How Not To Lose Your Head to Henry VIII (Part 1)

Hi.

This is Elizabeth Montgomery, inviting you to stay tuned for Bewitched.

[DING.]

[.]

Come on, Sam, we'll be late.

Sweetheart, the Tower of London has been standing there since the year 1000.

I promise you it won't go away.

[PHONE RINGING.]

If that's Larry, tell him I was lost at sea.

You think it could be him? He knows we're on vacation.

He knows, but he doesn't care.

Hello? Oh, hi, Mother.

I'll get on the extension.

Are the children behaving themselves? Oh, they're perfect little darlings.

As a matter of fact, they're right here, and they want to say hello.

Say, "Hello, Mommy.

" Come on.

Hello, Mommy.

Yes.

Say, "Hello, Daddy.

" Hello, Dad.

Hello, Adam.

Hi, sweetheart, how are you? Are you having a good time with Grandmama? Oh, yeah.

This morning we all went swimming in the pool.

Pool? What pool? We don't have a pool.

Grandmama zapped it up.

What? Put Grandmama back on the phone.

What is it, Durwood? Endora, didn't you promise, on what you laughingly call your honor, not to pull any of that hocus-pocus in front of the kids? Oh, don't get your giblets in an uproar.

I removed the pool when the children were through swimming.

Darrin, it is not necessary to thrash this out on a long-distance phone call.

Oh, don't worry, this call isn't costing you anything.

Why not? Because I'm using Tabitha's phone.

Now, don't you realize what a poor example you're setting for the children? Now, why couldn't you use the regular phone? Because there's one thing it can't do.

DARRIN: What is that? This.

Endora! Did he get the idea, Samantha? Yes, Mother.

He got it.

And now I think I'm gonna get it.

Bye.

ANNOUNCER: [.]

[TINKLING.]

[.]

[.]

Don't they look great in their uniforms? SAMANTHA: Uh-huh.

And they make a marvelous gin too.

Now, centuries ago, people had the misleading impression that the Tower was erected by Julius Caesar, right after he conquered Gaul.

Now, this happened not to be the truth.

Caesar did not build the Tower of London, although he certainly had the gall to do it.

[LAUGHS.]

A bit of humor never hurts, I always say.

But now onto more serious matters.

Now, this here room is hung with portraits of previous royal subjects.

The true facts are, the Tower was begun by William the Conqueror in the year 1066, and has been added to by succeeding occupants of the British throne.

Pst, pst.

Pst.

Shh.

TOUR GUIDE: so, in case of an attack, only the defenders could use their right hand.

If you follow me, we'll visit the crypt of St.

John's Chapel, which was also used as a prison when the dungeons down below had standing room only.

Pst, pst.

Pst, pst.

You hissed? You could have gotten me into a lot of trouble.

Oh, forgive me, madam, but I'd almost given up hope.

Would you believe you're the first witch in over 400 years to take this tour? Well, if you're my prize, I'm not interested.

Let me explain.

A hateful witch placed me under a curse and doomed me to remain here for 1000 years.

A thou A thousand years? That's a long time, even in the life of a warlock.

Now, come on, everybody, stick together and follow me right through here.

I don't want none of you getting lost as we go through these halls here.

Right behind me, that's the way.

Move along.

[.]

You must have committed a terrible crime to earn this kind of punishment.

On the contrary.

All I did was fall in love with a witch in the court of King Henry VIII and ask her to marry me.

Well, why would the hateful witch object to that? Because I was already married to the hateful witch.

Oh.

No wonder she was so hateful.

I don't know if your powers are strong enough to release me, but I beg of you, please try.

Well, I don't believe in philandering, but it seems to me you've served your sentence.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! Now, what could I do to repay you? Well, you can start by letting go of my hand, or I'll miss the rest of the tour.

[.]

Sam, what And where did he come from? Out Out of that painting.

I'll explain later.

Sam, you've just defaced a national treasure.

Don't worry, I'll un-deface it in a minute.

Who is this varlet? He's no varlet, he's my husband.

TOUR GUIDE: We will ascend to the second floor to visit the royal apartments.

Uh-oh.

I'll try and head them off.

Do something with him.

My dear lady, I am forever in your gratitude.

I'm your slave.

Well, sorry, but we're fully staffed.

I see you're still at it, you wretched rogue! You knave! Malvina, oh, please.

I've suffered long enough.

I'll be the judge of that.

And as for you, you miserable little witch, who gave you the right to reverse my curse? Nobody.

And I apologize.

Apology not accepted.

Now put him back where he belongs.

Okay, okay.

I don't know how this pebble got in my shoe.

I'll just be a second.

Very well, sir.

But it'd help a lot all around if you wouldn't go traipsing off by yourself.

Just be a banana and stick with the bunch.

[LAUGHS.]

I'll show you what we do with meddlers.

Oh, Malvina This trip through time will teach you a lesson in others' affairs, not to mess in.

Back to Henry VIII go you.

The moment you meet him is the moment you'll rue.

[.]

Could you tell me what place this is? What place? Marry, 'tis a place where the King changes wives as often as a woman changes her mind.

[DISTANT EXPLOSION.]

What's that? The King's fifth wife just lost her head.

You mean they shoot off the cannon every time she gets angry? Uh.

.

No, child, it's You mean: It seems to be less troublesome than divorce.

Bless you, my child.

[.]

[PHONE RINGS.]

Yes, I'll accept the call.

Hello, Durwood.

What do you mean Samantha's gone? How can you lose a grown woman? I didn't lose her.

She ran off with a nobleman? Oh, how wonderful.

Didn't run off with a nobleman.

Oh, what a shame.

Oh, in a painting? A curse? I see! This could be serious, Durwood.

If it wasn't, would I be calling you? I think I better get Esmeralda to mind the children.

I'll meet you in front of the painting right away.

Right away? Yes.

If I get there first, I'll start without you.

[.]

[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND SINGING.]

The hunt is on The hunt is on And it is Well nigh day And Harry our King Is hunting To bring his gear to make The hunt is on The hunt is on And it is Well nigh day And Harry our King Greetings to you all.

My lord.

My lord.

Good morrow, my Lord Chamberlain.

You've come in good time.

The King sorely needs your cheer.

Aye, we heard the cannon proclaim the sad news.

Chop and change, chop and change.

Now we'll have none of that, if you please.

Come, masters, I'll show you to your quarters.

CHAMBERLAIN: Come along.

Excuse me.

What manner of costume is that? Is there anything wrong with it? It is, to say the least, minimal covering.

When you appear before His Majesty, you'd better maxify it.

But Go along now.

[.]

This way.

This way.

Make yourselves ready, masters.

The King is even now in the dining hall.

Burying his sorrow in the roast beef? Enough, or you will be made to leave.

As long as I do not leave here headfirst like the Queen.

CHAMBERLAIN: Cease these jackanapes.

I will send word when you must appear.

And find this one some clothing more suitable to the occasion.

[CHUCKLES.]

PLAYER: Well, now, mistress, can you do something to entertain? I I don't know.

Then, why are you here? Isn't it obvious? She is a very special friend of the Chamberlain's.

[ALL LAUGH.]

Apparently I seem to have no trouble entertaining all of you.

TouchÃ©.

Just a little jest.

No offense.

A foolish jest at my expense! A rhyme! Art thou then a poet? Be still.

Can you sing or dance a jig or play an instrument? I seem to remember playing something like this when I was a child.

I-I-It's called a lute.

Then you shall sing and play for His Majesty, and I will teach you some of his favorites.

[.]

[.]

Right this way, ladies and gentlemen.

Just follow me.

Up here, Durwood.

What are you doing there? Horsing around.

Will you cut that out? I'm just getting some information.

I don't know if they still imprison people here, and I'd rather not find out.

Now, will you get out of there? I was getting the necessary information from Herbie.

Samantha has been zapped back to the court of Henry VIII in the year 1542.

Henry VIII, the eighth? How terribly clever of you to figure that out.

[.]

Ahh.

[BURPS.]

Poor Catherine.

She had a lovely neck.

What a pity, huh? A pity indeed, sire.

At least she got rid of those chronic headaches of hers.

[LAUGHS.]

[ALL LAUGH.]

They say that a man cannot live with a wife nor without one.

But after five failures, I'm determined never again to so much as look at another.

Early one morning Just as the sun was rising I heard a maiden singing In the vale below Look at another what, sire? Sh, sh.

Oh, never leave me How could you use A poor maiden so? Remember the vows That you made to your Mary Remember the bower Where you vowed to be true Oh, don't deceive me Oh, never leave me How could you use A poor maiden so? Oh, gay is the garland And fresh are the roses I've culled a garden To bind on my brow Oh, don't deceive me Oh, never leave me How could you use A poor maiden so? [APPLAUSE.]

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]

[.]

Rise and be seated.

What is your name, dear child? I know not.

I know not? What a strange name.

You must be Irish.

But, uh, you have a lovely voice.

Oh, thank you, Your Majesty.

My late wife, Catherine, used to sing to me.

But now [SIGHS.]

Would you like to stay in the palace and take Catherine's place? As a singer, I mean.

Well, if it please, Your Majesty.

I can only hope, that like your late wife, I do not lose my voice.

[MUMBLES.]

[.]

Because of Malvina's curse, Samantha has no powers and can't return to the present unless someone in this century woos and wins her with a kiss.

Guess who's elected? You You're joking.

There's more.

Not only does Samantha not have her witchcraft, but she doesn't even know who she is, nor who you are.

Beautiful.

Now I'm supposed to kiss a perfect stranger.

What's to stop her from slapping me in the face? Fortunately, nothing.

One thing about your mean streak, Endora, it's consistent.

Now, let's get going.

But first First you need an appropriate costume.

[.]

Yes.

Yes, of course.

Thanks a lot! Why couldn't I have the nobleman's clothes? Because you'll be a lot more believable as a peasant.

But I Quiet! But what about the painting Quiet! Backward, turn backward.

Oh, time, in thy flight, take this peasant away from my sight, back to the time of Henry VIII, who was long on wives but short on faith.

No! [LAUGHS.]

[.]

Excuse me, could you tell me how far it is to the court of King Henry VIII? Oh, you have a long, long way to go.

Are you sure? Oh, positive.

You see, this is the court of Henry I.

Terrific.

That was beautiful, Endora.

You only missed the target by 500 years.

But I guess at your age, your powers are bound to slip a little.

Would you care to repeat that? No.

But I knew it would get to you.

You sent me back to the time of Henry I.

Well, so what? I was only seven Henrys off.

Seven Henrys and 500 years.

A mere tick of the universal tock.

Okay, let's try again.

First, I think we'd better take a little precaution.

In case you get into trouble again, which you undoubtedly will.

Place this talisman around your neck.

When you need me, put it between your teeth, and flap your arms like this.

And do this.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack.

You're kidding.

Well, if you'd rather go it alone No, no, I'll keep it.

Are you ready? Just watch your aim.

Silence! Backward, turn backward.

Oh, time, in thy flight, back to the past with the speed of light.

To Henry's time, let's check the date, and do not pass Henry number eight.

[.]

What did the King say? Did our poor efforts please him? He was very complimentary.

You were a smash.

What does that mean? I, uh I-I think it means you were superb.

PLAYER: As were you.

We would be most honored if you would wish to join our company.

Are you mad? Do you imagine for a moment that the Lion of England would let this cub go? Nay, she is for his den.

Mind him not.

He has a bell clapper for a tongue.

His Majesty, the King.

Arise, rise, rise.

We could not let you depart without paying our respects to each of you.

Nor without never even receiving a word of thanks, an ounce of help or a tiny little smidgen of respect.

You are truly masters of your profession.

Thank you, my gracious liege.

You are very much to be congratulated.

You, sir, you, sir, you, sir you, sir, and you, sir.

Out! Come, come.

I'm sure you must all be anxious to be on your way.

No, no, no, wait! I'm going with you.

But we desire you to stay.

Is that a command? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We would not dream of forcing you to stay against your will.

You may do as you wish.

We only suggest that you will find the palace more comfortable than the dungeon.

Good luck and goodbye.

[.]

[.]

[.]

Are you afraid of us? No, Your Majesty.

Good.

Will you stop retreating? I will, if you stop advancing.

Very well.

[YELLS.]

No use to struggle, my dear.

We are the champion wrestler of the British Isles.

Then shouldn't we pick on someone our own size? Do you realize how many women would be delighted to change places with you? Good.

Why don't we call one of them? [LAUGHS.]

Delightful sense of humor! Perhaps Perhaps we should make you our wife.

What do you say to that? Well, Your Majesty, I may not know much, but I do know that you are a no-no.

Are you saying that you would not care to be the wife of Henry VIII? With all due respect, Your Majesty, no.

Why not? Well, frankly, your wife expectancy isn't too great.

[LAUGHS.]

[LAUGHS.]

I know.

We'll make you a lady-in-waiting.

And just between you and me you won't have to do much waiting.

Ugh! [.]

ANNOUNCER: How does a nice little witch like Samantha get out of the clutches of a big, bad wolf like Henry VIII? Next week on Bewitched.

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