away.

The King executed his fifth wife this morning, and he's planning to make Sam number six in the big parade.

That is grim.

Well, what are you waiting for? Open the door.

And how would you suggest I do that? Give it a zap.

For your information, Darwin, since this is the 16th century, I do not have my powers.

W-why not? Because it's the 16th century, and I wasn't even born yet.

Could have fooled me.

Look here, Durweed, I only have the power to get here and to leave here.

Okay, okay.

I'm only staying because Samantha needs her mama.

But if you don't have your powers, how are you gonna get me out of here? Well, I'll just have to use my native ingenuity.

I'm dead.

[BRITISH ACCENT.]

You, there! Come here at once.

What are you doing here? There are no visitors allowed.

For your information, my good man, I am not a visitor.

I am here by the order of His Majesty Henry VIII, King of England, France and King of Ireland.

You are? He has asked me to check on the conditions of the prisoners.

I am appalled.

You are? This prisoner has a gold coin in his possession.

Give me the coin.

There.

You see? [.]

You know that prisoners are not to have gold.

Your eyes are getting very heavy.

Gold is the root of all evil.

You are getting so tired.

And this chain is definitely a dangerous weapon.

You want to sleep.

Sleep.

Sleep.

He's out.

[SNORING.]

Oh, wouldn't you know it? Oh, Durwood.

Durwood, wake up! Wake up! Oh, Endora, am I glad to see you.

I was having this ridiculous nightmare that I was back in the 16th It's a real nightmare.

Here, take the coins.

[.]

Now, tell me this, did you try? Did you try to approach Samantha? Oh, yes.

And she wouldn't have a thing to do with me.

Oh, if that had only happened when you first met.

Now, come on.

Let's find Samantha.

No, wait.

What? What about him? Oh, yes.

Oh, yes.

I'll give him a post-hypnotic suggestion.

When you wake, you'll feel rotten.

Come on.

[.]

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING.]

Where is she? There.

Do I look okay? Splendid.

The court tailor was a very easy subject, wasn't he? That was lovely, my dear.

We are very pleased.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

Endora, quick.

And before the music starts again, you've got to get to Samantha.

Getting to Samantha is no problem.

But trying to convince her that you'd make a better husband than Henry VIII doesn't make too much sense.

Hope I can do it without choking on the words.

Just convince her, and you can choke afterwards.

Your Majesty.

Milady, I'm very happy for you.

I know you don't remember me, but your mother and I were very close.

You knew my mother? Oh, yes.

Then you know who I am? Definitely.

Who am I? You really want to know? Oh, yes, yes, desperately.

You see that young man over there? Give him a kiss, just one little kiss, and it will all come back to you.

Who are you? A very close friend of your mother's, who, incidentally, was a very lovely woman.

I don't think she would approve of your involvement with the king.

No? Why not? Well, for one thing, he's too fat.

He's not fat.

He's just a little short for his weight.

You mean he'd be thin if he were 10 or 11 feet tall? Shh.

Do you want to be accused of treason? Be smart.

Give him a little kiss, just one little kiss.

[GROANS.]

You! Please don't yell.

I told you not to show your face.

Now, look, my dear.

Is he not more of a match for you? He's young [COUGHS.]

And handsome [COUGHS.]

And charming.

[COUGHS.]

What's the matter? It's difficult to talk when one is choking.

Endora, will you knock it off? Sam, please, for the sake of the children.

Children? Well, they're not born yet.

But they will be if you'll just cooperate a little.

Oh! I beg your pardon.

Oh, Sam [GRUNTING.]

Your Majesty.

DARRIN: One little kiss.

[GASPS.]

Sam, just one little kiss.

Guards! Seize this wretch! How did he escape from the dungeon? I know not, sire, unless it be by the use of magic.

You must be out of your senses to show your face here.

I didn't mean to show my face.

My mask slipped.

We were undecided about your fate, but now, by heaven, you shall be beheaded.

Away! Wait! I-if it please Your Majesty, this lady was very close to my mother.

I would've been in this mess if if wasn't for you. Thanks to you, I've got a crazy animal act up my sleeve!

Which crazy animal act you have up your sleeve?

Why not have some fun with him first? Hm.

What did you have in mind? Well, your prowess in wrestling is known throughout the kingdom, Your Majesty.

How about a match with this, eh, poltroon? I declare a thumb war. Oh-ho-ho, madam.

Between this spindly figure of a man and ourselves there can be no match.

We would crush him like a dried leaf.

Well, so what? He's going to be executed, anyway.

Thanks, Endora.

I hope your broom goes bald.

I just think he wants to be coaxed.

[LAUGHS.]

Oh, please.

Please, Your Majesty.

You're right. A Thumb war would be so much fun.

Well, if the sight of blood and the sound of bones snapping will not offend the ladies, very well.

Release him! [APPLAUSE.]

Endora, are you crazy? It's the only way to reach Samantha, to strike a responsive chord in her.

What's going to be struck is my head against this marble floor.

Would you rather have it fall into a basket? You have to trust me.

Trust you? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

At least I'll die laughing.

[SIGHS.]

Stand back, stand back.

Not you.

Ready? [WHIMPERING.]

Why, he's nothing but a coward.

Zounds, man! This is a wrestling match, not a footrace.

You pick your sport, I'll pick mine.

[DARRIN & KING GRUNTING.]

The king is cracking him like a walnut.

What fun.

Fun? I think it's cruel.

[BOTH GRUNTING.]

What did you say? Uncle.

[KING GRUNTING.]

[BOTH GRUNTING.]

I wouldn't want his death on my conscience.

[GASPING.]

You've killed him.

Well, wasn't that the idea? You simply have no feelings, you big klutz.

Klutz? What is "klutz"? Ungh! Thank heaven he's alive.

But he may not be for long.

Just one kiss before I go.

Darrin.

Sam.

Zounds! Come on.

Come on.

Get up, get up.

Hang on, kids.

Here we go.

[THUNDER CRASHES.]

[.]

Where? Where did they go? Where did who go, sire? Oh, my lady and that poor foolish knave and And that woman.

I think, Your Majesty, I'm not sure, but I think we are having a royal dream.

Oh.

Well, in that case, shouldn't we be asleep? Sire, your wisdom knows no bounds.

Sleep.

[.]

[.]

[.]

Ah! There.

The way they have distorted a famous portrait, it's downright desecration, is what it is.

And as you well know, when Scotland Yard takes up a case, they always gets their man.

You'll have to excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

This has been a most unusual day for me.

Most unusual day.

[.]

Sweetheart, are you all right? Well, considering I just lost a wrestling match to Henry VIII, no.

Psst.

Psst.

Ahem.

My dear lady, I would like a word with you.

Oh.

Now, look, I've gotten into enough trouble because of you.

I was not addressing you.

I was addressing that lovely and gracious lady at your side.

Who? Me.

You know, I think he's kind of cute.

My gracious lady.

Mother, why did you do that? I'm taking him with me.

What? Babysitters are allowed to have friends in, aren't they? Pay no attention to them, Herbie.

Sam, you shouldn't have let her do that.

Now, look at it this way.

Maybe she was tired of just watching television in the evening.

I was talking about the painting.

It's supposed to be a portrait of Sir Herbert Wellingford.

Oh.

Well, I can fix that.

"The Missing Horseman"? Sam, that's ridiculous.

Well? [.]

[.]

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